you guys are still newlyweds. how many times have you guys been married? i was just thinking that if she has fallen out of "love" so quickly, she may be like lots of people who lose interest once the infatuation phase is over.
and that is not good. it means that they mistakenly think that true love is neverending butterflies. you may be better off without her if that is the case.
also, it would help if you could put some basic info about your sitch in your signature line.
Yes... Newlyweds. She has been married twice before. The last on was for 9 years. The first for only a couple. They last one was a drugging, ho'ing, abusive sort. Funny, she was telling me that the infatuation phase won't last forever... That we will settle into a deeper, committed sort of love. She told me I was the love of her life. In our six and a half months of marriage, we have had difficulties in blending families and adjusting to living together. I think she has no tolerance left from previous relationships. I think we should give it more time, but she says who am I to determine how long these things take...
Duly, I have posted on your other thread, but I see so much positive here I want to point it out for you!
Originally Posted By: Duly Noted
Yesterday morning, I told my wife that wanted to keep this marriage and family intact. I told her I wanted a relationship with her girls. My wife said, "You could start by loving my girls." I told her that I was finding a therapist and I wasn't giving up.
She would not say you could start with her girls if she didnt see a chance - really, your W is way closer than many WAWs! And think about this - if she was really convinced that you were going to be apart, why would she be encouraging a relationship between you and her girls! Come on man, see this positive and STOP TELLING HER WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO! Just do it. W has opened the door wide for you - walk through!
Originally Posted By: Duly Noted
Afterward, my wife commented that it was a good night, and she iterated that the dinner was for the kids because they have been wanting to go out. My selfish side was let down (I know, it's all about me) because I was hoping that at least in part it was a new begining for the family, and perhaps it was that too... sort of a goodwill gesture to say, okay... you want this family, here's the kick-off event.
You must learn to accept the positives, and stop expecting what you want! Be happy she was happy about the dinner! If she is happy with you, even if she says it is because of the kids, it is a positive experience with you involved, and that WILL leave its mark!
Originally Posted By: Duly Noted
We talked a bit more about what I said after dinner and how picky I had become with keeping the house pristine (another distance causing obsession early in the marriage). I told her that it was silly to be so picky about a house, when in the grand scheme of things, we were now perhaps going to sell it. Some things are just more important than others...
Ok, you have said it, now stop. really stop! You cannot tell her how you are going to change, she wont buy it. just do it! And STOP opening bad doors with comments like "we were now perhaps going to sell it". WAS have a habit of walking through bad doors you open, even when they are open to recovery.
Originally Posted By: Duly Noted
My wife commented that she was very surprised to see the things I had done that evening. She said that she had built a wall to protect herself and it was going to take baby steps to bring it down. I am hearing clearly (did I say that?) that it is not necessarily over, but we have miles to go before we sleep.
Score man! right up until you ask what it means. DONT ASK, its pushing, and will push her away, and make her reconsider what she has said. If she says it, and you dont question it, it will settle into her mind as her decision. if you question or push, it will get negative attached to it and fall away.
Originally Posted By: Duly Noted
Incidently, when we got home, my wife asked if I had made a therapist appointment. I thought this interesting, as she is seeing if I am following up and what I say.
Dont try to read something into everything, but she is interested in you. Leave it at that. and when you get the appointment, dont tell her about it "see what I am doing for you". Just go, and if she asks you can tell her.
Originally Posted By: Duly Noted
This morning we said our good-byes, but hugging her bye was uncomfortable. She's not into it... and I know it's crazy to believe that one night can make all the difference, the situation still saddens me.
Remember this is a long haul, you are trying to change your life! It will have ups and downs.
I think you should back off on the hugging a bit. You may be surprised to find her pulling you in soon if you give her the space to be the initiator.
Originally Posted By: Duly Noted
I just had to ask if there were any outside circumstances that would prevent us from getting back together. I think you know what I was asking... and perhaps I shouldn't have asked, but it was something that was bugging me.
I wont beat you up for this, because we all want to ask things like this, but make this your last slip in this regard. Asked, answered, drop it. Learn from DB/DR what pursuit is and stop it. Man, I know it is hard I KNOW! Even in my current sitch I want to ask this same question over and over. The truth is, it dosnt matter, because even if there was an outside influence, your path is the same - work on yourself! And from experience, knowing does not help. It hurts, and makes it even harder to do what you have to do.
Originally Posted By: Duly Noted
She laughed and said, "Of course not." And I asked what was stopping us (I know... too many questions, too much pressure) and she said, "Just that I'm not in love with you right now." I asked how I should respond to seeing baby step progress, and she replied that I shouldn't. She told me to work on me and she would work on what she needs to work on.
She has all but told you that she has not completely closed herself to a future of being in love with you! Stop obsessing on her every word and get to work!
Originally Posted By: Duly Noted
"I'm not in love with you." remained in my head... as I'm so afraid that it will forever remain in her heart.
EVERY WAS says this, and for many/most, they even believe it. And many return to their M's feeling more in love then ever. Just stop focusing on that point, leave it alone. They are just words. See the actions. And keep working on yourself and your R with the girls. You have so much going for you, if you can just learn the lessons of rebuilding yourself, things will get better!
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
Thanks X... That is all positive. I really have to get this obsessive, paranoid, panic attitude under control. When we met, she was the one who was always wondering what I was doing and where I was going. Now I'm way too predictable and I tell her how committed and how in love I am. I guess that does get old if you have to hear it all of the time... Even coming from someone who you are madly in love with!
I hate these psychological ins and outs of WAS and women in general! I'm just a dumb guy... Why can't it be straight forward??
I hate these psychological ins and outs of WAS and women in general! I'm just a dumb guy... Why can't it be straight forward??
Be glad and embrace the differences. View it as a opportunity to learn, make you stronger and grow. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Yes you have to get the obsessive, paranoid, panic attitude under control.
Let me ask you a question, do you really want a chance at getting this fixed? A real chance.
You can't make changes for your wife. Get this through your head, wrap you head around this idea and think about it for a bit. You can't change for her. It won't be real, it will be fake, it won't last and you will end up at the same place again because you weren't authentic.
Stop doing things to please her.
Stop feeling sad & stop crying around her. You asked previously why? It's simple & logical, you just have to open your eyes to it. Your wife is planning to leave this relationship or at least she's been thinking about it, this isn't an overnight decision, you've been acting in a specific way that she has lost attraction for you. Hence, the "i don't love you anymore", or the infamous, "I love you but I'm not in love with you", or how about the "I don't think I could ever be in a relationship with you again".
You have done things that made her lose respect for you. Probably reasons, you have no self-respect. You probably have low self-esteem, you probably appear very weak & insecure in her eyes, what's attractive about that? Plus you cry in front of her and try to get her to change her mind, that's attractive, I'm sure she wants to be physically intimate with you after hearing that.
Women don't want to hear that you love them and can't live without them.
They don't want you to be afraid of them, cower in fear and grovel for affection. Women do not respect men who act like that. In fact women usually become very mean & cruel to men who act like that, alot of people mention "script" on this site, you can "script" that behavior, it will happen if you continue crying & grovelling for affection.
You hate the psychological in's & out's of WAS and women in general.... tough, that's women, can't do much about it.
It's instinctual, it's subconscious in nature, they continue to test men.
Reason being they have to be sure that they're with someone strong, it's a survival instinct, don't ask her about it, she can't define it either but it is there.
It's quite possible that on some level, women are insecure and want the man in their life to project strength, security, confidence, leadership, assurance, etc. They test the men they're with to see if they're strong enough to take care of them (again it's a subconscious thing). This continuous testing unfortunately leads many a normal man to become insecure himself. Most men don't understand it why the sexual polarity in a relationship changes: men start acting more like women, and women start acting more like men.
Take into account one thing, when women enter their 30's (sexual prime) & 40s, they have more testosterone being produced in their systems than in their early 20s (which incidentally is a man's sexual prime). This extra testosterone is responsible for more aggressive behavior, the need to seek out other potential mates for breeding purposes (sex). Don't be surprised if your wife starts going to the gym, losing weight, tans, buys new clothes, starts hanging out with new friends, stays out late, etc. etc. etc. The term cougar refers to a woman on the prowl... hmmm... wonder why it refers to an older woman?
You originally exhibited behaviors which were attractive to her. That's how you guys hooked up to begin with. But later you began to exhibit behaviors that weren't attractive, she lost attraction for you and started keeping a mental scorecard of all the crap that you do that she doesn't like, so this downward swing in your relationship although being manifested recently in her telling you she doesn't love you or isn't in love with you anymore, truthfully she's probably been unhappy for quite some time: possibly months or years.
If I read your thread correctly, this is her 3rd marriage. That's unfortunate, she has established a pattern of thinking in her life where it's easy for to discard things in her life. It's easy for her to find new things to amuse her (ie. new men)
You've just become disposable. Feels great doesn't it?!
Before you run for the tissues, hold for a second.
You can stop this or at the very least, you can become a real man for yourself first and her second.
Are you willing to make the kind of changes that would possibly result in your wife being attracted to you again?
Answer back & let me know.
Few things though that you need to start doing:
1. Stop crying in front of her, the sooner you stop this, the better you will be 2. Don't buy her gifts to win her back, no flowers, no perfumes, no nothing... buying her gifts registers as manipulation and her radar knows it and actually is expecting it. When you buy presents for someone to like & love you, you relay the message that you're not good enough on your own and need to buy her stuff for her to ever consider being with you. It's manipulation plain & simple so stop it (be honest, have you already tried to do this/) 3. Get a Life!!! Seriously, get out of the house more, go to a gym, start pumping some heavy iron, exercising regularly will increase the natural testosterone production in your body: you will feel better about yourself and life in general. You will feel more confident & alive, plus devoting personal time for yourself & no one else shows that you respect yourself & value yourself and that you have a healthy self-esteem. Reading your posts thus far, you have very little of any of these things. How can you expect her to love & respect you if you don't love & respect yourself? Seriously, think about it. 4. Start hanging out with friends again, get out and have fun with them. If you need to talk to someone and let out the crap misery building up inside of you, don't do it with your wife, she doesn't want to hear it and she'll despise you for it even further. You'll appear to be an insecure wimp to her and solidify the decision that you weren't good enough to have her to begin with. Talk to a friend, not her. 5. Stop calling, emailing, texting her. You can respond to her texts but don't initiate any!!!! I mean it, this is important. Give her a bit of space and it's not for the reason you think. You are pursuing her, in nature we all run from what is chasing us, you are chasing her, she is trying to get away. Push/Pull theory: you are trying to pull her in and she is pushing you away, you've had to have seen this already. Think about it, push/pull. Stop pulling her towards you, stop telling her you love her, you are telling her something that is the opposite of her feelings and she is in love with her feelings and you are saying/doing things that are against those feelings so she pushes you away. Allow some space between the two of you, I guarantee you stop pursuing her and allow some space between the 2 of you, she will fill in the space that you've provided and she will initiate contact with you, talking, etc.
Last point, very important so put a sticky note on your brain:
Fast is Slow in relationship repair.
Slow is Fast in relationship repair.
You didn't get here overnight so don't expect this to be fixed in 2 weeks. It's going to take time and there are still no guarantees, no one can guarantee anything to you so stop doing this relationship CPR, it doesn't work and it's time you got that into your head. No more relationship talk by you either, just focus on you. Any changes you make have to be for you & about you and not for her, because if you do it for her, you communicate to her that you have no value and aren't good enough and I don't think you want to communicate that to her - you've probably done a fair amount of that in other forms already.
Slow is Fast.
Time to wake up and MAN UP!
This is your official kick in the pants wake up call from your fellow friends that have been there & done that. Be wise & learn from our experience or be a fool and learn from your own experience.
Good luck bro, I look forward to hearing more from you & your situation.
robx, Thanks for the kick in the @ss... I don't know how to quote excerpts out of here, so I'll do my best to reference items.
1.) Yes... I want a chance. B ut I'm sure that was a rhetorical question. 2.) Yes. The attraction in the beginning was just as strong as the un-attraction is now. You're right. I've done something, but it wasn't being clingy and needy. This latest bit of information "I'm not in love with you." took place last Saturday, so that means I would have been crying off and on now for almost a week. 3.) Yes... she has lost respect because I was negative, critical, controlling (not necessarily of her, but of situations/things), and I drank too much. 4.) Yes... I've lived through the cruel things women say and do before. Actually because I was acting the same way. Funny, when I have acted like I didn't give a sh!t or at least did my own thing, they were annoyingly all over me. 5.) I understand what you mean about being strong, and I believe what you are saying. She even told me about some of her choices in men before. She was attracted to them because her personality is strong and she tends to run over guys. Those that were strong (i.e. her ex), she was attracted to... Unfortunately, sometimes those sorts are also druggies, alcoholics, ho-pimps, abusive, cheaters. She learned that too. 6.) Yes. In the begining, she was ga ga. I was the most intelligent man she ever met. She raved all over town about me. Her parent were ecstatic and I could make her, let's say excite herself with a short quick-witted text or e-mail. 7.) She has probably been either unhappy or at least questioning the relationship since right before the marriage, as we haven't been married long. 8.) Yes... The disposable notion sucks. That love of her life status isn't all it's cracked up to be. And we were going to be together 40 years! Ha. We can't even make it one!
Few things though that I need to start doing: 1.) I know. After all you've said, that is extremely necessary. 2.) I haven't bought her a thing. 3.) I do go to the gym every day at lunch and pump iron, but even with thatshe has told me that I need a life... Go do stuff, get a hobby, don't sit around the house, quit making her my hobby. Funny, I heard that same thing from another ex. That sucks... I guess I'm not the most fascinating sort, but she doesn't do anything either... but I guess that is a moot point. The important thing is that she sees I'M doing something. 4.) I just e-mailed a buddy to go have a drink with after work. She said something about seeing a friend tonight, and I don't want to sit home. 5.) Believe it or not, I haven't been calling, texting or e-mailing at all. It hurts, but I'm refraining. The only episodes of being (needy?) are in the morning and night when I have done the pleading/hugging thing.
So... robx, Let's say I start "doing my own thing" and the space starts to fill in. How do I respond without flying back like a rubber band? Seems like I was very good in getting the girl, but keeping her was another story. Seems like a recurring theme in my life. I can dazzle them with intelligence, wit, charm and even pretty good sex (or so I'm told), but that all doesn't last, and I find myself in this game at which I'm pretty much the equivalent of the water boy.
