She doesn't love me anymore

[xalelle]

Duly, I have posted on your other thread, but I see so much positive here I want to point it out for you!

Yesterday morning, I told my wife that wanted to keep this marriage and family intact. I told her I wanted a relationship with her girls. My wife said, "You could start by loving my girls." I told her that I was finding a therapist and I wasn't giving up.

She would not say you could start with her girls if she didnt see a chance - really, your W is way closer than many WAWs! And think about this - if she was really convinced that you were going to be apart, why would she be encouraging a relationship between you and her girls! Come on man, see this positive and STOP TELLING HER WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO! Just do it. W has opened the door wide for you - walk through!

Afterward, my wife commented that it was a good night, and she iterated that the dinner was for the kids because they have been wanting to go out. My selfish side was let down (I know, it's all about me) because I was hoping that at least in part it was a new begining for the family, and perhaps it was that too... sort of a goodwill gesture to say, okay... you want this family, here's the kick-off event.

You must learn to accept the positives, and stop expecting what you want! Be happy she was happy about the dinner! If she is happy with you, even if she says it is because of the kids, it is a positive experience with you involved, and that WILL leave its mark!

We talked a bit more about what I said after dinner and how picky I had become with keeping the house pristine (another distance causing obsession early in the marriage). I told her that it was silly to be so picky about a house, when in the grand scheme of things, we were now perhaps going to sell it. Some things are just more important than others...

Ok, you have said it, now stop. really stop! You cannot tell her how you are going to change, she wont buy it. just do it! And STOP opening bad doors with comments like "we were now perhaps going to sell it". WAS have a habit of walking through bad doors you open, even when they are open to recovery.

My wife commented that she was very surprised to see the things I had done that evening. She said that she had built a wall to protect herself and it was going to take baby steps to bring it down. I am hearing clearly (did I say that?) that it is not necessarily over, but we have miles to go before we sleep.

Score man! right up until you ask what it means. DONT ASK, its pushing, and will push her away, and make her reconsider what she has said. If she says it, and you dont question it, it will settle into her mind as her decision. if you question or push, it will get negative attached to it and fall away.

Incidently, when we got home, my wife asked if I had made a therapist appointment. I thought this interesting, as she is seeing if I am following up and what I say.

Dont try to read something into everything, but she is interested in you. Leave it at that. and when you get the appointment, dont tell her about it "see what I am doing for you". Just go, and if she asks you can tell her.

This morning we said our good-byes, but hugging her bye was uncomfortable. She's not into it... and I know it's crazy to believe that one night can make all the difference, the situation still saddens me.

Remember this is a long haul, you are trying to change your life! It will have ups and downs.

I think you should back off on the hugging a bit. You may be surprised to find her pulling you in soon if you give her the space to be the initiator.

I just had to ask if there were any outside circumstances that would prevent us from getting back together. I think you know what I was asking... and perhaps I shouldn't have asked, but it was something that was bugging me.

I wont beat you up for this, because we all want to ask things like this, but make this your last slip in this regard. Asked, answered, drop it. Learn from DB/DR what pursuit is and stop it. Man, I know it is hard I KNOW! Even in my current sitch I want to ask this same question over and over. The truth is, it dosnt matter, because even if there was an outside influence, your path is the same - work on yourself! And from experience, knowing does not help. It hurts, and makes it even harder to do what you have to do.

She laughed and said, "Of course not." And I asked what was stopping us (I know... too many questions, too much pressure) and she said, "Just that I'm not in love with you right now." I asked how I should respond to seeing baby step progress, and she replied that I shouldn't. She told me to work on me and she would work on what she needs to work on.

She has all but told you that she has not completely closed herself to a future of being in love with you! Stop obsessing on her every word and get to work!

"I'm not in love with you." remained in my head... as I'm so afraid that it will forever remain in her heart.

EVERY WAS says this, and for many/most, they even believe it. And many return to their M's feeling more in love then ever. Just stop focusing on that point, leave it alone. They are just words. See the actions. And keep working on yourself and your R with the girls. You have so much going for you, if you can just learn the lessons of rebuilding yourself, things will get better!