I gotta get a therapist. I made the decision not to talk about relationship stuff with friends and family anymore. But I have this anger and sadness growing to the point where I feel like I'm just walking pain.
Like everyone one else here, sorry you are goin gthrough this. I am so glad I got a therapist. It gives me someone to really let the anger out with and not hae it come back to haunt my wife or daughter.
CL, this is definitely the most painful moment of life bar none and the kids are always the ones who suffer the most. This is why you need to focusing on them right now to the exclusion of your W. It is impossible not to think about the pain that you are going through, of course, but by channeling your focus and attention on the kids, it helps you detach a little better from your own sitch.
Yeah. Although my kids are too young to really be feeling any impact now. I have a S2 and D4. It's not now that I worry about them. It is down the road. Chances are they won't ever remember a time when they lived in a house with Mommy and Daddy. They'll never know a Christmas morning running into Mom and Dad's room. Every birthday they'll wake up with one or the other. And at their weddings it will be awkward. Just every moment of their lives will be scarred by this.
Like everyone one else here, sorry you are goin gthrough this. I am so glad I got a therapist. It gives me someone to really let the anger out with and not hae it come back to haunt my wife or daughter.
Thanks Kenn. I just read through your thread. It is amazing how similar we all are in some ways.
[I just read through your thread. It is amazing how similar we all are in some ways.
Want to play a game... Keep a score board on your fridge. Read through other peoples threads to get help on advice (coach's for example). Everytime you see that statement (your quote) give a tic mark to the score card. It will amaze and...I have never hurt for so many strangers as the first week I read through these threads!
I am with you clueless I am not making light of your/our situation. It is just amazing how similar this stuff is. It always reminds me of why everyone who says they have seen an alien draws the same picture. I don't believe in aliens but they always draw the same picture LOL! It is somewhere in the subconcious WOW! And so is this stuff. Once the decision is made the mind starts to cope.
Really I don't mean to make light of our situations. Sometimes my humor hides a lot of pain.
Don't know your financial situation but there are a lot of books out there that can explain some of this out. And there are people on these boards that have much experience that you will gather if you surf through. As a matter of fact there is a post about books that are recomended.
One that comes to mind right now is Tough Love by James Dobson. It popped into my mind when I read about how your wife said you will be better off without her. This is explained out as a release of guilt. She suffers guilt for her action and subconciously trying to cope with it. By thinking you are better off without her she is actually doing you a favor and justifying her decsion. DON'T share that with her!! But I am a very detail guy and reading up on this stuff has helped me to cope and understand better.
With my wife I know that I hurt her and she was unhappy. I also know she made a lot of mistakes also. So I don't use the psyco stuff to rationalize that I really wasn't that bad or hide our problems but it has helped me forgive some of the ugly things she said and understand once the decision to leave me was made. Things like how she can say I emotionally abused her for 10 years when for those same 10 years all I heard was what a great husband I was from her friends (including the enabler she is with now LOL)
I'll find that thread but two books (obviously other than DR) that have helped me are Tough Love, His Needs/Her Needs, Getting Back Together (first half of book is about getting yourself through this crisis)
Thanks for checking out my thread and I am hoping the best for you! Make sure you surf through the other people's threads and even if they sound crazy try it. These people are talking from experience.
Oh and my experience, consult with a lawyer but think about it before you let your wife know.
My wife took this a huge threat and was one of the things that intially pushed her away from me, even more so that the three realtionship arguments that we had. She probably distanced herself from me more after that than at any other time.
I think this will work for you. The thread is in the newcomers section and is called "Getting Past No"
You know, it's interesting Kenn. I'm a salesperson. I read Getting Past No and Getting to Yes years ago. I think I operate with those principals instinctively in my job. Maybe I need to re-read those books with my relationship in mind. Thanks for the thought.
Remember it's not all our fault. It just so happens that because we feel like we lost something we seek out and reflect what went wrong. We find it because we are looking for it.
story of our life.... like I said on my thread, I am a book freak but in 16 years of marriage never read one book on relationships or marriage..... WOW????????????
So I have a big milestone coming up next weekend. My wife and I are spending the weekend cleaning, painting, and preparing our house to go on the market. We are going to be listing it approximately 10% below where we bought it just two years ago. Realistically to sell it in this market will mean losing our life savings. Quite literally we will walk out of this with next to no money. We will lose 10 years worth of scrimping and saving. Not to mention we will be leaving behind a dream house at the end of a cul-de-sac in a great school district. This is the house I planned to die in. I thought we were in it for the next 40-50 years.
Anyway, I imagine I have to go guns ablazing at selling the house right? If I drag my feet that will anger my wife. I need to accept that my life's work (from a financial perspective) is gone and just move on right?
Why do you have to sell? If you will lose money couldn't she just walk away and you keep the house. Don't mean to offend, this is a lousy time for people, just curious.
Until we dicided to move we had set the settlement up that when the house sold we would split the equity and prior to that the person outside the house would split all maintenance and taxes. Our plan was to hold on to the house for a few years until the market came back
I am not making light of your/our situation. It is just amazing how similar this stuff is. It always reminds me of why everyone who says they have seen an alien draws the same picture. I don't believe in aliens but they always draw the same picture LOL! It is somewhere in the subconcious WOW! And so is this stuff. Once the decision is made the mind starts to cope.