Most of the boundaries I have set are around how she interacts with me and about the OM. When we talk if she gets mean or defensive towards me I will just end the conversation and leave until she is willing to talk to me in a civil manner. And with the OM, I don't want to hear about him at all. If she is here and feels the need to text or talk to him then she needs to leave to do it or at a minimum go outside. That I am moving forward to us seeing a mediator to start figuring out the financials, custody of D3, and such unless she breaks it off with OM and starts showing wanting to work on the R. That's pretty much it so far. For the most part she is respecting them except for breaking things off with OM.
So I think the little world W is living in is starting to crumble a little bit. She called me last night all upset that she had a rough day. She lost her cell phone and instead of talking to me about that and seeing what her options were she rushed out and bought a new one and since she wasn't on the current bill she had to get a new number under her own name and plan. Sucks some for me because I have to cancel her number under the plan we were on and probably pay the fee for early termination but I think that will be less than keeping the number on the plan deactivated. I'll have to figure that out. Either way, she is now responsible and paying for her own phone. Cool how that works out. She had a doctor's appt. yesterday that I guess didn't go well and then she had an IC appt. that she didn't like either. Up until I guess yesterday her IC had said nothing about saving the marriage. She just worked with W on figuring herself out and counseling her on seeing a mediator, what to expect in a divorce, etc... I was always a little put off by that as it seemed the counselor was helping her to get a divorce but I guess yesterday the counselor told her to try to save the marriage and was focused on that. W said she doesn't know what changed, if maybe the IC picked up on something and changed her tune. I have no idea since I've never even met her counselor. W also said she talked to IC about how I've been improving myself and growing while she is still stuck in the same place and it's not getting better. I just listened and validated it all. Hopefully W will see that maybe if she does what the IC says then she can grow and get better. Even if it's not in our R. It's like if anyone says anything to her that doesn't validate her position she shuts it out. For me, I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing and keep following the plan to see the mediator and go from there. Unless W changes with her actions then my plan goes on as it always has. W made a comment about losing the phone (which was a really nice phone) that it was like what she is doing with our relationship. She has something good and doesn't take care of it. Ummm...didn't say a word back about that. Maybe she feels that way or maybe that was just a comment made impulsively because her day sucked...who knows. Like Puppy says...words are words it's the actions that count.
Yup. Mine even took her blackberry with her to Germany even though she couldn't use it there and ended up getting a new cell phone there. I asked her to send me the blackberry back and she said she would, once she [figured out how to transfer the messages to her new phone.]*
*-Translated from the WAW-speak: "figured out how to clear the messages so I can't read them"
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Well, weekend is almost over and W has really screwed with my head some this weekend. Saturday morning W came home from wherever she stayed the night before and was really nice around me. Gave me hugs...stayed close to me throughout the house...played with D3 and me. Talked some and she said that after she left her IC on thursday she thought to herself that yes, we could get the passion back in our marriage and make things work if we tried. I just took it in and didn't dwell on it or act all excited about it. Things were good and then she went to work at 1pm. Didn't talk to her for the rest of the day. Fast forward to today and she comes home this morning from wherever she stayed again last night and she is noticeably colder toward me. She talked to me some but it was more hollow and just idle chit chat. We played some with D3 outside since it was sunny and in the 70s and then she left to go to work again. Haven't talked to her since. I swear sometimes it feels like she throws a little bone out there to keep this little doggy from running away then goes back to the old ways. It really gets to me sometimes but I keep a happy face while she is around. Man I would love just some sort of sign on what to do. I keep having the "should I stay or should I go now" song going through my head thinking about my sitch. Uhhh.... Anyway, gonna try to not think about it and enjoy the rest of the night with D. Then tomorrow, calling in sick and playing golf with a friend of mine. That should be pretty fun and take my mind off of things. Hope everyone is having a good Sunday!
I noticed that W was warm to me on days where things were going well for her, and cold on days where her life wasn't going as she planned/hoped, or was tired (WAW's don't get solid sleep either), or X, or Y.
The mood swings seem to be much greater in the WAW situation.
A response to the "make it work if we tried" comment is that I may have tried to use (although unlikely to have remembered in the moment): "Well, we'll cross that bridge when we're both ready for it."
However, having seen much more positive interactions with my W lately (not sure why), it does cross my mind (often) of what I would say in response to anything positively suggestive to a reconciliation or even a step in the right direction initiated by her. I want to think that I would simply respond with "I'm still working on me and am not ready just yet." But at the same time, while I believe I am not ready yet, I don't know what the opening will be (if at all), so spinning my wheels on every possible scenario is a waste of time.
Furthermore, my fear is that if I play it too cool or passive, then maybe she'll think 'Fine, maybe I don't need to wait around for you to be ready'. While that is a fear, hearing your situation tells me that if the W is that fickle to be so easily pushed off by a cold shoulder on the first attempt, then she is not ready, and neither of us want the heartache/headache of playing games until both W and H are ready to start again.
A lot of gray area here, which is why I still want Puppy Dogs play book (e.g. "WAW for Dummies") to be published.
H40 (me) W34 (WAW) S6 T11 M10
Feb09: Need a break bomb Mar09: I moved to apartment to GAL, PMA, NMMNG Apr09: WAW 'dating' OM at work, positive around me lately.
so W tells me today she broke things off with OM and is very visibly upset by everything. She said she did it because it was disrespectful to me seeing as how we are still figuring out us and that OM was pissed. I don't care if if was pissed but it does hurt to see W so upset. I don't know what to do or say to her but i did thank her. I also don't know if she will keep it up or not because she is so upset. I guess time will tell. She also said that it doesn't change our sitch at all which i told her i knew. So how do i take this and what do i do from here?
