Sorry to burst your bubble but feel the need to say something. I am new here and haven't posted my story yet. Been just reading and will make a post soon. But am going through something with some common things as to your sitch. You are acting out of hurt anger and are wanting revenge. That's the hard thing about one side to a story. But one thing that popped out at me HUGE is that YOU had an affair! YOU broke your wife's heart once upon a time. YOU broke your marriage vows and were weak. Then lol go figure you are out there with a private investigator digging up stuff to use on her. I don't know how you do that with a clear conscience knowing you are guilty of the same. Then going to go off on a tangent about how she MUST just have mental issues to be having an affair and moving on with her life. She could have said the same about you. I am sure she would have said negative things about the woman you decided to put your penis in.
One thing I want to mention is what you did to her I am sure hurt and broke her heart bad. Do two wrongs make a right, no they don't. But what you are doing right now on your quest to rip her child away and tear her to shreds as much as you possibly can is in my opinion very hypocritical. You talk about her metal health well I am sure you contributed to that when you slept with another woman.
Sorry to burst your bubble but feel the need to say something. I am new here and haven't posted my story yet. Been just reading and will make a post soon. But am going through something with some common things as to your sitch. You are acting out of hurt anger and are wanting revenge. That's the hard thing about one side to a story. But one thing that popped out at me HUGE is that YOU had an affair! YOU broke your wife's heart once upon a time. YOU broke your marriage vows and were weak. Then lol go figure you are out there with a private investigator digging up stuff to use on her. I don't know how you do that with a clear conscience knowing you are guilty of the same. Then going to go off on a tangent about how she MUST just have mental issues to be having an affair and moving on with her life. She could have said the same about you. I am sure she would have said negative things about the woman you decided to put your penis in.
One thing I want to mention is what you did to her I am sure hurt and broke her heart bad. Do two wrongs make a right, no they don't. But what you are doing right now on your quest to rip her child away and tear her to shreds as much as you possibly can is in my opinion very hypocritical. You talk about her metal health well I am sure you contributed to that when you slept with another woman.
That is an awful lot of assuming.
As a matter of fact, I have approached her on multiple occasions to ask her about getting mental help. In fact, a discussion about asking her to make a doctor's appointment and offering to pay for counseling is what precipitated our separation.
Her behavior deteriorated rapidly after the birth of the baby (May 2008), the death of her father (Sep 2008), and the beginning of her A (Oct/Nov 2008). This is someone who listened to christian radio non-stop, taught my boys bible songs, and professed a desire to adopt them.
Now she listens to heavy metal, screams at my children, and doesn't even give them the time of day recently - even though her mother and brother do.
I am acting out of pity that someone is so lost. Yes I had an A, I admitted to my wife within the week, asked for forgiveness, and moved forward.
She filed to divorce me accusing me of abuse that never occurred - and her attorney has basically openly spoken of using the prior incident in 2002 with my xW as the basis of building a grey area around their accusations now since there is no evidence.
This was after I offered to mutually divorce. I offered to give her 50% of everything, I just wanted Joint Custody at the time.
So I hired the Private Investigator to bust the A I already had suspicion was going on - yet I had given her the opportunity to end the marriage without resorting to that.
And I'm discussing mental issues because I uncovered a long and documented history (2+ years) of self-mutilation, suicidal thoughts, abandonment fears, etc. that seemed to match up with BPD. And this is just what she chose to write in her own journal.
Rather than "going to go off on a tangent" I discussed my concerns with a licensed therapist to determine whether I was on the right track. I purchased two books on the disorder recommended by said therapist and saw similarities between my situation and what was described in the books.
I wouldn't waste money on a psychological evaluation unless I was thoroughly convinced that money would be well spent. Just like I wouldn't have wasted money on a P.I. had W not chosen the route she did - because I offered her an easy out.
What I am doing right now is a quest to protect my own daughter's mental health and emotional well-being. If my W does suffer from this disorder there is a large body of documented research that supports my desire to have my D1 in a healthy environment with me. If somehow the long and documented mental history and self-mutilation was something she "got over" because in her journal she wrote about me:
"He's made me into the person I've always wanted to be, just didn't, because I was doing wrong before I met him. Once I met him I changed."
This was a few months after writing about wanting to die, committing suicide, etc.
I don't have a magic touch that 'fixed' these problems for her... at least I don't think that is a rational thought and would be pretty egocentric for me to believe so.
I'm watching her repeat the behavior, leaving our D1 unattended while partying, drinking, carrying on her A, and basically treating D1 as an object, not a person.
W withheld D1 prior to my getting a court order from even being able to see me. My father came in town and he only gets to see the kids a few times a year - and W withheld my daughter because she was angry with me and wouldn't let him see her.
So no... I don't feel hypocritical or guilty about it at all. I've said my mea culpa's, I've taken responsibility, I've requested family assistance prior to going the legal route on her mental health, I've discussed my concerns with W directly.
I've done all the stupid things legally until it gets to the point where the only route I have is to go on the attack because they do not listen to reason.
I told W I'd be willing to agree to her having custody if she would voluntarily go through a psychological evaluation. She responded by canceling any negotiations and refusing to let me take D1 to see my family.
Since this is the only route I've been given, I have no choice. Next to my name: Defendant. They chose this route. They wanted to bully me out of money, custody, and basically the right to be a parent.
You have the freedom to choose your actions. You do not have the freedom to choose the consequences of your actions.
It isn't my place to punish W and I have no desire to do so. I'd like to see her get help, but ultimately I have no control over if she chooses to do so or not. What I do have control over is my own actions, motivations, and desires. I have no desire for a future where I find my own daughter writing a journal about how she cuts herself to get away from the pain of W's emotional abuse.
Plain and simple.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Have you thought about doing the psych eval to show that you are a competent, SAFE, capable person, and that you are willing to do the very thing that you asked her to do. Not that I think you need one, I just hadnt thought of it before I saw it up there. It seems like as long as you are amassing evidence, it might be something to add to your file.
I dated a guy once who was, Ill say bipolar, he was paranoid and depressed, his mania was expressed as extremely paranoid and jealous behavior, and body anxiety that he absolutely could not be consoled about. Once he told me that if his penis could not be bigger, he didnt see the point in continuing to live, and this came from a man with a child! When we first started dating, I didn't notice it at all, I was a psych major! He was just perfect, but once we had been together for a few months he would accuse me of the most bizarre things, always involving being unfaithful (never true!) and become extremely depressed, and I absolutely believe that the high of us falling in love was enough, at first, to counteract his condition. I think thats probably what your wife was writing about in her journals.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I still stand by my statement I think you are in revenge mode. There are two sides to every story. You don't seem to want to take ANY accountability that you strained your marriage and were the first to have an affair. You broke your wife's heart I am sure. Here she was in love, and raising your son's and you slept with someone else. Just because you said sorry you seem to think it is okay. Do you think she should use this in court as a defense and also to show the kind of character you have?
My ex could say crazy things about me to. I use to listen to 80's alot. Now I love hip hop. Not crazy I just really like the new music. I change a lot I think most people do. I use to never go out and do anything at all. Now I bowl, enjoy hiking, and going to movies and hanging with friend's. Not crazy again. A big change for me but am just living life. See what I mean there are two sides to every story and one person can blow the story completly up. I think you are acting out of anger I really do. Why would you have her personal journal anyway? How did she get a job as a teacher with a diagnosed mental condition?
I have taken accountability. To my wife. To my preacher. To my wife's mother. To my own mother.
I came clean without prompting by everyone except W's mother, and when she asked me about it I didn't lie once and came clean at the first question.
Are you upset that I haven't taken accountability to you? Quite frankly, there was a lot more to it than "Oops Sorry!" and forgetting about it. But those conversations were between me and W and I see no need to rehash it on an internet message board.
Rest assured that I take 50% of the responsibility for my M.
As far as the rest of your concerns, that I am out for 'revenge' I doubt there is anything I can say to change your mind. And there is a big difference between bowling, enjoying hiking, and going out to movies versus slitting your wrists, talking about committing suicide because a boy dumps you, and idealizing/devaluing the people who care about you.
One isn't crazy. The other is bats**t insane.
In my layman's opinion anyway.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Did you tell us she was a teacher? Elementary school? Hmmm...that's interesting.
Interesting in a "Oh my Goodness she teaches kids!" kind of way, based upon what you have told us. And, that's what we go by because we are here to support the people that come to this site. DCBM has stated that he wants to help his wife, but she won't get help. She has made up awful stories about him in order to try to take his daughter from him, so he does what he has to do. And, we are here to support him.
Oh, I saw you mention your sons earlier. It seems like a good idea to just have something like that on hand, just because these things can get so out of control, so Im glad to hear that you have already thought of it. Always ready! Like a freaking boyscout.
As far as your A is concerned, you either forgive someone or dont. You dont go having a revenge A a few years down the road. So, I dont think thats whats going on at all. And I dont think that you are out for revenge either.
I hate how these people behave in the throes of their A's! Your transcript earlier with your W's responses consisting of grunts and I dont knows reminded me soooo much of my own conversations with my H. I couldnt get much more than that out of him for months.
I wonder if they cant come up with an answer because they cant completely reconcile their own behavior... "Why do you feel like you need to look outside our M?" the response "I dont know", or the shrug actually means, I have no idea why Im doing this, and on a deeper level, my own behavior is disgusting me, I cant understand why I feel like I have to go against my own beliefs and principles, so I cant answer your question.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Did you tell us she was a teacher? Elementary school? Hmmm...that's interesting.
I may have mentioned she works at the daycare. She does call herself a teacher.
Based on that comment hopeful71 made along with the registration date being closed to mine and lack of post history, I'm almost of the belief that this could be one of W's friends or W herself.
If so, I'm sure they know how to contact me and ask their questions straight-up. If not - interested in seeing you describe your sitch and why you are here.
Last edited by DCBHM; 04/18/0910:19 PM.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
