Reading books is having the opposite effect on me. It doesn't calm me down. I end up thoroughly upset at the fact that I have been doing things so wrong as has he. I just got through reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. This is a book that he downloaded at the very beginning of our relationship and he read it and I sort of read it. We sort of glossed over it and were looking for a quick fix. We joked about his need to go into his cave, but I never got to the part about a woman and her well. This book is our relationship in a nutshell. If we would have took the time to do our parts as shown in the book, would we be where we are today? If we would have understood our differences and appreciated each other for what we bring into our relationship would we be separated and he telling me he no longer loves me and only sees me as a mother? I can what if this to death and it's what I do. I get so frustrated. I want to go to him and point all of this out as proof that I see where we went wrong and I see what it is we need to do fix our situation. Which is me once again trying to fix things and control the situation. This is day two of no contact and I am having such a difficult time doing this. I'm scared that me leaving him alone, even though it is what he has said he wants, will push him farther away because he also has said that he has felt like I wasn't interested in him.
Another thing that I have pondered is his breaking down the day he left about his relationship with his father and how he did not want to be like his dad with my children. Part of his fear of being a bad father and of him rationalizing it's better that he leave because he doesn't want to be a dad. I believe he means he doesn't want to be a bad dad. Or am I wrong? Should I take him at his word? Even though everyone says you shouldn't believe what a WAS says.
He wants to be a hero. He has pointed out to me that in our relationship he has always tried to get people's attention because he didn't get it at home. He desires a woman who has starts in her eyes. I have gone looking back through our past conversations and the stars used to be in my eyes. Where did they go and why am I having such a hard time putting them back there? Do I see this as a weakness? *sigh*
I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want a better relationship with my husband. I don't want us living in two separate places away from each other and not loving each other. My love grows daily for him as I look back at what he put up with and now understand my role in the demise of our relationship. I can only hope that when I do fix me he will see my changes and realize how hard I am fighting to keep us together.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
