Sorry to burst your bubble but feel the need to say something. I am new here and haven't posted my story yet. Been just reading and will make a post soon. But am going through something with some common things as to your sitch. You are acting out of hurt anger and are wanting revenge. That's the hard thing about one side to a story. But one thing that popped out at me HUGE is that YOU had an affair! YOU broke your wife's heart once upon a time. YOU broke your marriage vows and were weak. Then lol go figure you are out there with a private investigator digging up stuff to use on her. I don't know how you do that with a clear conscience knowing you are guilty of the same. Then going to go off on a tangent about how she MUST just have mental issues to be having an affair and moving on with her life. She could have said the same about you. I am sure she would have said negative things about the woman you decided to put your penis in.
One thing I want to mention is what you did to her I am sure hurt and broke her heart bad. Do two wrongs make a right, no they don't. But what you are doing right now on your quest to rip her child away and tear her to shreds as much as you possibly can is in my opinion very hypocritical. You talk about her metal health well I am sure you contributed to that when you slept with another woman.
That is an awful lot of assuming.
As a matter of fact, I have approached her on multiple occasions to ask her about getting mental help. In fact, a discussion about asking her to make a doctor's appointment and offering to pay for counseling is what precipitated our separation.
Her behavior deteriorated rapidly after the birth of the baby (May 2008), the death of her father (Sep 2008), and the beginning of her A (Oct/Nov 2008). This is someone who listened to christian radio non-stop, taught my boys bible songs, and professed a desire to adopt them.
Now she listens to heavy metal, screams at my children, and doesn't even give them the time of day recently - even though her mother and brother do.
I am acting out of pity that someone is so lost. Yes I had an A, I admitted to my wife within the week, asked for forgiveness, and moved forward.
She filed to divorce me accusing me of abuse that never occurred - and her attorney has basically openly spoken of using the prior incident in 2002 with my xW as the basis of building a grey area around their accusations now since there is no evidence.
This was after I offered to mutually divorce. I offered to give her 50% of everything, I just wanted Joint Custody at the time.
So I hired the Private Investigator to bust the A I already had suspicion was going on - yet I had given her the opportunity to end the marriage without resorting to that.
And I'm discussing mental issues because I uncovered a long and documented history (2+ years) of self-mutilation, suicidal thoughts, abandonment fears, etc. that seemed to match up with BPD. And this is just what she chose to write in her own journal.
Rather than "going to go off on a tangent" I discussed my concerns with a licensed therapist to determine whether I was on the right track. I purchased two books on the disorder recommended by said therapist and saw similarities between my situation and what was described in the books.
I wouldn't waste money on a psychological evaluation unless I was thoroughly convinced that money would be well spent. Just like I wouldn't have wasted money on a P.I. had W not chosen the route she did - because I offered her an easy out.
What I am doing right now is a quest to protect my own daughter's mental health and emotional well-being. If my W does suffer from this disorder there is a large body of documented research that supports my desire to have my D1 in a healthy environment with me. If somehow the long and documented mental history and self-mutilation was something she "got over" because in her journal she wrote about me:
"He's made me into the person I've always wanted to be, just didn't, because I was doing wrong before I met him. Once I met him I changed."
This was a few months after writing about wanting to die, committing suicide, etc.
I don't have a magic touch that 'fixed' these problems for her... at least I don't think that is a rational thought and would be pretty egocentric for me to believe so.
I'm watching her repeat the behavior, leaving our D1 unattended while partying, drinking, carrying on her A, and basically treating D1 as an object, not a person.
W withheld D1 prior to my getting a court order from even being able to see me. My father came in town and he only gets to see the kids a few times a year - and W withheld my daughter because she was angry with me and wouldn't let him see her.
So no... I don't feel hypocritical or guilty about it at all. I've said my mea culpa's, I've taken responsibility, I've requested family assistance prior to going the legal route on her mental health, I've discussed my concerns with W directly.
I've done all the stupid things legally until it gets to the point where the only route I have is to go on the attack because they do not listen to reason.
I told W I'd be willing to agree to her having custody if she would voluntarily go through a psychological evaluation. She responded by canceling any negotiations and refusing to let me take D1 to see my family.
Since this is the only route I've been given, I have no choice. Next to my name: Defendant. They chose this route. They wanted to bully me out of money, custody, and basically the right to be a parent.
You have the freedom to choose your actions. You do not have the freedom to choose the consequences of your actions.
It isn't my place to punish W and I have no desire to do so. I'd like to see her get help, but ultimately I have no control over if she chooses to do so or not. What I do have control over is my own actions, motivations, and desires. I have no desire for a future where I find my own daughter writing a journal about how she cuts herself to get away from the pain of W's emotional abuse.
Plain and simple.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
