Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Well my fellow DBers,

I've finally reached the point where I need to do what Phoenixdeux advised me to do months ago:

Letting go doesn't mean it's over...it just means you quit pining away and start to look at her as your EX wife. I've been where you are. I'm remarried to her, so I know there is hope...but it was just being open to possibility of reconciliation, without actually expecting it, that was more helpful.

I've finally reached a point where I truly do need to let go and let God. If we are to be, it will be because both she and I improved ourselves individually and want more than anything to be a married couple again. It won't be because of my professed 'love' for XW, which, it seems is a form of manipulation and control over her that I sought, but no longer.

This weekend, I jumped out of the frying pan in which I chose to dwell for 3+ years and into the fire. After last weekend's debacle of time spent with XW, being disrespectfully introduced to her employee/'as-of-yet-still-undecided' boyfriend, I responded to another plea for 'help' from XW because, of course I wanted to and also because I came the conclusion that I needed just one last kick in the teeth to 'seal the deal' and let go. I absolutely KNEW it was coming and I purposely put myself in front of that run away train engine (XW) and because I needed for the pain to reach my threshold of EXCEEDING whatever 'benefit' I was seeking and receiving from all of this turmoil.

I'm trying to figure out if the root cause is a single issue or a mishmash of still unresolved issues. It could be my fear of failure, fear of success, fear of happiness, fear of worthiness, badly beaten self-esteem, control issues, desire to be right, desire to prove EVERYONE wrong against all evidence and odds, desire to impose MY will over God's will, unwillingness to quit because I wished stop inflicting any further damage on my children because of our broken family....

Anyway, XW called on TH evening and said that she needed me to help her with our children on Friday evening. Her phone died and she ended up just showing up at my place to take me back with her. I was wary of putting myself in the same spot again after her stunt last weekend, but I did it anyway. TH evening was fine. Cordial. The next day, I dropped her off at work and spent the day with our S3 doing laundry, dishes, shopping, picking up prescriptions, etc. At 6:30, XW called me to tell me that she was going out with the girls after work and would get dropped off back at the house (RED FLAG). Now, the premise of my needing to be with our children is that she needed to work late. I didn't put too much thought into it and said, OK, asking her what time she expected to return. She said around 10pm and if she was going to be much later, she'd call and let me know. NP.

At 10:30, she texted me with, 'Patroling..." I texted back, "In English, please...!" No response. At 11:06, I texted again, "No idea what you meant by 'patroling.' Are you coming back here tonight? If so, approx when?" No response still. At 11:30, I looked out front and she was parked out front in Joe's car. I tooka deep breath and didn't let my disappointment get the better of me. Around midnight, still no text response from her, she came in to use the bathroom. S3 happened to be up because he fell asleep at 6:30pm and I thought he'd sleep through the night, but he didn't. When Erica came in the first time, she kissed on Jacob and I didn't say a word. She went back out telling me, "Don't lock the door. I'll be right back in. An hour later she came in with Joe in tow. Joe went to the bathroom and I could tell she'd been drinking and was in a combative mood. She asked me to tell her the truth about why Jacob was still up and said what I bad dad I was.

ME: Erica, you're not in the truth telling space.
HER: What?
ME: You lied to me about why you needed me here tonight. You said it was because you had to work late...
HER: <interrupting> Which I did.
ME: ...and then you were going to go out with the GIRLS and call me if you were going to be late. You sent me a one word text that meant nothing to me. Told me nothing. And then you came home with your boyfriend. Bad move. Bad decision after last weekend.
HER: Well, I did patrol around the complex. Me, two of my girls, and Joe. (I'm thinking, ri-i-i-i-i-ight, you freaking liar. Stop!>
ME: OK, then you went out with the girls. How is it that you are being brought home by Joe?
HER: He met up with us.
ME: Really, in a town this big, you just 'happened upon' each other? My guess is that you, the girls, or Joe decided to meet up and you jumped at the opportunity. You know, you didn't have to come back tonight to SHOW me.
HER: Joe's just a friend, a co-worker (he's her freakin' employee!)....
ME: NO. He's the guy that you still hadn't decided whether you were going to start dating yet. You told me that last week, and then you bring him back in front of me again when I'm doing YOU a favor. I'm not your babysitting/date service. Had you told me the truth, up front, I would have opted out, but you didn't. You lied. That's wrong. That's disrespectful. That is behavior that I won't tolerate.
HER: I don't owe you anything. This is my house. You're not my husband.
ME: Actually, you do owe me one thing, and that's the truth when I ask you a question.

[JOE'S BEEN IN THE BATHROOM THIS WHOLE TIME, and EMERGES]

ME: Why don't you tend to your 'friend.

He and I exchanged pleasantries on his way both in and out. He's not my problem. She creates issues that don't need to be created. She could have avoided all of this, however I do understand that I chose to be at her house to be subjected to yet another selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed display of "It's ALL about ME!" I also realize that I not only chose to be there, I let it get to me. Despite staying calm, I did speak up and express my thoughts about her disrespectful behavior towards me. I'm learning, but I need to make better gut-level decisions. I think I've learned enough though.

After Joe left, she came back in and started in attack mode that Jacob was awake because, as usual, she didn't ask even ONE question about why. MUCH more effective line of communication to make assumptions and go on attack mode. The last time I saw this BS from her, in the presence of another 'good friend' was at Jacob's 3rd birthday party in front of a small party crowd, while Abby sat to her left and Jacob sat on her lap, accusing me of having an affair with our ex-neighbor (NO truth to that attack).

One last bit of hurtful sniping she did throw in was that, by moving to my brother's soon, I'm abandoning her and our children. I told her I'm not abandoning my children. I need to move as a short-term step to achieve of my long-range goal of sorting out my life, getting on my feet, and moving forward in a positive, productive way. My BF, Wil, told me two things, that from his perspective are probably evident to everyone around me: 1) XW is only concerned about me moving temporarily because she won't have the 'hook' in me to take care of HER needs when she wants; and 2) she's shown that she's a skank (his word choice); showed it before she and I got together and is continuing on in that vein after our split. I know my family, especially my sisters, would agree. I'm haven't reached the name calling place, but he behavior has been purposely hurtful and atrocious. If she wants to do what she's doing, there's a less 'in-your-face' way of meeting her own needs. But apparently, it works for her. Being on the receiving end doesn't work for me anymore.

During this escapade, I can't put any more into trying to gain her affection and forgiveness. On my way to being dropped on on Friday night/Saturday morning, I told her, "I get that your still hurt. I understand that you haven't been able to forgive. What I do know is that the pain will fade, forgiveness will come and you will be stuck with the reality of your ongoing, purposefully hurtful behavior towards me. You'll have to reconcile that." She's stuck and I know I need to leave her in the valley and find my own way out. I stood my ground and remained calm, but if I had it to do over again, I'd have never given her another chance to make better behavioral decisions because she hadn't earned another opportunity and behaved right in-step with her destructive patterns. Since I chose to participate, I wished I'd have let it lie until morning, and had the talk then after her booze had worn off some. Regardless, my one true regret isn't so much speaking up, it was speaking up in front of Jacob. Bad choices on my part.

I'm done. I can't keep the connection going that I've craved for whatever reason (control? being right? winning at all costs?). I must let go and this most recent kick in the teeth from her is my last straw. I know I needed for her to do this so that I could honestly say that I'd done all that I could do to fix broken marriage, after the fact, but it's a done deal. I see God's PERIOD at the end of this chapter and trying to replace it with my QUESTION MARK only serves to NOT accept God's will and keep old wounds open and unhealed. I knew it was all likely to come down the way it did. I wasn't surprised, but I think I agreed because I needed that one more emphatic PERIOD to end this chapter of my life for good. She delivered. I wasn't surprised, but I was extremely disappointed and sad. I'm still sad. Mostly, I'm sad that I needed HER to DO one more thing for me to turn off my feelings for her that weren't serving me, instead of simply making the decision on my own. Again, I'm learning.

I know that I've held myself in 'pause' mode for over 3 years and the time has come to GO; to hit play and LIVE! I'm doing that now, but I'm fearful of letting go of the pain because emotional pain, for me, has been my constant and strangely comforting companion for a long time now. But today is a new day now, isn't it?

I'm sending her an e-mail today to propose a plan to limit our communication and the regular challenges that have become a part of it all. We'll see how she responds. My proposal is simply an interim step to get myself back on my feet financial and emotionally. I don't control her, but I'm hopeful that she'll agree to the temporary agreement of my having D8 and S3 every other weekend. Wish me luck, say a prayer, whatever. I need all of the positive energy I can muster to move forward and heal myself and my children and make a workable co-parenting relationship with my XW.

Please, tell me your thoughts.