Okay, now it's nearly 4 a.m.

Just couldn't get to sleep until I journalled a thought that came up.

Now bear in mind the time and the fact that I'm a little fuzzy...


I’ve been pondering the issue of forgiveness. I know that it is not an “all at once” experience for me. Something Dr. Phil says over and over on his shows about Infidelity, and that is that it is very hard to forgive and move on until the hurt partner KNOWS that their spouse GETS what they put you through.

I know that the very same is true of US getting the stuff that our S’s have been aggrieved about for years. To THEIR satisfaction…true validation and ownership, sincere apologies. I feel I have done this when the subject of my former control (and current slip-ups) sarcasm, hurtful words and deeds has arisen. I have validated and cried in shame and remorse.

This particular issue came up the other day and has been reinforced for me by TV programs about people having to pack up, sell their house, and move.

CJ commented that it would be a nightmare to pack up and organize all of our 10 year accumulation. I agreed with him, made comments about our books alone…

What caught me inside, at that moment, was the stab of terror that I felt when CJ was ready to hop on a plane, leave this place and our three cats and me forever and somehow let the lawyers and ME figure it all out!!!

I was barely functional, still ill with kidney problems, awaiting news on further surgery.

Does he have any real grasp on HOW that possibility made me feel? Panicked, shocked, overwhelmed, gut-wrenching (looking at the painting BIL did for our wedding, our initials in a heart hidden on a tree)….AGONY, FEAR.

Is there ANY point to sharing this? It seems to me that if I WERE to share it (I'd craft an e-mail as that has been working well with us) and CJ was to validate how terrifying that must have been and apologize….I could probably say those words…”I Forgive you”.

Is this, perhaps how it needs to go? Not all at once, but as it comes up for me?

Will this drag CJ down, or can this move BOTH of us further into a more intimate and mature M?


Feedback please!

Shiny