It was time to get back to my Springsteen thread titles anyway.
164 posts in less than 96 hours; I am BLOWN AWAY by all of your support, prayers and encouragement. Just blown away. Thank you, all, in case I failed to respond to someone individually.
Now you play the loving woman I'll play the faithful man But just don't look too close into the palm of my hand We stood at the altar the gypsy swore our future was right But come the wee wee hours Well maybe baby the gypsy lied So when you look at me you better look hard and look twice Is that me baby or just a brilliant disguise
Tonight our bed is cold I'm lost in the darkness of our love God have mercy on the man Who doubts what he's sure of . . .
Pup, just giving back all that you have given us. Your support has been great. A silver lining behind the dark clouds, your DBing experience has given you the opportunity to help so many others. Much appreciated.
By the way, the other night I was thinking about you and I realized that you have actually not become the "student". When the dust settles, you will know exactly what to do and how to handle your situation the best way possible.
I knew everyone would rally around you. There is so much information that everyone can give you, now you just need to sort through it all and see what applies. keep hanging tough, you have tons of support in your corner.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Based on my short term understanding, everyone who deals with an A ending the relationship and ends up here tends to do a lot of self-reflection and learns quite a bit about themselves.
Whatever negative experience we encounter, and the ending of our hopes/dreams and shattered expectations - we can rise from the ashes as a better person, and maybe help others we see facing the same demons.
The most gut-wrenching part of dealing with a WAS is the absolute selfishness and lack of concern on their part of the LBS feelings and predicament. Doubly so when we are engaged with people who suffer from some sort of disorder which makes them incapable of empathy even in normal situations. Triply so when you have children of the M who you care for, and who cannot handle the emotional roller coaster.
We didn't ask for this situation, but the way we respond to it says a lot about who we are. One quote I reference as interesting:
“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.”
Unfortunately we end up in a "please the WAS at any cost" series of behaviors, and the GAL/Distancing only seems to push away some, yet attract others.
I guess what I'm trying to say... I know it rips your guts out to have come to the realization, and you'll probably start having feelings that "maybe" you can turn things around and begin doubting your course of action. But it will be important for you to focus on your objective, and ultimately focus on yourself - not in a selfish way, but in a healthy way. You can't afford to neglect your own needs as an expense towards pleasing someone who doesn't empathize with your sacrifice.
Your M, your business. But eventually many of us LBS come to the realization of what is and isn't healthy and become the WAS. Don't be shocked if you see your W start pursuing after being "rejected" because that is in the nature of unhealthy relationship dynamics and boundaries. But possibly be thankful if she has an A to occupy her thoughts, because it may make her less caring about the reality of the financial situation.
Remember first and foremost - Mrs Puppy is an adult. It is unhealthy for you to try and educate her on the reality, finances, etc. as much as you want to. She has to make her own mistakes, she has to slip and fall, and she has to learn a bit more about herself at this point. You can possibly shoot yourself in the foot if you try to "care" too much, as difficult as it is we have to lovingly detach from these types of dynamics so that the person can grow themselves.
Hope I didn't ramble too much... but this is my thought process and we seem to think alike in a lot of instances I've seen.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Haven't yet stopped by. Although we all bear our individual crosses in this, you have been there for many to help lighten the load or at least provide suggestions on how to make the journey a little less painful.
As you know it is tough but you are not alone my friend.
Take care.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
I'm sorry and it's mainly on the kids' behalf because I know you'll be fine (and I know you'll do your best to make things fine for your kids as well). Being here this long I'm a realist. Newcomers don't want to hear that their marriage wasn't good in the first place and that even saving their marriage may not result in all this wonderful stuff they envision. I know you gave this your best shot, but it doesn't really take one to tango and sometimes just getting back together isn't enough, especially when you are the one doing all the giving. I just don't think that retrovaille and DB and the hundreds of books on the subject of relationships can fix every marriage, or should.
I wish you the best. I hope you get through the divorce process amicably and are able to work out the best possible system for your kids. And I hope when you are ready that you find someone that is able to give more of themselves.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
My brother is going through something kind of similar and he was able to benefit greatly by settling this out of court and using the same lawyer. His soon to be ex waived his retirement which she was enititled to half for the rest of her life when he retired. That is something he has busted his butt for and went through severe hardships for like being shot at during war. Also his wife excepted only child support. Turns out she may have had a conscience about running around on him in the end. Although the courts don't care about adultery where they live at all. So it's not something he could have used. Most courts don't care about it from what I have heard. But she herself was decent in the end. Maybe that will be the case with your wife. I hope so. You sound like a great husband and father. You should walk away with your head held very proud.
Besides the PD initials, I find it ironic that the 2 of you posted under different names before.
BTW... I cant say I ever disagreed with anything either of you posted. Saving a marriage is a nobel thing to attempt, but in the end, reality kicks in for most.
