The adventure continues--part 3

[Kenn]

AFWAW,

Sucks what you are going through. I have my version as so do all the others. I am curious though from reading your posts. Is your wife sharing her indecision with your daughter? I sounds like your daughter is on the roller coaster with you.

I have always thought that if I get to this point my daughter will be the last to know that wife and I are moving back in together. It's hard enough for me.

I came to that appreciation after my life as a kid in an ugly divorce and friends of divorced parents. Most kids spend their first year praying or wishing that parents will get back together.

My wife has justified a whole lot too. She even wrote a poem for daughter's play that talks about being on a journey. LOL! I wanted to throttle her and say the only reason our daughter is on any da@# journey is because you tied her to the wheel of the bus!

If your wife is sharing her indecision with her, could you ask her to appreciate that boundry and not talk to daughter about it until you guys decide how and when you will do it?

I told my wife in one discussion we had - "I am not saying I want to reconcile but if we did then I would want..." Don't know whether I should have or not but it didn't start an argument. But I didn't want to make it sound like she had me on the shelf waiting for her because either. And as of now she may not.

[AFWAW]

No, my wife is not sharing her thoughts with my daughter. Matter of fact, it's going on day 5 now with no contact for my daughter from her mom. I'm taking her to a birthday party tonight and tomorrow we'll go putt-putt and see a movie. She also has a counseling session tomorrow.

My daughter didn't want her mom to come at first and now is missing her and does want her home. I asked my daugher if she told her mom that and she said no, she knows already. I said, how will she know if you don't tell her? She said, I don't know. I told her it was up to her if she wanted to tell her. I'm not trying to make her do anything she doesn't want to do regarding this. And I certainly don't want that to be the only reason my wife comes home.

[Kenn]

Wow, I don't get how some parents just walk away from their kids. My wife is inadverntaly neglecting our daughter by spending too much time on cell phone and monofocused into her own world but she stiil wants jsut as much time with her. I regret your daughter is going through this.

[PortlandDad]

For some WAS they become so entrenched in their own little worlds that not even their love and devotion for their kids is enough to bring them out of it. It is really sad, but it points to the power of their own confusion, guilt, or chemical high that made them walk away in the first place.

[AFWAW]

Well, the wife finally talked with my daughter last night. It was only because my daughter called and left a message about something she had left at the wife's apartment. The wife called me afterwards to talk about it. I guess she was concerned because I was not at home and it was 1030 at night? I told her I was on the way to pick up my daughter from the b-day party. She said she would like to come over to see my D on Sat. I said, well, she's got counseling and then we are going to go putt-putt and see a movie. She said, oh, well I guess I'll try for Sunday. She talked a little bit about work and seemed really disappointed and said I'll let you go. Ok, the next step I shouldn't have done but I did. I felt sorry for her so I called her back and asked if she wanted to go putt-putt and to the movies with us. She said I don't know? WTF? Ok, no big I said. She said when I talked to D she didn't seem like she wanted to talk to me and seemed angry. (Ok, keep in mind that it has been 5 days, my daughter initiated contact and she's wondering why my daughter isn't that enthusiastic to talk to her mother.) I said ok. She said can you call me when you guys are going to go and I'll let you know as I might have to work. Sure no problem. Got home and had a message on the answering machine. It said something to the effect of hello to my D and she wanted to see her and she loved her, yada, yada, yada. At the end after slight hesitation she said: I love you too, John.

So, nothing really new here. She's already said she loved me and here we are steadily counting down toward a 3 month seperation and the impending news of if I'm going to get promoted and get orders out of here. She has a lot to think about and decide in a very short span of time. I know she still loves me but does she love me enough to come home and take a risk on us again. We'll see.

[PortlandDad]

I feel for you. 3 months is a painful milestone. I think my worst days were all < 3 months. Monday will be 5 months for me. It does get better, but it never gets easy.

[AFWAW]

Well, D had her IC this morning. I spoke w/ C before my D went in. Told her about D being upset and how she wouldn't tell her mom how she feels. I told C about how wife is giving mixed signals and how this may come to a head fairly quickly if I have to move. She called what the wife was doing the "crazy maker". She asked about who would take my daughter. I said I would but based on what the lawyer said it would be difficult. She said she didn't see it that way based on my D and her insight. She said that she would provide recommendation for a parenting evaluation if I wanted and would also recommend an evaluator that she knew if necessary. She said based on what my daughter has said and what little interaction she's had with me she was almost certain I would have a good chance of retaining custody. Ok, that's good news if I have to get a divorce.

Talked with the wife about my D on the phone while session was going on. She once again said something to the effect that it seemed like D did not want to be around her. Very pleasant, but no mention of moving back home--all superficial crap that doesn't matter. I wanted to very badly ask her if she was going to move back home but did not--very difficult for me.

I talked w/ my D after her session and asked her if she had considered telling her Mom that she missed her and wanted her back home since she was telling me and the counselor that. She said no, she needs to figure that out on her own. Wow--it's like my wife and daughter are playing games with each other. On one hand, I cannot fault my daughter as she really didn't do anything wrong but I'm trying to get her to mature to the standpont that people(even her mom)are incapable of knowing how you feel and that it's unfair to expect someone(even your mom)to read your mind. Now my wife is another story--WTFO??? She should know that her daughter needs her. She's not giving a whole lot right now and she expects my D to initiate contact? She is going to be really lost when and if we move as I spoke to daughter's C and she said that kids at this age will not call and will become more and more reluctant to take any sort of action as time progresses. She said if we did reconcile then there will still be some resentment for a while.

WOW--look at me, I'm going crazy. Not only do I have to deal with my own emotions, I'm caught in the middle of all these crazy WAW and teenage daughter emotions. ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

[AFWAW]

Crap, I started thinking again today. Took D to putt-putt and movie and halfway through the movie starting thinking about the sitch. Great she just called. She started talking about the fact that I might get orders and that she didn't want to move. I asked why not? She said she just didn't and she didn't want to remove the joint spouse code as she didn't want the assignment people to think she wanted orders. I said well what do you want to do? She said I just want to stay here. Ok, I pursued at this point and said what's the deal? She said, why don't you go out on a couple of dates and see how you feel? I said, no I don't want to go out on dates--I'm married and have chosen who I want to be with. She said well I appreciate that but I don't know if I feel the same way. I said, are you dating? She said no. I said, what's with the flip-flopping? She said I don't know, I just don't want to come back again. I said, well, I don't understand as it seems like you have a good time every time we're together. She said I don't want to talk about it. Ok, fine. Is D there? Yep, hold on.

OH, fiddlely dee. WTF???? Back and forth, up and down, round and round.

Why, oh why is she doing this? Why can't she make up her freaking mind? Does she really think I'm going to stay here if she can't make up her mind? This is going to get ugly I think. I guess I'm back at square one. Wow, great weekend.

[AFWAW]

Ok, something had to have happened. What is it? Another guy who came back into the picture? Ridicule/support from girlfriend who just got divorced?--you know, shame on you for throwing out that you're thinking about moving home--he'll walk all over you. Hormones?

I predict I'll have to be the one to file eventually. I don't want to but I have a feeling it will come down to it to keep my sanity. I love her and miss her very much but this is getting difficult to process and handle. I would really like to know what she is feeling and where and who she is getting cues from.

[PortlandDad]

AF: I've been where you are right now. I also thought that I'd be the one to file because I couldn't take the roller-coaster any more. Listen, most of what is going on right now is inside your head. The constant worrying and wondering and imagining the worst case scenario and such... that is all preventing you from detaching. It sucks to have to deal with it, but that really is your only chance for any normalcy. All I can tell you is that it does get easier to deal with, but it is never easy.