Questions

[goingtofixME]

It has been since the day I went and dropped the mail off after getting my hair done (Wednesday) that I have seen and talked to my H. This is part of my 180. I am giving him his space and not contacting him. I plan on taking his mail to him either tonight or in the morning and leaving it in the truck beside the gym so I do not have to see him. He received a bank statement. A shock to me as I wasn't expecting him to use our address to get anything and had no idea he had gone and set up his own account. I'm not mad, just hurt. When we talked about my account and how I was going to have to close it out completely and open another he seemed distressed and wanted to know why I couldn't just make him inactive as I did on our insurance. I had to tell him it doesn't work that way. I had also discussed how I was going to have to change my name and all my accounts and how I was proud to be his wife and that this was so difficult. He appears to want me to keep everything as it is for the time being. I don't know what this means. I wrote in another post how I had begged and pleaded with him to take away my hope and just tell me he wanted a divorce and he said he couldn't. Is all of this being done because he felt like he was a failure and that he couldn't live up to his promises to me unless he got away from me and HAD to do them? He says he feels awkward being happy around me, but that he is really happy, but why when I look in his eyes does the happiness not reach his eyes? I told him how proud I am of his getting his diploma and GED and told him he should be so proud of himself. He says he is but that he doesn't want to sound so happy around me. The weird thing is that in our relationship all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. His being depressed and morose was always something that upset me. Why would he think that now I would want him miserable? I said something really awful to him when he was leaving. The momma bear came out in me at the thought of him just walking out on my kids and how miserable and hurt they were going to be. I've been witness to it before. I told him that I hoped he had nightmares for the rest of his life about the pain he caused them. It is probably the meanest thing other than telling him I hated him I have ever said. I know I can't take these back and obviously they are things he still thinks about and uses to fuel his separation from me, and I am sorry that I said them. I was so hurt and in such pain. I wanted him to feel a little bit of it too. Makes me catty. I am not proud of those moments. I have ordered more books to help me.

I am trying to work on 180's and have a question in regard to. Are 180's things we do that won't even be seen by our ex? Such as, a 180 for me would be to do more for myself (difficult due to my illness, but is something that he became resentful about).
Here is a list of 180's, tell me what you think

1. Do more for myself
2. No contact
3. Actively listen and do not defend myself
4. Validate his feelings and do not defend myself
5. Do not talk about the R or fixing things
6. Get more physically active (he had stated that his type is someone more physically active, although I've never really been that. He's mentioned in past conversations prior to the split that he wishes I would go wrestle with him at the gym.)

I told him in the past that I wanted to be his friend. He told a friend of mine that he didn't think that was possible because I would always be pushing him about our relationship.

I just feel like I am spinning my wheels. I get all mired up reading relationship stuff, feeling sorry for myself, and not doing anything. I've worked through a lot of things in my head. It's the physical stuff I am procrastinating about. I go see my counselor on Tuesday.