i havent read much on here..yet.. but am working on it.. I dont think that divorce is the "answer" , this is just the first time in our marraige that one of us has said we were unhappy w/ the marraige.. and its really shocking to both parties...i dont know what divorce looks like.. i try not to envision it.. other than try to think if that will even make a difference w/ my unhappiness...
We had an extremely honest conversation last night. He keeps pushing me to tell him why I am so unhappy.. I told him that I didnt have that answer yet.. but i told him what i was feeling..It was hard and Im sure hurt his feelings.. but he keeps pushing and pushing me..I cant even think from day to day and he wants me to have it all figured out so we can "fix " it.. I have really neglected myself in many ways over the years, I have lost my individuallism to motherhood, I stopped demanding attention from him a long time ago,, i just got so tired of being ignored..i gave up and tended to my "duties" as wife and mother. Now,, so much time has lapsed between us that I dont feel anything toward him, just blank,, other than feeling badly that i am hurting him. We both have done things to get where we are, he accepts what he did as wrong, but in no way as damaging as what i did. We disagree on that but i dont fight about it. b/c he can never understand the draw to being online..
I told him last night that I have been able to filter out in the last few months that I am extremely lonely. I told him that i didnt understand how i could be surrounded by people that love me yet feel so incredibly lonely.. he didnt either..
I told him that i didnt know how i felt about our marraige or him, or if i was just having personal satisfaction problems..I just dont know for sure. He thinks I am having a mid life crisis or menopausal issue.. lol.. maybe i am.. but whatever it is .. it is real to me and devastating.. I have always been sure of myself and my life.. now it all seems a big mystery. I have alot of guilt over the situation w/ our oldest son.. i have guilt over hurting husband over online activities.. I have guilt for not being happy w/ what i have.. I feel guilt for wanting more for myself....i feel guilty for thinking that maybe the problem lies in our marraige.. I just feel ALOT of guilt..i have always been the one to hold stuff together in the family, come up w. the "plan" to handle things.. and now i am the problem..
His health scare at such a young age, seems to have frightened me in more ways than i thoughtt.. i feel our lives are just being spent working, shopping, do the yard, taking care of kids.. i dont feel like we are living..we are exsisting..
I know this all probably seems minor or easy to overcome,, but when you are the one w/ the doubts and unhappiness, it seems incredibly overwhelming...b/c i dont want to go back to a medicated state and live in denial of any unhappiness . I did tell him that as long as I was "functional" i didnt want back on them....but what is functional..lol I still cry several times a day.. some days its worse than that, but i feel like maybe its ok... maybe i need to cry and go throught all this to get to whats at the bottom.. I know he is scared to death.... but I have no emotional energy left to help him w/ that fear,i am struggling to help myself at this point..
Lucky Girl.. i have started walking. and may join the local gym as an outlet to get out of the house in a constructive fashion..My college courses start in the summer.. so I am hoping that mind will be occupied a little w/ that..
