I thought his coming over after 8:00 on the 15th to have you do taxes was very, very inconsiderate! Maybe you don't have to do that much, but for some people, it takes many hours of preparing to file taxes. I think it goes back to him acting immature, selfish, and just plain inconsiderate. He was putting his "fun time” before anything or anybody else and he was not thinking about the late hours ahead for you working on those taxes. BTW, do you work outside the home?
I know you are skittish about pulling back b/c you are concerned that it will appear that you are not committed to the M. However, with the frame of mind that he is in........that is the only thing that will get his attention and the only technique that will work. I personally think you need to lay down some serious guidelines or boundaries. I would start with the bills, credit cards, bank accounts, etc. For one reason......you simply cannot trust a person in MLC. (You don't have to say those words to him, but after all, he left you.....right? The two of you are separated, right? Living separate lives, right? That may be what I would say to him as a reminder.) He is not the man you married and have known all those years of growing up together. He doesn't even know who he is himself right now. He may wake up one morning and decide to "go for broke" as the old saying goes, and spend every cent the two of you have on something completely stupid. But once it is gone.....it's gone! If the two of you have a savings account.....I would certainly do something to see that that is protected!
The next thing to decide is your boundaries/guidelines about how he shows respect toward you. He needs to understand that he must not do anything that appears that he is taking you for granted b/c you have a life also. Perhaps in your MC session (if the two of you are still doing that together) you could bring that topic up and inform him that you will never again sit around “waiting” for him to show up whenever “he” decides he is ready to go to your house after he has called and told you he was coming. It may not hurt to throw in the fact that you don’t particularly want to know his “business” like-- where he is or what he is doing when he calls (like telling you he is in a bar with another lady). If something happened unforseen that he saw he would be late and called....that would be showing consideration, but a gentleman does not call to tell his wife he decided to stop at a bar and is with another woman......just b/c the rest of the gang didn't show up. Again, immature and inconsiderate! But anyway, it needs to be said in a way that he won’t think you are jealous.....only that you expect to be shown respect.
BTW, that last time in the MC session, I think what you said and how you explained your actions (DBing) was perfect! I would never, however, explain what DBing is or why you are doing it. Remember, those are your tools and your game plan and it’s not for him to know.
Anyway, back to what I was talking about…….. he must not do as he did on the 15th and just assume that you will be there waiting until he gets through having his "good time" and then decides to mosey on over to your place and think you will still be there "patiently waiting" for him. After all……he called!! He told you he was coming over and then he decides to go to hang out with the old gang?
That is why, Limbo, you need to become unavailable to him and not be there whenever he decides to drop by unannounced or if he decides to pick up his phone and call just to chat. I know you thought that one time was a positive action.....and one time it may be.....but the next time it may be the fact he doesn't have anything better to do at the moment. (Sorry to be so blunt.) Limo, he needs to be shocked! He needs a good shaking and a wake-up call, and about the only thing that does that to a person in MLC is when the LBS drops the rope. However, I don't think you have reached that place yet, so.......you need to work on pulling back a little more and GAL and being unavailable to him.
I find it interesting that he has noticed your changes! The only answer he could come up with was that he thinks it is “fake”. Well, that will take time to prove, but so be it. Just be that much more determined to do those changes for YOU and not as a gimmick to get him to come back home. The biggest problem for LBS is that they are too afraid to pull back. They are afraid of doing anything that they think would push him farther away. That is what most LBS do not get! They have to do what they "think" is opposite. Even though they read Michelle's books and they read these posts......in their heart they still think they know what's best b/c they know the "person" they are M to. They keep forgetting that person is not who they have always known. That person thinks differently, feels differently and will act differently. That is why the LBS feels as if they are on the roller coaster ride also, b/c they are tying to constantly figure out the MLC spouse and they nearly go nuts trying to do it. They can't! And, until they reach the place that they realize that we do know what we are talking about and that Michelle's books are right........then they are going to be very, very miserable trying to do things "their way". I am not saying this is what you are or are not doing at the moment.......I am just saying this is the way it will be until you can fully accept the DB principles and apply them. I do think you are still a little afraid to completely do that. You've got to 1) understand what those principles mean and 2) are consistent in the application. B/c if you don't understand them, you can screw things up big time. I have been amazed at how some people have totally misconstrued what a certain technique meant and just made things worse. That is why you need to ask questions if you are not certain about it.
I believe the most misunderstood principle in DBing is the detaching. People usually lean too far one way or the other. That is why I use the term "pull back". I bet you have known some person in your lifetime that you have pulled back in the friendship and yet you were not rude nor mistreated them. You were friend-ly but were not BFF. You did not worry over anything they did or said b/c.....frankly; you didn't really care enough for it to merit you worrying about it. I understand that it is different when talking about one's spouse. However, that is why you need to "act as if" until you can actually feel doing it is very normal. When you can get your focus off of him........I MEAN REALLY OFF OF HIM......and onto you, your boys, and YOUR life.....then you will be so much happier. WHEN you are really able to do that and he is convinced that it isn't "fake" and that you are serious, then he will discover that his focus in on YOU!
We are here for you and will try to walk you through this the best that we can, but what I just told you is the most important first steps that you can take. I think he needs to know the boundaries and be made to respect them. You can explain what they are in a nice but firm way without sounding b*tchy. Nothing else will work until he respects you. This would be a good time to start setting those boundaries. You also need to set up goals for yourself. Have you done that yet? You need to have something planned each week and especially the weekends, so that it will have your mind occupied and keep you busy so that you will not be focused on H 100% of the time.
As for the OW………..I understand her side of it a little better (I think) but for your H………he may not have pursued her sexually since she had been abused by an older man, but he felt “needed” by her--or something. In other words, he was getting something out of that R! She was either boosting his ego or she was filling in some gap in his life………he was not just trying to show her a type of support or friendship with him getting something in return. You know why I know? B/c I’ve been there. Also, b/c it triggered him into a MLC. Perhaps he was already groomed (so to speak) for entering MLC b/c of his lack of fulfillment in the MR....but there was something there that kept him stuck to her side and interested. However, if he truly meant it when he backed away "b/c it was inappropriate" (I suppose he was having inappropriate feelings for her), I guess we can at least give him a bit of credit for that. The one thing I don’t understand is why she would turn to an older man if she was abused by an older man. You see, my daughter was sexually molested by an older man and she can barely stand to be around any older men now. Unless this OW was somehow seeking a “father” figure.....I don’t get it. And, I’m not sure I buy it, but if in the end she will stay away from your H....and he stays away from her.....that is what is important.
I hope that in MC, that your H will see the need to stop this immature behavior and see the importance of being a father to his boys and spending time with them. I hope he will see that hanging out with any “group” that does not include one’s spouse only spells trouble (unless it is all guys). I hope he will quickly get his priorities in order and that he will see what a jewel he has in his wife.
Keep us in touch with what is going on in the MC sessions. If you ever see that your C is not working toward the M being reconciled, then you need to stop seeing him/her. Hopefully, you have a very good MC.
Hope you have a good weekend and stay busy. If you don’t have the boys this weekend, then do something special for yourself to feel good. BTW, if there has not been a set schedule for H to have the boys by now………do it ASAP. Don’t let him have the kids when it is just convenient for him! Your time is just as important as his. You GAL is just as important as his! He needs to be made aware of that fact.
Take care and hope to hear from you soon. Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
