Well, just an update. Yesterday, my STBX and I decided to take Yoga classes together. I found out that she had just begun going to a Yoga studio I had been intending to try. I suggested that we go together and that way I might actually get my butt in there. So we're going to go together bi-weekly and I will go by myself the other weeks. This is the first time we've actually done something together as "friends" and I'm looking forward to it. It's not like Ballroom Dance (which we took when we were together) where we actually had to work at something together...which was a disaster, it's just doing your own thing in the same class. We'll see how it goes. If it sucks, we'll stop! Also, two weeks ago STBX called me and asked if I could drop by to talk about the girls. During our conversation she brought up my church attendance, she said "I just want you to know that I'm in full agreement with you taking the girls to church" she wanted to know if there were groups they could become involved in or summer programs offered. She said "they need positive influences in their lives". Wow! She's also coming to my church on Easter with the girls to see me perform in the choir presentation. So that's it from the Whatis front, life moves ahead and I'm still breathing!
Mmm! How things change, 'eh! The thick plottens! She, at least, seems to be doing the right thing now. Hope it continues to where you can be best friends.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Best friends! I'm thinking not Tonight STBX and I went to our first Hot Yoga class together. It actually made me long for army boot camp, what a friggin' workout! Just imagine doing 90 minutes of Yoga in hell and you've pretty much got Hot Yoga. Y'know there were babes with sweaty bodies everywhere but I couldn't see any of them because I was blinded by my own sweat. STBX told me I was doing great and then started giggling so I was a bit skeptical about that comment. Finally she whispered "lie down" and I hit the floor. After class the teacher said "Hey, you made it through the whole class, way to go" and actually afterwards I felt really good and refreshed. Just hope I can walk tomorrow. So STBX and I had an enjoyable time together, we talked in the car to and from the class (does anybody remember our car trips to Ballroom dance where she basically wouldn't speak to me!) and when I left her place she told me that she'd keep going with me. So I tried something new tonight (and lived...so far) and hopefully made an inroad with STBX as far as building a better R together. It was fun. Oh, yesterday was her birthday and we had a nice little family party together at her place. She was very appreciative of the gifts and the effort I put into doing this, I even invited my parents and we all had a great visit together.
Welcome back. I'm not sure what the dealio is with you and STBX? What's in it for you by being with her and doing things together? Doesn't it make it harder to detach? Is she still with her "friend"? Is she borderline personality? It seems so at times. Has she exploded lately or been unreasonable? It's probably right around the corner!
Well, to detach means to let go of the poison and I have always tried to do that. My faith has also enabled me to recognize that what happened between her and I is now between her and God. I know when I face my maker I can say I did everything I could, what she will say is none of my business. The issue for me is also that we have two children to raise together and the better we get along, the better for them. My philospohy is that when married I tried to show them what it meant to be a good husband and father and now that we're separated I'm trying to show them how adults should behave when life kicks us in the head. I don't mean to sound self righteous and my situation may be easier in some ways as I have a spouse who also wants to play ball, but that's how I see it. Now, if I find this too confusing or it's stopping me from finding a new R, then I will pull back. Right now, I feel OK about it. BTW, she's invited me to come with her and the girls on Saturday to visit a group of old friends, I'll probably go. Sunday she's coming to my church with the girls to watch me perform in the choir and then we're going to my parents for dinner. Is this weird? Probably, but whatis is! I'm not trying to re-ignite anything with her, she's not someone who is willing to accept compromise or particularly caring in a R, and apparently not faithful either! I'm willing to interact on a different level and that's where it's at right now. Thanks for dropping by FLTC, I'm still checking in on you!
Today was a wonderful day, in the morning my family (STBX and the kids) joined me at my church to watch me perform with the choir. Afterwards we all went out for lunch at a Japanese noodle place my STBX wanted to share with us and then we headed over to my parents for an Easter dinner. It's funny because I'm still so proud to introduce her to people, I shouldn't feel that way but I always felt like the luckiest guy in the world when I had the opportunity to introduce her to others! My choir friends were saying I should keep praying that we'll get back together but I don't do that. I can't imagine wanting back what I had with her and I guess to pray that she'll change and...well, it just seems too much to ask! Maybe I just don't want to risk myself emotionally anymore, I've suffered enough. I just trust that God will work in my life in whatever way is best, I just don't pray for her to be back in my life in that way. Besides He'll do what needs to be done whether I pray for it or not! Anyway, we're getting along much better the way things are, I can live with that. Happy Easter Dbers!
I'm just wondering how others are experiencing year 2 of separation/divorce? I actually find the second year harder than the first! When you first separate you feel like a soldier going into combat. You know what you have to do to survive and you set your mind to doing it. You've seen what has happened to others who haven't buckled down and you don't want to go there! You work hard at keepin' on keepin' on. There are all sorts of practical considerations to sort out, a new life to build and people are aware of your sitch and check in with you often. In year two it's like coming back from combat and having to deal with all the post traumatic stress that surfaces after doing what you've had to do to survive! Sometimes now I look at my life and think "this is it", the new adventure is done and what's left is what's left. Although I feel this hole inside I really don't know how to describe it and people don't really inquire anymore. I've had to deal with feelings of inadaquacy, undesirability (is that a word?) and the air of confidence I used to have has taken a bit of a beating. I don't want my wife but I don't feel I can be with anyone else. I'm in a kind of limbo. Yes, year two is a strange one and I know it's a process. Anyone else? Just to add, my church is looking to start a small group for separated/divorced people after my making the suggestion to the Pastor recently. I think that would be immensely helpful...if anyone else signs up!
I found being in limbo very difficult but my ex wouldn't stop his affair so there really wasn't much to do. I didn't want a divorce, I wanted to fight for our family and our marriage. Today he constantly throws that in my face. Well if having morals and loving your family is a disgrace, I wear it proudly.
I don't think about him so much except for the dangerous road he is treading on with our kids. He forces her in their face and is trying to force them all to be a big happy family. I fear he will lose them at this rate. Physically they may have to go with him but emotionally they are checking out. It is sad to watch.
My biggest goal is to help the kids get through this the best I can. I am certainly prone to having bad days but the good ones have been catching up nicely. What on earth did I think about before this bomb blew up? Because now it is filled with nagging doubt, rushing everyone to where they need to be by myself and trying to figure out how to make my life what I want.
This is the hard part because you truly have to let go of what was and focus on what is and what you want it to become.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
For what it's worth, you are in limbo at your own hand. Why don't you file for divorce and get it over with? You hang out with her and the kids as often as some married people. What are you hoping for? I can't figure it out? Y
ou, by the way, are not undesirable, and you will find someone else. You're smart, funny and have a great sense of humor. Sorry wii, I'm not hittin' on ya! I'm hopelessly heterosexual, but ENOUGH! File or reconcile!
FLTC, I really don't see how having a piece of paper that says "divorced" is going to change the "limbo" feeling. I have no fantasies nor desires to have her back as wife, she's still the same person she was when we were together. Normally I rarely see her except for family reasons. As far as Yoga, it's once every two weeks and I'm passing next week as I have other plans. I have two goals here, one is to keep my family as healthy as I can and that means being in some ways friendly with my ex. The other is to move on as a man which I find far more difficult. I know what it's like to be a family man but I'm out in left field when it comes to being a single man. During the first year of separation I actually felt like there was some amazing future out there for me, I was a desirable man, even after a couple of pretty negative experiences but entering that second year I lost that feeling of confidence. Anyway, don't be concerned about me getting myself into some kind of warped fantasy world concerning my STBX...why would I want that back again! Thanks for dropping by.
She, at least, seems to be doing the right thing now. Hope it continues to where you can be best friends. 