Yesterday morning, I told my wife that wanted to keep this marriage and family intact. I told her I wanted a relationship with her girls. My wife said, "You could start by loving my girls." I told her that I was finding a therapist and I wasn't giving up.
Yesterday, as quitting time approached, I got a call from my wife asking if I wanted to join her and the girls for dinner. My heart leapt. Maybe she was embracing my desires... Dinner went well, and then after dinner, I asked "How about ice cream?" Everyone was so stuffed that no one was really up for it. However, her youngest asked "What about healthy?" There is a story to this, as one of my obsessive points to drive home was to eat healthy (wheat bread, low sugar, low fat, etc.) This became quite the point of contention. My wife's daughter is overweight and her mother is very protective. There was really no way I could ever communicate anything around this subject to my wife. Too hurtful and too touchy, but I did anyway. Anyway, back to dinner... When my wife's daughter asked "What about healthy?" I responded by saying, "I've learned that there are far more important things than "healthy"."
When we got home I offered to help pack bags for the girls to go to their dad's for the weekend. I helped my step-daughter with her homework and I helped tuck-in/say prayers.
Afterward, my wife commented that it was a good night, and she iterated that the dinner was for the kids because they have been wanting to go out. My selfish side was let down (I know, it's all about me) because I was hoping that at least in part it was a new begining for the family, and perhaps it was that too... sort of a goodwill gesture to say, okay... you want this family, here's the kick-off event. We talked a bit more about what I said after dinner and how picky I had become with keeping the house pristine (another distance causing obsession early in the marriage). I told her that it was silly to be so picky about a house, when in the grand scheme of things, we were now perhaps going to sell it. Some things are just more important than others...
My wife commented that she was very surprised to see the things I had done that evening. She said that she had built a wall to protect herself and it was going to take baby steps to bring it down. I am hearing clearly (did I say that?) that it is not necessarily over, but we have miles to go before we sleep.
Incidently, when we got home, my wife asked if I had made a therapist appointment. I thought this interesting, as she is seeing if I am following up and what I say.
This morning we said our good-byes, but hugging her bye was uncomfortable. She's not into it... and I know it's crazy to believe that one night can make all the difference, the situation still saddens me. I just had to ask if there were any outside circumstances that would prevent us from getting back together. I think you know what I was asking... and perhaps I shouldn't have asked, but it was something that was bugging me. She laughed and said, "Of course not." And I asked what was stopping us (I know... too many questions, too much pressure) and she said, "Just that I'm not in love with you right now." I asked how I should respond to seeing baby step progress, and she replied that I shouldn't. She told me to work on me and she would work on what she needs to work on.
My drive to work was bittersweet. I felt really good about last night and some of the things we talked about, but at the same time, "I'm not in love with you." remained in my head... as I'm so afraid that it will forever remain in her heart.
