I think people need to realize that when people say things to you like, "I don't love you anymore" or "I'm not in love with you anymore", or anything else that's remotely close, consider this, they've lost respect for you, they've lost attraction for you, probably due to some poor behaviors on your part, not just on theirs. Acting like a doormat is really crap behavior, I did that - not her and acting like a doormat ends up getting you as much love as a doormat deserves, which is none. I stopped acting like a doormat, I set rules & boundaries, I man up, act like I have a pair and you know what, it's not acting, I do have a pair, I have reclaimed those shriveled raisins that I call balls out of her purse and they've regained their normal size once again - thank god!
Respect yourself, love yourself, find those things that make you an individual again, make you feel good about yourself again and remember that you aren't allowed to lose those things regardless of how much you love your partners. Don't ever settle for being someone's doormat because after you've been walk on for a while and they've rubbed their dirty shoes all over you, they will get rid of you, doormats that look old & dirty get replaced with newer doormats.
Goal: Stop being a human doormat
How to achieve this goal: love & respect yourself enough to tell people that you don't like it when they treat you like crap. We teach young kids to say NO when someone does something inappropriate to them - there's a message there. Learn to say NO to crap behavior, you don't have to be a bully, you don't have to be mean but you do have to say something and stand up for yourself. Doing so shows people that you respect yourself enough to not tolerate crap behavior.
Another thing that I've been thinking about alot lately.
Alot of LBS's here on this site and possibly, just possibly being way too supplicative (if that's a word) or supplicating too much. Meaning always giving in, never showing backbone, buying things, gifts, meals, etc. This type of behavior backfires badly, you show you have no backbone, you show that you have nothing to live for, you show that you believe that buying a person with money, gifts or doing things for them is the way to get them back and that is really manipulation and nobody likes that or respects that.
Trying to be the best you can be to win back the spouse that has left you. Now hear me out before you shoot me down (feel free to shoot though, I would encourage honest debate on this).
Even though you can tell most people they have to do this for themselves first & foremost, the reality is that people especially in the early stages are desperate to get their spouses back, so the changes they make are superficial and do not last. If they do hook up with their spouse again, they'll maintain these "new" behaviors for a limited period of time, get comfortable again and the WAS will leave after they see the changes weren't real.
Respect yourselves first & foremost, the person who was supposed to love you above all others has walked away and left you behind and unless you were some type of abusive slob, that kind of betrayal shouldn't be taken lightly.
Respect yourself, reclaim your dignity & self-esteem.
You pick things up pretty quick man. Good to see. Nothing for me to add here in fact.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I packed up my wife's remaining things and put them in boxes by the door at our home.
I moved her out in January.
We go back & forth between being almost friends and being enemies.
Throughout this time I haven't faltered at all in being a strong man. I don't grovel for her affection, in fact when she displays a poor attitude with me and we happen to be out together with the kids, I call her on it, I "bust" her on it. I tell her that I won't tolerate crap behavior from her ever, not in private and definitely not in public.
One of the days that I had the kids, she asked if she could tag along with us because she had nothing to do that day. She came along, we shopped, we had something to eat, etc. Something the kids did to annoy her and she made a statement to the effect that "the kids don't listen to me the way they listen to you", I started to tell her that it's possible she didn't pay enough attention to them when she has them (she doesn't, the kids tell me so, obviously they're little and don't know much but they do tell me what bothers them), well that attitude turned from crusty to worse and she made a really hurtful remark to me, turned her back and walked away. The old me would have just taken crap from her and slumped into a corner and in general just acted really submissive. Here's my 180 (yes a few of you aren't going to agree), she walked away from, I followed her, told her to turn around because I was talking and if she wanted me to listen to her & respect her when we're talking, she would damn well do the same with me and that I won't tolerate anyone ever turning their back on me ever again and included her at the top of the list. I then told the kids that we were leaving and that mom had something to do and we left. She was speechless, I let her say goodbye to the kids (they were with me on that day) and we left, I just turned my back and wouldn't hear more of it.
Sounds a bit tough, maybe hard but the old me wouldn't have done that. She sent several text msg's later that evening that were angry, hostile, infused with colorful language and i told her that she was wasting her time texting me.
A few days later she apologized for talking to me that way.
If I didn't know better, standing up for myself to someone who used to be controlling, mean & cruel with me is actually buying me some brownie points.
The apologies this year are something new, something that would have never happened before.
I've been posting alot in other user's threads and offering advice, here's an update on my situation and I'm asking for input/comments/advice.
Today she mentioned something about possibly wanting to move back home & try again.
I haven't talked any relationship talk with her in ages, in fact I've been getting used to my current life. Truth be told, getting my own life & living my own life and taking care of just myself and the kids has been detaching & getting a life without calling it that.
What should I be asking her? What should I be telling her? I didn't say anything when she mentioned, I played dumb, brushed it off, kind of like "ha ha very funny" and continued with another conversation we had started earlier. In fact I did this on autopilot which probably made me look like I wasn't acting when I laughed it off, it only registered after she left to go to work (she had come over to visit me & the kids). Now that I think of it, she has mentioned this in half whispers in other conversations (ex. "this place could use a woman's touch, maybe one of these days I'll move back home and help you run this zoo")
I'm almost wondering now if she's serious.
What's standard protocol in this situation where the WAW may be asking to come back to the LBS who kind of became the WAS during this process. Is she testing me? Is that possible? (I guess I answered that myself, anything is possible).
p.s. out of the blue yesterday, she called me at work and asked me out for dinner, she took me to red lobster and she picked up the cheque (which is very rare, in the past she would never have done this)
Rob, I think you need to be prepared with what your short list of "dealbreakers" are.
What ARE they?
This is your chance to start to build an entirely new relationship, a "do-over" using what you've learned while apart. Upon what kind of foundation and boundaries would you like to build it? DO you even want to build it?
Rob, I think you need to be prepared with what your short list of "dealbreakers" are.
What ARE they?
This is your chance to start to build an entirely new relationship, a "do-over" using what you've learned while apart. Upon what kind of foundation and boundaries would you like to build it? DO you even want to build it?
Puppy
Puppy thanks for the reply, I read your post and I seriously don't know, I never thought about it this far in advance. Does it sound ignorant of me to say that I'm kind of dumbfounded at this point?
