things might be getting better...

[Esky94]

Gosh so much has happened recently. I blew it with the stage one stuff and we're back to square one. W thinks I'm nothing but a source of pain and pressure. Doh. I am, on the other hand becoming more sensitive to W and other people's body language.

But I have some new information now. This is how I blew it. If we go to a family church conference and the speaker is talking about how to communicate in a marriage and she rejects it in anger, then there's not much I can do. If W claims to have a faith and gets taught from that faith from the Bible and reacts negatively, then what can I do? She's not interested and that's the baseline. My mistake was reminding her about the talk. Oh well.

Tonight I called W up to follow up on a call yesterday about replacing the hot water system for one of our investment properties. Interestingly, because I had already started collecting information about the situation, the quotes from the plumber and the replacement options, I called W in a very "solid leadership" kind of mood. And fortunately, she responded and stayed engaged with the discussion in a positive tone. Even though the house isn't in her name, I think I made W feel involved. We discussed a few more details to track down and I said I would find out. I couldn't get hold of her later Friday afternoon so I had to make a decision and left a message to that effect.

Today, I called up in the evening.

She asked how I was. I was honest and said, "exhausted". I knew that was okay because I had the kids and she knows we both know it's not easy.

I asked if W had received the message. She had and she thanked me for it. Since the decision had been made, I did not talk any more about it. There was no need to consult her, I think that would have appeared weak for me.

She asked about the girls. I said they're good and in the shower. Plain and factual. I said I had to reprimand D3 for playing gymnastics on the towel rack. W giggled a bit in a knowing way. I then went on to say D3 was swinging her arms in frustration after I told her to stop and smacked her hand against the toilet seat and cried. I could literally feel the conversation turn cold because she didn't say anything. I don't know what W was thinking, but I wonder if some anger or judgment was being withheld in the conversation.

I kept going and added that the girls were wondering what CPR was while watching a cartoon and I said mom would tell them after her First Aid course. Mom could tell them that evening. W sounded puzzled. "Huh?" I reminded her gently that I needed to get to work early on Monday and she was taking the girls on Sunday night. She said, "Oh yes. I forgot.". I said calmly, "That's okay". And she quickly got off the phone.

I wonder if I should have used that to poke a bit of fun at her. I'm too nice sometimes. I think it weirds people out. Her especially. She might think I'm holding back all kinds of horrible thoughts and being "dishonest". Heck, I'm just a nice Canadian fella who got raised to not say bad things to people. Gotta stop that.

I went to a Communication and Conflict Resolution course a week ago and kept in contact with one woman on the course. One thing I liked about the course is learning that good communication makes us feel good. I had forgotten that somewhere along the way in life. We hit it off really well and have kept in touch quite a bit. She's a single mom and left her physically abusive husband. The one thing I've learned is that although her complaints are totally understandable from her point of view, there's only so much whinging about her ex and pining for her kids I can put up with. Arg! After a while, I need to say or do something to snap her out of it and make her laugh or just somehow remind her that she's a woman and I'm a man. Yes...I'm flirting pretty outrageously. I'm finally practicing what I've learned and the important thing is observing how she responds to me.

Actually, this is going to sound a bit harsh, but I've had an epiphany. The only rule a man needs to know about handling a woman is that she has to respond to him positively, or else, why bother. This is a skill. Part of my GAL is to master that skill, and when it's pretty rock solid, re-direct it towards my W. Otherwise, she'll just stay in mother-mode and we'll be history.