Mindblank #3 - Dumb, Dumb, Dumb....

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Friday night H and I went to a fundraiser for the kids' school (s). I put extra effort into my appearance (had lost some weight, was newly highlighted - BLONDER, had a great new haircut, SUPERB new dress, great new shoes, etc...). Well, I get ready, and the only thing H says is, "Wow, you can certainly spot you in that dress." (The dress was a bold print.)

First I will say, that many men are not good at giving the compliments we are looking for. My h is def one of them. That comment doesn't necessarily mean what you think. It could be a great compliment. Or it wasn't because he hates the dress-it's not his style
We go to the event and one of my best friends, says... "Gee, H, doesn't your wife's dress look great on her?" (Now, she knows the sitch, a little bit... but was not fishing for a compliment for me... not at all.) H says, "That's a dress? I thought it was a blouse and skirt." That's all. Nothing else. Etc... I talk for a minute, completely not paying attention because I'm hurt, and excuse myself and go to the women's room in tears.
again, this is not a bad comment, but you were looking for him to make a good comment. you have to keep expectations at zero. I know this is hard, and this is hard for me. but, this right here is the reason for the whole night. Your H most likely see's your emotion, and immediately he's annoyed. This also happened to me. When this happens it's a huge burden on him, and he doesn't know what the heck he did wrong. He doesn't understand the need for us to be validated as hot women. Even supermodels need to be validated. well, most probably. lol
I come out, make some sorry excuse for where I went (only gone 2 min), and we carry on... After dinner, while at the table, one of the student's who is working the event, comes and asks me about some pricing on the wine auction (I handled that.) I get up and go help him with the pricing, and it takes a little while. I then go to the restroom, and head back through the main area where the auction is, to get to our table. H is TICKED that I took so long, and makes a few sarcastic comments. (Odd, because he has just as many friends there, is sitting with my best friends H, etc...) this comment makes me wonder if one of his top 5 LLs is quality time. or he just felt uncomfortable, or was only there for you. I apologize to him, and tell him what I needed to take care of. In the meantime, he really wasn't going to let it go. I tear up again, and excuse myself. I head out the front door, to my car, and txt him, requesting him to come out and talk to me for a minute so I can explain (briefly) why I had to escape for a minute.

He comes out, won't get in the car, stands outside my window and says there is nothing to talk about. He gets in his car (drove separate since I had to go early), and leaves. I follow him for a few minutes but decide to go home.

I go against everything I've learned in the past four months, and txt and call him until he replies. He, for the most part, is blaming me for being too emotional, and can't believe this started because he didn't know a dress from a skirt/blouse. BULLS*IT. He knows what the problem was, and wouldn't admit he just wouldn't pay me a compliment. He tells me that things have been more tolerable over the past four months, but nothing has changed. He doesn't want to be married to me, is not in love with me, etc... He says he will just kill himself, as he doesn't want the boys growing up going between our homes, having issues with holidays, etc... He starts by telling me he's already purchased a gun, then back-pedals and says, well, he's paid for it, and is picking it up, then back-pedals again and says, he is going to get it in a few weeks to months, etc... He has been working to put our financial stuff in order so I won't have any problems. I call him a coward and as*hole. Tell him he doesn't have the balls to try and make this work, would rather sit around miserable and stupid. I have seen his interest in the past four months, have felt his desire to be with us, and have seen his satisfaction being home and in our lives. He's a lying coward, and won't put the work in to make "US" work... would rather be a miserable f*ck. I ask him to please admit if he's found someone else, as it would be much easier to deal with than his cold, highly erected WALL he's put up, etc.. He claims there is no one; if there was, he wouldn't rather be dead.

Do not take this personally. He is depressed because of himself. You are not the one to make him happy, that is his job. If he or you is looking for the other to make you happy, then you will always be disappointed.
Nice, huh?

Today, I sent him a txt that said:

I'm really sorry for Friday night. It was the result of four months of suppressed emotions, and trying hard not to pressure you. I hope you understand a little. I won't bring it up again. I'll just keep trying to improve upon myself, and hopefully you'll want to be with me again.

No reply. But I don't expect one. And, I won't bring it up again.

How's that for awful?

the text wasn't so awful (now the txting and calling till he replied was aweful. lol don't do that again. but this last text was all good until "hopefully you'll want to be with me again." That is the reason he did not respond. Next time just tell him that this has been very difficult and just as he needs you to understand him, and to give him space, you need him to understand you and to give you compassion.