My Story -- Advice for a Left Behind Spouse

[Kenn]

[I just read through your thread. It is amazing how similar we all are in some ways.

Want to play a game... Keep a score board on your fridge. Read through other peoples threads to get help on advice (coach's for example). Everytime you see that statement (your quote) give a tic mark to the score card. It will amaze and...I have never hurt for so many strangers as the first week I read through these threads!

I am with you clueless I am not making light of your/our situation. It is just amazing how similar this stuff is. It always reminds me of why everyone who says they have seen an alien draws the same picture. I don't believe in aliens but they always draw the same picture LOL! It is somewhere in the subconcious WOW! And so is this stuff. Once the decision is made the mind starts to cope.

Really I don't mean to make light of our situations. Sometimes my humor hides a lot of pain.

Don't know your financial situation but there are a lot of books out there that can explain some of this out. And there are people on these boards that have much experience that you will gather if you surf through. As a matter of fact there is a post about books that are recomended.

One that comes to mind right now is Tough Love by James Dobson. It popped into my mind when I read about how your wife said you will be better off without her. This is explained out as a release of guilt. She suffers guilt for her action and subconciously trying to cope with it. By thinking you are better off without her she is actually doing you a favor and justifying her decsion. DON'T share that with her!! But I am a very detail guy and reading up on this stuff has helped me to cope and understand better.

With my wife I know that I hurt her and she was unhappy. I also know she made a lot of mistakes also. So I don't use the psyco stuff to rationalize that I really wasn't that bad or hide our problems but it has helped me forgive some of the ugly things she said and understand once the decision to leave me was made. Things like how she can say I emotionally abused her for 10 years when for those same 10 years all I heard was what a great husband I was from her friends (including the enabler she is with now LOL)

I'll find that thread but two books (obviously other than DR) that have helped me are
Tough Love, His Needs/Her Needs, Getting Back Together (first half of book is about getting yourself through this crisis)

Thanks for checking out my thread and I am hoping the best for you! Make sure you surf through the other people's threads and even if they sound crazy try it. These people are talking from experience.