Ok..I totally get what you are saying..but for some reason.. I am not able to come to the remorse part.. Maybe it is too early.. its not that i feel i had "reason" to do it.. I just dont feel remorseful for my actions other than that it hurt him..i know it makes no sense. b/c it makes none to me.. this is still VERY early on and Im still trying to come to grips w/ not being able to go back there..and we have been very honest in recent discussions..i told him that i have deleted the account and havent been on in a couple of days,, but i still think about it daily and want to go back.. He cant understand it and feels betrayed all over again.. but Im trying to tell him how this has Taken hold of me in some way that I cant explain..so do I be honest about how its affecting me?.. b/c it hurts him when I am..Im unable to get past how I feel to even begin to feel his feelings.. I totally understand the dynamic of it all.. in my rational responsible mind.. and if tables were turned I would probably feel the same..but this has struck something in me that I have NEVER had happen.. i feel out of control w/ it and I have always been in control... never felt unsure of myself.. its very frightening.. We have had some in depth discussions the past few nights.. but I feel that he wants answers from me that I dont have right now.. I told him that going on there relieved whatever lonliness i had.. and it did make me feel like a woman again.. even though it was shallow and false.. just for a few minutes I felt like an actual sexual being again.. which i had not felt in YEARS..I try to tell this to him...and he struggles to understand it..as do I most days..
I am glad i have found this site.. i know i will get alot of good feedback.. from both sides..
We are in counseling.. have been for a month, when we couldnt come to an agreement over the site issue..I dont know if its helping.. i guess it keeps us talking about stuff at least..does marraige counsleing work? We are both in individual counseling also..that has been helpful to me... not sure if he feels his has been helpful..
My biggest issue for myself right now is that it has scared me to death to think I was and am attracted to other men... I am unable to say for sure that I do want to commit to working things out..Im unable to say anything for sure.. other than that I am extrememly unhappy... So he wants me "onboard" and ready to fix things.. and i am struggling w/ my day to day existance.. We are both wondering if i need to go back on the antidepressant, but I really dont want to.. it changed who I was..in several ways.. and i dont want to ignore unhappiness just to get along better..counselor has me seeing shrink in 2 weeks to discuss this.. but it scares me to think of returning to those..it numbs me out to everything...and everything is "OK".. I wont have the drive to return to school.. i wont have the urge to do anything for myself,, not even hair and makeup!!But everybody else will be happy.. Thanks for you advice.. looking forward to more feedback H.
