waw after 13 years

[sandi2]

I noticed a typo that I made and hope you all knew what I meant instead of what I typed.

“It was the OM that I really wanted to understand me......it was my H that I wanted all along. But when he told me that he had done nothing wrong.....you cannot believe how badly that hurt.”

I meant to say that it was NOT the OM that I really wanted to understand me……it was my H that I wanted all along. And I might add that it was my H that I really wanted to understand me, too.

Dear Beno, I join the others in saying that I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain and when losing relatives on top of this stitch, it makes it even worse. Beno, I know you don’t want to hear some of the things that are being said b/c it hurts and b/c you don’t want to believe it. And, it is like I was trying to tell another person today, in spite of what people on the board say and what the books say, the LBS feels in his heart that since he know his wife best then he should know what would work the best. However, she is not the girl you M, Beno. She is going through a crises that you do not understand and neither does she. And unfortunately, you can’t do much about it. The best thing you can do is totally opposite from what your heart “wants” to do and it won’t feel natural to you at all. A few people went down the “friend’s path” and found their spouse again, but the majority tried it and lost. It is your decision to make but let me remind you of a few things that has been said, okay?

Your wife said,

“but she has said she is enjoying being on her own at the moment and does not want a relationship with anyone, she said she doesn’t have to make decisions for other peoples sake and that feels, good because she can do things she wants to do,”

That sounds to me that statement included you. Now, you can enable her to continue to live in another place without you and help her get furniture and pay her bills and be her handyman and even mow her grass--if that is what you want to do……..but it sounds to me that if the lady really wants to be alone and make no decisions for other people’s sake and just do the things she wants to do, then by doggies, I think that is what you ought to allow her to do. Allow her that great opportunity to experience truly being on her own. But, as long as you are paying her way and helping the poor little thing out with whatever she needs……she won’t get to “enjoy” being on her own b/c she really won’t be on her own…….will she Beno? How can she be on her own if somebody else is picking up the tab or helping her out every time she need a hand? I know, I know……you are just being a “friend”. No, you are being a doormat. She will use you and despise you. But like I said…..it is your decision .


In response to another post, you said,

“a script? i know my wife and i could see it in her eyes, she meant every word of it, she wants to be in my life she said, she also said she loves the person i am and my personality, i make her laugh and understand her, and she wishes she could tell me that she loves me and wants me but she cant because she doesn’t know what she wants, only thing she is certain of is that she wants to be on her own to enjoy life without asking or telling people what she can and cant do,”

My H thought he knew me also, but guess what……..I said the same stuff. It is script!

And in your very next post you said,

“I also want to ask your opinion on how i go about things now, do i still have limited contact? i think this will harm the situation.”

Why do you think it will harm the situation, Beno? Didn’t she say that she wanted to be left alone? But you think that pursuing her will help? Remember, I have been there and trust me, she wants you to leave her alone.

“do i support her if she calls and needs someone to talk to? again i think i would be better if i did support her.”
No, this is what Beno “wants”. It will not be better to enable her to do something you don’t want her to do.

“she will desperate for some new furniture for her new place, again i think this will help my cause,
i do understand no personal gifts should be bought, but i think by helping her a little for the house, that it will give me brownie points, because she wont see it as a gift, she will see it has me helping her and the kids to build a home up, she does text me and puts a kiss on the end so i feel i should respond back with a kiss at the end of my reply, “

Brownie points, huh? Let me tell you what she will do. She will take new furniture and curtains and dishes and anything else to build a home for her and your kids and then she will tell you to get the heck out of her place. No, sweetie, you won’t be winning any brownie points.

“because if start to be a little mean or cold she will think i dont give a sh*t, because of my ignorance in this i feel by being ignorant now it will only bolster her thoughts and reasons for leaving me,”

Who told you to be mean and cold and act like you don’t give a sh*t? Nobody! You are scared to death that she will push you away if you don’t kiss her a$$ every chance you have.......that is the real truth of the matter right there!! And what is this

“it will only bolster her thoughts and reasons for leaving me”?

She’s already left!! Give her what she wants. To be away from you! You are the one that is afraid, Beno. You are scared stiff and would do anything to hold on to that rope she is pulling against trying to get away from you. Drop the rope. Oh, and don’t use the kids as your excuse to help build a home for her. That one has been used by scared H’s enough. I’m not implying you don’t want the best for your children, but it is only an excuse to try to be close by her. Sure she is sending you cute little email and TM’s with kisses………until she gets what she wants.

I believe you have not accepted the fact that she is in MLC . You still melt in the knees whenever she touches you and you try to read too much into her moves and words. You need to take the advice from the guys that have tried to tell you what to do. Sure it’s hard and sure it hurts and it’s not over by a long shot. It takes years, sometimes, to come through a MLC. But there are other ways to handle this and that is the advice you have been receiving.

As I said, I am sorry for the death in the family, but if you start trying to make her display of warmth toward you more than anything but a show for everyone else’s sake……then you are in for a bad time of it. And be honest.......it did get your hopes up, didn't it? Just b/c of the way she was acting. It was only a temporary thing for her, Beno. I’m not trying to tear you down to rock bottom, in spite of how I may sound right now. I am trying to help you see through blinded eyes. You love her and you are hurting so much that you want to believe that somehow all this is going to cause her to come running back to you and it won’t. She was emotional at the funeral. But when it is all over, she will be right back like she was. When one is in MLC, it just does not happen that easily. I wished for your sake it did. You need to read all the material you can on MLC.

As far as you taking a break, yes it is selfish as far as the children are concerned b/c they need you. But if that is what it takes to help you get your head on straight, then maybe you should consider it. However, I would not take your regular cell phone and I would not discuss much details about it with the wife only to say you are going away for a while and if there is an emergency the so & so (whoever you leave a number with) knows how to reach you. Leave an ER number of how you can be contacted in case of an emergency with a trusted family member or friend. Or buy a cheap "pay as you go cell phone" and leave the number with somebody other than her. Of course, you can call the children as much as you want, but don’t talk to her. By that I mean “discussions”. If she answers, say hi and immediately ask to talk to the kids. You are not trying to be rude or mean…..but you are “detaching” (a word I think you’ve heard a time or two.) You are supposed to be taking a break from her and the stitch, remember? If you talk to her, I can guarantee you that she will cause you to be absolutely miserable the entire time you are away. Of course, if she gets any hint of what you are “thinking” about doing, she’ll do something to pull the plug on that plan. And of course, she will raise all kind of hell if you don't leave your number with her.....your precious, devoted wife that has left you. But, remind her that she chose to go separate ways and you are tying to give her that wish and that includes not knowing all your business. Of course, she will immediately use the kids as her excuse also. That is why you need to have somebody's name (maybe more than one person) as to how to reach you in case of an emergency. I can almost see her figuring someing out now, like calling you to tell you one of the kids is bad sick just to get you off your trip. Then when you get back, they are better. It happens.
This may have made you pretty mad at me for talking like this, but it is a verbal hit up beside the head to try to get you to see how a loving person such as your wife once was, can change into somebody you don't know anymore when MLC hits. I did things that shocked my family and even myself! I did things that I would have called anybody a liar if they had told me three years ago what I would have done. It happens to the best of people.

I hate to see you guys suffer so and continue to do what doesn’t work. So take a break and think about moving forward with your life and making a better life for yourself. No, I'm not talking about divorce, but I am talking about dropping the rope......but not as a gimmick to get her back.....even if that is the only thing that usually works. It isn't a guarantee, so it must be with the resolve of making a life for yourself with or without her in it. Otherwise, you are going to be one miserable man.

Whatever you do, please keep coming back here b/c you will need us even if you don't want us at times.....

Take care,
Sandi