I'm gonna share something with you that I picked up from Coach this morning:
"Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
Now tell me...isn't that great? Hang in there and stay committed and don't give up and try not to despair. We all know how much this hurts, and we are familiar with all of the other emotions that are involved with these things. I don't believe that God wants you to be divorced. Remember, it only takes one person to change a relationship...even if your wife doesn't! If you change, and I mean really change for the better, then the relationship can't help but change. It has to! That's the dynamics of it.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
The counsel that I received (and boy do I wish I would have received it earlier) was to split the finances asap. Let her have the responsibility of managing her own money right now, before the D comes. By continuing to handle the daily finances, you are shielding her from that responsibility.
Also, if you haven't done it already, you should get a consultation with a L. Most will do a free initial consult and give you some good legal advice for the state and city where you live.
Peace.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Yes, by all means, see a L. Your "best friend" has become someone you can no longer trust. Friends don't bail on you.
Also, what's up with the "are you mad at me" bit? Are you freaking kidding me? She wants out and then blames you for being "mad". This is just her projecting her sh!t onto you to absolve herself of any guilt. She should feel guilty. Sickness and health, right?
The counsel that I received (and boy do I wish I would have received it earlier) was to split the finances asap. Let her have the responsibility of managing her own money right now, before the D comes. By continuing to handle the daily finances, you are shielding her from that responsibility.
That is exactly my dilemna. But my problem is that we are maintaining one residence. I spend alternate nights with family and she does the same. She has no income. So bascially I pay the household bills, credit cards bills etc. I'm not sure what splitting up financially would mean. In her defense she has waived any claim to interim alimony/cs payments. I don't know how to shift any of this obligation to her right now.
Also, what's up with the "are you mad at me" bit? Are you freaking kidding me? She wants out and then blames you for being "mad". This is just her projecting her sh!t onto you to absolve herself of any guilt. She should feel guilty. Sickness and health, right?
You know I have been thinking a lot about that. I am convinced she has convinced herself that this is what is best for me. She even said "You'll be a lot happier with someone who is less crazy. You'll be amazed how much easier it is without me." She sometimes has slipped into this "I screw everything up" self-pitying mode. I legitimately think she does feel guilty about this, but as a defense has convinced herself that this is what is best for me. She said something along the lines of how she'll be jealous of another woman who makes me happy since she couldn't do it, but that she wants me to be happy.
Now tell me...isn't that great? Hang in there and stay committed and don't give up and try not to despair. We all know how much this hurts, and we are familiar with all of the other emotions that are involved with these things. I don't believe that God wants you to be divorced. Remember, it only takes one person to change a relationship...even if your wife doesn't! If you change, and I mean really change for the better, then the relationship can't help but change. It has to! That's the dynamics of it.
It struck me that you might find TwinDad's thread of some use. He successfully reconciled his marriage. He only had a few threads so not a huge amount of reading...
Not suggesting any kind of EA or PA it is just the way in which he balanced standing up to his wife and setting boundaries as well as validating and listening and getting through to his wife.
It struck me that you might find TwinDad's thread of some use. He successfully reconciled his marriage. He only had a few threads so not a huge amount of reading...
Thanks very much JCJ. I am really glad to see a success story and that is interesting. I'm not as good a guy as he is. He seems like a freaking superhero.
Up early this morning. Although I seem to be up early every morning since this started. I'm trying to avoid feeling bad for myself. It just reall hit me when I woke up that I really haven't caught a break in years. I've kept grinding though.
My back is really a problem now. It went out on me a few days ago and now it is sore and tender. Alone with two young kids I'm afraid it is going to go out on me at some point. I want to get to the gym, but I can't work out until my back heals a bit more.
I'm worried/guilty over the kids. I went to a lawyer last night. She was good and I think I am going to work with her. She was pretty adamant that my wife has herself another man. I think I knew that, but it hurts every time there is more confirmation. But the thing she said that killed me was after I said somethig along the lines of how my wife was really damaging herself by doing this and that she was the one who was going to be hurt the most. She said, "don't kid yourself. This is going to be more hurtful to your kids than to anyone." I just can't accept the damage this is going to do to them. I love them so much. I can't imagine ripping their little worlds apart this way. I feel so sad and the sadness is turning into anger at my wife for doing this. Leaving aside us, that she is doing this to our kids.
I gotta get a therapist. I made the decision not to talk about relationship stuff with friends and family anymore. But I have this anger and sadness growing to the point where I feel like I'm just walking pain.
CL, this is definitely the most painful moment of life bar none and the kids are always the ones who suffer the most. This is why you need to focusing on them right now to the exclusion of your W. It is impossible not to think about the pain that you are going through, of course, but by channeling your focus and attention on the kids, it helps you detach a little better from your own sitch.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
