Up early this morning. Although I seem to be up early every morning since this started. I'm trying to avoid feeling bad for myself. It just reall hit me when I woke up that I really haven't caught a break in years. I've kept grinding though.
My back is really a problem now. It went out on me a few days ago and now it is sore and tender. Alone with two young kids I'm afraid it is going to go out on me at some point. I want to get to the gym, but I can't work out until my back heals a bit more.
I'm worried/guilty over the kids. I went to a lawyer last night. She was good and I think I am going to work with her. She was pretty adamant that my wife has herself another man. I think I knew that, but it hurts every time there is more confirmation. But the thing she said that killed me was after I said somethig along the lines of how my wife was really damaging herself by doing this and that she was the one who was going to be hurt the most. She said, "don't kid yourself. This is going to be more hurtful to your kids than to anyone." I just can't accept the damage this is going to do to them. I love them so much. I can't imagine ripping their little worlds apart this way. I feel so sad and the sadness is turning into anger at my wife for doing this. Leaving aside us, that she is doing this to our kids.
I gotta get a therapist. I made the decision not to talk about relationship stuff with friends and family anymore. But I have this anger and sadness growing to the point where I feel like I'm just walking pain.
