I am struggling w/ the "affair" word.. i dont know why.. i think b/c i didnt set out to hurt him or replace him.. and i really didnt notice that i was feeling so detached until i started feeling so much excitement from the attention.. then i wondered why i didnt feel this with him.. and it was because he was not interested in me for years.. He admits it.. and doesnt know why he was like that.. but didnt think at the time he was doing anything harmful..( much like myself).. we are working on it.. its so hard and wierd now.. I feel like a sleezy cheater ...b/c he feels like i am.. and i feel like i cant defend it b/c then he thinks im saying i had a reason to do it..
I have enrolled to go back to college and joined the gym.. i am gonig to work on myself and hope he works on himself.. he has just totally checked out of life in the past 8-10 years.. and hope that as i feel better about myself that i will be able to work w/ him ... Im just afraid b/c there is so little there in my heart for him.. and that is scary after being married so long.. Thank you for the encouragement.. i need all i can get.. i will go and read your history an posts.. THank you h
