I agree with DQ completely in that you've been having the equivalent of an Emotional Affair (EA), and that it's important to acknowledge that to both yourself and your H. At the same time, it is just as important to understand and begin to address the reasons WHY you were drawn to such a website. One thing from the article that DQ posted for you is absolutely key:
It's equally important to explore whether your marriage is significantly lacking. Although no marriage is perfect, sometimes people feel so unhappy, they look to others for a stronger emotional or physical connection. They complain of feeling taken for granted, unloved, resentful, or ignored. Sometimes there is a lack of intimacy or sexuality in the marriage.
If unhappiness with your spouse contributed to your decision to have an affair, you need to address your feelings openly and honestly so that together you can make some changes. If open communication is a problem, consider seeking help from a qualified marital therapist.....
Very obviously, someting IMPORTANT has been missing in your relationship with your husband, a void that the cybersex chat rooms helped to fill. They made you feel sexy and desireable as a -woman- again for the first time in -years-, in your words. It is VITAL that you explain this to your husband, as much as it may hurt him, and then give him the chance to begin rectifying the situation. He has to understand that --> HE <-- contributed at least 50% to the problem, and that if he wants to repair the marriage, he's going to have to change things about himself -- and not just point the finger of blame at you. It will take time, it will take work with your counselors, but it -can- be done.
You also need to recognize that your husband begins the process of repairing your marriage with a HUGE handicap against him: the fact that you are feeling -numb- towards him and the R is a good indicator that there are YEARS of unfulfilled needs / desires, anger, resetntment, and perhaps even bitterness towards him on your part. He failed to be the man and husband that you wanted and needed, and your negative feelings towards him have piled up inside of you over time until now you feel....nothing...numb. Even if he were to begin doing everything perfectly right today, your relationship with him has so much -baggage- that you wouldn't be able to recognize it or really appreciate it, at least not immediate: it will probably take months to sort through that baggage and to start feeling something towards him again.
BUT, HE DESERVES THAT CHANCE.
Perhaps you brought up issues and complaints with him over the years and he failed to listen. Perhaps you kept it all to yourself and simply let the resentment build up. Either way, rather than addressing the issue directly and seriously with him, "Our marriage is broken, and we need to fix it or else we won't HAVE a marriage any more", you took the -coward's- route and cyber-cheated on him, and sought to have your emotional/sexual needs met by anonymous men with whom you have no resentments or emotional baggage (men who were 'clean slates' that you could fantasize into whatever you wanted them to be).
Yes, your husband is angry and hurt right now, but he has also indicated that HE IS WILLING TO WORK HARD WITH YOU to fix the relationship, go to counseling, read books, do exercises, and make changes. That is a -huge- positive step on his part, and one that many folks here on this board literally yearn for from their own spouses -- who are stuck and won't do anything.
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT, WHILE YOU CAN.
Finally, there are antidepressants and dosage levels available that -don't- turn you into a happy zombie, and you need to INSIST that you won't allow that to happen to you again. Don't do it just to make other people happy. You DO deserve a fulfulling life and a happy, fulfilling relatioship / marriage, and if that is going to happen with your husband, it will requires some very serious introspection, significant changes, and hard work over many months, on BOTH OF YOUR PARTS, to achieve that.
There are NO shortcuts or quick fixes, but it CAN be done. Read my threads and history if you doubt that.
-- Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
