You said: "It finally got to the point where he said he didnt want me to go on anymore, and I said that I would try to cut back but I wasnt ready to just stop, i felt it was a harmless exploration of my sexuality.. these were strangers, i would never know or meet."
And you also said: "He hacked in my computer and got all my passwords and went through my account on there and read emails from people..which Im sure was hurtful.. and i have done some pretty brazen things on there.. but I have never meant it to be to replace him..So now he feels I have had an Affair through the site and has given me an ultimatum to quit."
Honey, I hate to tell you this, but you are having an affair, and possibly multiple affairs. So the first step would seem to be for you to really understand what an affair is. I would call yours "emotional affairs" because you never met these people, but due to the highly sexual charged nature and the multiple people involved, and the fact that you likely were using these people in your mind as you had sex or masterbated, creates something very close to a physical affair, not just emotional. Either way, it is an affair or multiple affairs, and you will have to learn to understand this or else your marriage simply won't make it.
I have been in a similar position. I was in multiple affairs during my marriage that were techically emotional affairs (EA) but included physical aspects, so I know where you are coming from. Like you, I also felt these were not "real" affairs. I was also using these as escapism, like you said. But one thing you did not say, is if you have any addiction issues? I do have them, and I have only recently figured out that I have sexual addiction issues too, and for me, these EA's were driving and feeding my addiction. You may want to explore addiction issues with your counselor to see if this shoe fits.
Regardless though, you need to be able to admit to yourself and to your H that you are involved in adultery. You only stopped the chat room thing 2 days ago, and you need to be prepared for the fact that it might take a couple of months for you to go through the withdrawal of them. Regardless if you have addiction issues or not, you have created an addiction for yourself in the chat room thing and there will be a withdrawal period now. So give yourself lots of time and patience for this to occur. You will continually be tempted to get back on the chat sites or to email with people from there, but if you do so you will be back to square one and have to start the withdrawal all over again.
You may not know for sure if you want to save your marriage until after you've gone through the withdrawal process. Because during withdrawal, you truly cannot think clearly about what you want. Your body and brain will try to trick you into getting back on the chat site in the meantime. This is why you cannot trust your own intentions just yet. After withdrawal is complete, the urge to get on the chat sites will go away, and then you can clearly decide what you want to do in your marriage. Please don't make any decisions about this until withdrawal is complete.
And please do become familiar with what an affair actually is so that you can come to grips with the reality of what you have done in your marriage. This isn't judgment coming from me, its compassion. I've been there. I'm divorced. I'm the poster child for "what not to do".
