Maybe the passage of more time will help some; she moved out on Feb. 22nd of this year...so it's going on two months. But I think it also requires some conscious effort on our parts. I find myself wondering where she is and what she's doing, etc. Basically...I miss her. I'd like to get to where I don't miss her, but I don't know how. Again, not giving up, just want to be able to get stronger and better. Having these emotions prevents me, I think, from doing that fully.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
It really bothers me that I can't stop thinking about her. It bothers me that I haven't been able to 'detatch'. I want to not think about her anymore, and I want to 'detatch'. I just haven't been able to. How do you do it? She was able to drop me, and her feelings for me, like a hot rock. I want to do the same likewise...not giving up...just necessary for me to continue to progress. Any help or suggestions?
I hear you. My wife moved out today. I'm already picking up signs my 7 year old is getting mad/frustrated/sad about it. He's asking why mommy had to rent an apartment and how long its going to be. I haven't started missing her yet, but I think it's because I'm starting to get mad.
My therapist said that I need to make sure I spend at least 30 minutes/day on something creative to keep me from slipping into a depression as well as help me get focused on something other than my wife. Maybe that is something that you could try...
Best of luck....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
It really bothers me that I can't stop thinking about her. It bothers me that I haven't been able to 'detatch'. I want to not think about her anymore, and I want to 'detatch'. I just haven't been able to. How do you do it? She was able to drop me, and her feelings for me, like a hot rock. I want to do the same likewise...not giving up...just necessary for me to continue to progress. Any help or suggestions?
I hear you. My wife moved out today. I'm already picking up signs my 7 year old is getting mad/frustrated/sad about it. He's asking why mommy had to rent an apartment and how long its going to be. I haven't started missing her yet, but I think it's because I'm starting to get mad.
My therapist said that I need to make sure I spend at least 30 minutes/day on something creative to keep me from slipping into a depression as well as help me get focused on something other than my wife. Maybe that is something that you could try...
Best of luck....
I'm riding my bike on my days off, going to the range with friends, doing some hunting, seeing a counselor once a week, reading about 3 books at a time, and having my kids on my days off (we share our kids 50/50). I started Celexa about a month or so ago too! I'm trying to focus on other stuff. But I still find myself thinking about her. I miss her. I don't want to think about her or miss her. Not giving up...just need to do it to help me get better and stronger.
You're getting mad? I never got mad. I know that anger protects you from vulnerability, so maybe the anger will work for you.
Good luck to you too!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
She was able to drop me, and her feelings for me, like a hot rock. I want to do the same likewise...not giving up...just necessary for me to continue to progress. Any help or suggestions?
If it helps... she didn't drop you like a hot rock, It just feels that way. She built up to the decision and was able to do it over time without you noticing it. If you look back you will most likely realize that there were subtle hints that the relationship was struggling. She probablly took longer to get over you than it will take for you to get over her. You are forced to do it quicker.
I only share this because I had a lot of resentment to the cold comments my wife made after she broke the news. She would talk like the decision was no big deal and it killed me. When I found out this piece of information out it allowed me to forgive those comments and remain friendly with her. That was important since we will share custody.
Also if you read the section on thought stopping in the DR book. You will find it in the infidelity chapter. It may help. I used this along with some stuff from another book. Substitute her inplace of the images of infidelity. Practice it over and over and it will help.
There are other tecniques you can use but they aare meant to completly get over someone not really detach with love.
These were working pretty good for me until she sent me a message that sucked me back in Shame on me
I've heard my share of cold comments, and I've felt my share of awful feelings and emotions too! It hurts bad. But, over the years, I've sure dished out a ton of this crap at her. I didn't mean it, I was just angry and resentful. It feels like she means it though! I know she has TONS of anger and resentment to work through. I've got the DR book...I'm just not to that part yet. I'm also reading 'Love Without Hurt' by Stosny...what an eye opener! I am learning a lot from this book. What a screw-up I was!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I asked my W straight-up once why she had no emotion over this whole matter. She said she'd already gone through it long before she ever told me.
She also said that if I'd been paying better attention to her comments and behavior then we could have avoided this whole thing - so now one of the biggest emotions I suffer is regret. (I wish she would have told me in plain English but I guess they don't work that way.)
Thought-stopping. Hmmm.... Doing other activities seems to help me because at least I'm feeling happy about something. Staying alone is the absolute worst. I have a bad tendency to ruminate about stuff. Thinking long-term helps too. I know things took a long time to get to this stage and any recovery or fix will take equally as long. Looking down the road a year to a year and a half (one month for each year of M) takes the pressure off today.
Last edited by orangedog; 04/18/0908:40 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Funny you should mention that book. I was reading it while visiting some mutual friends of the W and forgot it there. I also forgot to pick it up from those friends and after two weeks the friends dropped the book off to my W, which she handed back to me. My embarrassing look was probably amusing to her.
My current book list includes: DR, No More Mr Nice Guy (NMMNG), Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants (BSMWW). These are all huge eye openers for me.
I asked my W straight-up once why she had no emotion over this whole matter. She said she'd already gone through it long before she ever told me.
She also said that if I'd been paying better attention to her comments and behavior then we could have avoided this whole thing - so now one of the biggest emotions I suffer is regret. (I wish she would have told me in plain English but I guess they don't work that way.)
Thought-stopping. Hmmm.... Doing other activities seems to help me because at least I'm feeling happy about something. Staying alone is the absolute worst. I have a bad tendency to ruminate about stuff. Thinking long-term helps too. I know things took a long time to get to this stage and any recovery or fix will take equally as long. Looking down the road a year to a year and a half (one month for each year of M) takes the pressure off today.
Mine did the same thing.
I can relate to this also. I suffer from regret and remorse over this also. I wish I had heard "If this doesn't get better...I'm gonna leave"!
I know that, if it's ever gonna work out for us...it's gonna be a long time.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I was just angry and resentful. It feels like she means it though!
She probably thinks she does now but if it is anything like my situation she will soften and may aplogize for some of the comments. There are some that my wife doesn't even remember making
I forgot the person now but i was reading someones post that was back together with his wife and they had agreed to not talk about anything that was said during their crisis period and forget anything that was said. I thought that was smart.
Shame on me