I have been married for almost 15 years.. got married at 24, wanted to get married and start a family. We had alot of struggles at first financially, infertility, adoption and now some major health issues on my husbands part. I have been on antidepressants for the better half of our marraige, there have been times that depression debilitated me, so I was put on a "maintenance" dose. For at least the last 10 years, except for this last year..my husband was overly involved w/ things on his computer. It wasnt porn or women, it was graphic clubs and gaming and so forth. He totally zoned out when he came home and when we had small children, he escaped downstairs to the computer. I told him several times how i didnt like it and wanted him around us more, but he says he didnt see it as a problem, but now he does. Our sex life was nill, he came to me the fall of last year and said he felt like we had become "business" partners and had no relationship, and wanted to work on it. My first thought was that he was concerned about not having sex, b/c he never cared about us spending time together before. So i agreed to come off my antidepressants for a while to see if I could get an improvement in my sex drive. I did this and we started actively trying to go out and have date night. Then he had a major health episode, cardiac related and he is young (37) he was hospitalized and had a few months at home recovering. Before he got ill, we had been exploring sexual issues and not to get too graphic on here, but I stumbled into a sex chat site as I was looking for something else. It peaked my curiousity, and i got involved slowly. This is something Very out of character for me, but after coming off those antidepressants and having my sex drive return and finding this site, it was all a big rush. He knew I was going on and he knew how much, but soon I was on it more and more, and he didnt like it. As he was recovering from his health issue, I used it as an escape mechanism, i could go on there and dissapear, it was the most wonderful relief I had. I didnt have any problems on there, i was someone else. It finally got to the point where he said he didnt want me to go on anymore, and I said that I would try to cut back but I wasnt ready to just stop, i felt it was a harmless exploration of my sexuality.. these were strangers, i would never know or meet. Resentment built up and he asked again. Finally, I said I needed to go to therapy to try to stay off the antidepressants and I suggested he go also, to help w/ the after affects of his illness. So we are both in individual counseling. Then we decided to go to marraige counseling b/c we could not come to an agreement on the sex chat site. We have been going there for a few weeks. Sorry this is getting long.. The sexual aspect of the website had worn off and i was becoming dependent on it for socialization. I am a stay at home mom w/ two small children, not any friends outside the home and no real activities. I used to work full time before we started a family. He hacked in my computer and got all my passwords and went through my account on there and read emails from people..which Im sure was hurtful.. and i have done some pretty brazen things on there.. but I have never meant it to be to replace him..So now he feels I have had an Affair through the site and has given me an ultimatum to quit. So i did.. two days ago. i deleted the account and unlocked my account on my desktop. I am having a suprisindly difficult time, I have come to realize how lonely I actually am.. I dont understand how you can be surrounded by peopel that you know love you, yet be so incredibly lonely.I am really angry about him hacking all my stuff b/c now i dont even feel i can have an honest email w/ my best friend who is out of state..I get his position.. 10 years ago if i could have hacked into his to see what all he was doing.. i would have done the same.. but i am still angry. We have had some very honest conversations over the past few months.. we had a teenager who we had raised since he was 4 leave to go live w/ his mother after 12 years, just last month. That boy and the little kids occupied so much of my emotional energy.. i havent been able to see that I am not happy. Now, after his health scare, which has made me see we only have one life.. and after the absence of our oldest child.. and the removal of the cloud of antidepressants.. i am able to reflect on where I am in our marraige and in my life. And i am extremely unhappy. I cant quite put my finger on why.. but I think I have been for a long time. For the first time, we have discussed that we fear the possibility of divorce. I have enrolled in college to start this summer and am trying to find more constructive things to do with my time, but I still have this immense feeling of unhappy. Like my life is just passing me by. My concern is that this is actually depression symptoms returning or if I really am this unhappy and get back on the meds.. it will mask it again for years. We are at the beginning of trying to work this out, but I find it so hard to even think about it.. I dont know if I do want to work it out, or if I just need to do somethings for myself, or what my problem is. He says he loves me and just wants me to be happy, and if its over then its over, but he wants us to give it an honest chance. I do too, I am just so overwhelmed w/ confusion and uncertaintity, I dont seem to be able to think straight. So I found here hoping to run across a woman who has been in my shoes..or a man:).. Right now my plan is to try school and try to do more things for myself, and see if that improves my outlook.. so much time has passed between my husband and I where we neglected our feelings and our marriage..Im afraid that I wont be able to recover it..and that makes me so sad I cry everytime I think about it. Thanks for reading my super long story.. look forward to some input. H.
