waw after 13 years

[beno]

cheers rob

well with all that said im going to plan it starting at the weekend, not sure were to go, put anywhere will do, i will stay in this country though. and yes it will make me irresponsible leaving my phone behind, dont even know how long i will go for? think i might start with 4 days, if i feel like staying on for a further 2,4,7, days whatever i will,
so i will sort out all my work and stuff and finish up what i need to do then im going, im excited lol. i probably need at least 3 weeks before i can go anywhere, its work people are depending on me plus i need the cash,

[beno]

hi guys
just took my daughter back to her mum, had her over for tea and stuff,
she reveald something to me, she said her mum told her that people do get back together so dont worry, just look at you grand parents they broke up 25 yrs ago for 12 months and they got back together,
i wasnt really that happy about this beacuse it could be sending out the wrong message to her, she is only 10 and my wife could be giving her false hope, she seemed very excited when she was telling me, i didnt respond much to it, didnt know what to say for the best,i think its really cruel if she is setting her up for a downfall, she will hold on to this thought now, and if my wife thinks she will forget about it, well she wont. kids remember things and she will surley remember this,

people say that you should listen to your wife very carefully when she speaks and log every word, so we have spoken twice,once on saturday and once on sunday.

i logged most things but some i cant make sense of, like.
i love you as a person,

i dont think i could live in that house,

if you do detatch from me, remember its not always the right thing to do, follow your heart. but its fine if you do, then she cried.

dont think anyone can handle me,

i dont think your love for me is has intense has you think it is,

maybe were just not meant to live together,

its to early to do things together, but yet everytime she needs support she phones me, if she is upset she phones, if she is angry about someone or something she phones, if she is in a good mood she bombardes me with texts, not about us just stuff, like she could send 20 in one night,

she said some wierd stuff, not dwelling on them just cant make no sense of a lot of things she says,
speak soon i hope keep posting,

[beno]

just recieved a phone call from my wife and i need to vent,
last night i told her i have taken steps towards closing ourjoint account, she showed she was mad by this and said DO YOU THINK IM GOING TO RIP YOU OFF OR SOMETHING, no i dont think that but it needs to be done right,

anyway back to the cal i just had, she phoned and said an old friend we hadnt seen for a year had got in touch and invited her down to her place for a meal and drinks with some other friends and to sleep over and she acccepted, she then said i wont drink to much beacuse were on a girlie night out tomorrow, then were all out for lunch on sunday and having drinks on the night,

so while she is planning 3 nights out im at home with the kids, she has no consideration for my needs at all, does she not think i might of made plans to do something with my friends? its so selfish on her part,
i need to tell her to consider my needs when she is making these plans, not sure how though, she will probably fly off the handle and turn it around on me.

we had a death in the family more her side not mine last week, i did post on here not sure how many seen it, so last night she decides to tell me that the funeral is today at 2 oclock, so with that i had to re organise all my plans and stuff with work, i had to phone people and cancel stuff,
she just turned around and said i forgot, how inconsiderate is that, i forgot, well thats ok then no problem, as if.
im just sick to death how she is always thinking of herself and nobody else not even me.
why does she do this? is it beacuse she wants to mess my head up? or is she oblivious to whats going on around her, its like she has her little world and there is only her in it, nobody is allowed in at all times,
vented enough now, thanks for listening

[antlers]

Man, she is ONLY thinking of herself right now. She is being selfish. That's typical in these situations. Your needs are the last thing on her mind. Do what YOU need to do.

[beno]

thanks antlers i was begining to think it was me and not her selfish behaviour, funny how they make you feel like that, like they have some super power or something.

another thing thats popped in my head was when we spoke last saturday she said to me when i was leaving you i thought he dosent beleive i will leave, beacuse ive threatened him a few times and never seen it through,
it was like she was trying to tell me right i will show him im out of here this time, like she is standing her ground. o the joys of marriage, lol

[antlers]

She 'is' standing her ground. It's not you...it's her. This is where she is right now. They are strong, and they do have a lot of power at this stage. Just the way it is. We have to DB, and we have to keep on DB'n.

[beno]

well guys i need to share a few more things with you all.
picking back up on what i said in my last 2 posts, another thing struck me while out today, we all went tothe funeral me my wife son and daughter, now i know it goes against d/b ing but my my was in a state and i held her in my arms while she was crying, my son and daughter was also upset. so there i was i had all 3 of them holding me while i comforted them, now dont get me wrong i was upset to but i had to be strong for them all, so on the way back i said dont fancy doing all this again on tuesday, wife said tuesday why, so i said its my nieces re burial, she replied o yea i forgot, (nice)
now i will give you some background on the situation.
10 years ago my niece died while havin heart surgery, she was 6 years old, it was devastating for the whole family, then 3 weeks ago my sister got a call from the hospital asking her to go down there, to cut a long story short they told her the hospitals was being investigated for taking organs without permission, and they had took my nieces, every last one even her bones, she was left with her eyes only. so this has caused major upset and were having to have the funeral again 10 years later on the same date 21 april.
my wife was fully aware of all this and has even spoken to me about it and my sister, so she knew everything even the date for the funeral.
so this goes to show how wrapped up in herself she really is, even strangers now all about it beacuse its in the papers and on tv, how the hell can she forget about something like that?

anyway we went to a family gathering after the funeral and my wife was sat close to me she even put her hand on my leg, wierd or what.
now i left to take my daughter to a clothes store to pick something up, so my wife said to pick her up on the way back, so we did our stuff and i text my wife, said be 5 minutes, as i pulled up in the car she opened the door and said "im going to walk down in 20 minutes LOVE and lent over to kiss me, i quickly turned and made conversation about my daughters clothes she just bought, it was like it was all normall and nothing has happened between us, its like she is blind folded, so wierd, btw i bumped into her cousin in the store and she said that my wife is showing all the signs of mlc. is that a sign her saying love to me and leaning over to kiss me likw nothing is going on between us, then something clicks and she is back there again in her own little world.

[sandi2]

I noticed a typo that I made and hope you all knew what I meant instead of what I typed.

“It was the OM that I really wanted to understand me......it was my H that I wanted all along. But when he told me that he had done nothing wrong.....you cannot believe how badly that hurt.”

I meant to say that it was NOT the OM that I really wanted to understand me……it was my H that I wanted all along. And I might add that it was my H that I really wanted to understand me, too.

Dear Beno, I join the others in saying that I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain and when losing relatives on top of this stitch, it makes it even worse. Beno, I know you don’t want to hear some of the things that are being said b/c it hurts and b/c you don’t want to believe it. And, it is like I was trying to tell another person today, in spite of what people on the board say and what the books say, the LBS feels in his heart that since he know his wife best then he should know what would work the best. However, she is not the girl you M, Beno. She is going through a crises that you do not understand and neither does she. And unfortunately, you can’t do much about it. The best thing you can do is totally opposite from what your heart “wants” to do and it won’t feel natural to you at all. A few people went down the “friend’s path” and found their spouse again, but the majority tried it and lost. It is your decision to make but let me remind you of a few things that has been said, okay?

Your wife said,

“but she has said she is enjoying being on her own at the moment and does not want a relationship with anyone, she said she doesn’t have to make decisions for other peoples sake and that feels, good because she can do things she wants to do,”

That sounds to me that statement included you. Now, you can enable her to continue to live in another place without you and help her get furniture and pay her bills and be her handyman and even mow her grass--if that is what you want to do……..but it sounds to me that if the lady really wants to be alone and make no decisions for other people’s sake and just do the things she wants to do, then by doggies, I think that is what you ought to allow her to do. Allow her that great opportunity to experience truly being on her own. But, as long as you are paying her way and helping the poor little thing out with whatever she needs……she won’t get to “enjoy” being on her own b/c she really won’t be on her own…….will she Beno? How can she be on her own if somebody else is picking up the tab or helping her out every time she need a hand? I know, I know……you are just being a “friend”. No, you are being a doormat. She will use you and despise you. But like I said…..it is your decision .


In response to another post, you said,

“a script? i know my wife and i could see it in her eyes, she meant every word of it, she wants to be in my life she said, she also said she loves the person i am and my personality, i make her laugh and understand her, and she wishes she could tell me that she loves me and wants me but she cant because she doesn’t know what she wants, only thing she is certain of is that she wants to be on her own to enjoy life without asking or telling people what she can and cant do,”

My H thought he knew me also, but guess what……..I said the same stuff. It is script!

And in your very next post you said,

“I also want to ask your opinion on how i go about things now, do i still have limited contact? i think this will harm the situation.”

Why do you think it will harm the situation, Beno? Didn’t she say that she wanted to be left alone? But you think that pursuing her will help? Remember, I have been there and trust me, she wants you to leave her alone.

“do i support her if she calls and needs someone to talk to? again i think i would be better if i did support her.”
No, this is what Beno “wants”. It will not be better to enable her to do something you don’t want her to do.

“she will desperate for some new furniture for her new place, again i think this will help my cause,
i do understand no personal gifts should be bought, but i think by helping her a little for the house, that it will give me brownie points, because she wont see it as a gift, she will see it has me helping her and the kids to build a home up, she does text me and puts a kiss on the end so i feel i should respond back with a kiss at the end of my reply, “

Brownie points, huh? Let me tell you what she will do. She will take new furniture and curtains and dishes and anything else to build a home for her and your kids and then she will tell you to get the heck out of her place. No, sweetie, you won’t be winning any brownie points.

“because if start to be a little mean or cold she will think i dont give a sh*t, because of my ignorance in this i feel by being ignorant now it will only bolster her thoughts and reasons for leaving me,”

Who told you to be mean and cold and act like you don’t give a sh*t? Nobody! You are scared to death that she will push you away if you don’t kiss her a$$ every chance you have.......that is the real truth of the matter right there!! And what is this

“it will only bolster her thoughts and reasons for leaving me”?

She’s already left!! Give her what she wants. To be away from you! You are the one that is afraid, Beno. You are scared stiff and would do anything to hold on to that rope she is pulling against trying to get away from you. Drop the rope. Oh, and don’t use the kids as your excuse to help build a home for her. That one has been used by scared H’s enough. I’m not implying you don’t want the best for your children, but it is only an excuse to try to be close by her. Sure she is sending you cute little email and TM’s with kisses………until she gets what she wants.

I believe you have not accepted the fact that she is in MLC . You still melt in the knees whenever she touches you and you try to read too much into her moves and words. You need to take the advice from the guys that have tried to tell you what to do. Sure it’s hard and sure it hurts and it’s not over by a long shot. It takes years, sometimes, to come through a MLC. But there are other ways to handle this and that is the advice you have been receiving.

As I said, I am sorry for the death in the family, but if you start trying to make her display of warmth toward you more than anything but a show for everyone else’s sake……then you are in for a bad time of it. And be honest.......it did get your hopes up, didn't it? Just b/c of the way she was acting. It was only a temporary thing for her, Beno. I’m not trying to tear you down to rock bottom, in spite of how I may sound right now. I am trying to help you see through blinded eyes. You love her and you are hurting so much that you want to believe that somehow all this is going to cause her to come running back to you and it won’t. She was emotional at the funeral. But when it is all over, she will be right back like she was. When one is in MLC, it just does not happen that easily. I wished for your sake it did. You need to read all the material you can on MLC.

As far as you taking a break, yes it is selfish as far as the children are concerned b/c they need you. But if that is what it takes to help you get your head on straight, then maybe you should consider it. However, I would not take your regular cell phone and I would not discuss much details about it with the wife only to say you are going away for a while and if there is an emergency the so & so (whoever you leave a number with) knows how to reach you. Leave an ER number of how you can be contacted in case of an emergency with a trusted family member or friend. Or buy a cheap "pay as you go cell phone" and leave the number with somebody other than her. Of course, you can call the children as much as you want, but don’t talk to her. By that I mean “discussions”. If she answers, say hi and immediately ask to talk to the kids. You are not trying to be rude or mean…..but you are “detaching” (a word I think you’ve heard a time or two.) You are supposed to be taking a break from her and the stitch, remember? If you talk to her, I can guarantee you that she will cause you to be absolutely miserable the entire time you are away. Of course, if she gets any hint of what you are “thinking” about doing, she’ll do something to pull the plug on that plan. And of course, she will raise all kind of hell if you don't leave your number with her.....your precious, devoted wife that has left you. But, remind her that she chose to go separate ways and you are tying to give her that wish and that includes not knowing all your business. Of course, she will immediately use the kids as her excuse also. That is why you need to have somebody's name (maybe more than one person) as to how to reach you in case of an emergency. I can almost see her figuring someing out now, like calling you to tell you one of the kids is bad sick just to get you off your trip. Then when you get back, they are better. It happens.
This may have made you pretty mad at me for talking like this, but it is a verbal hit up beside the head to try to get you to see how a loving person such as your wife once was, can change into somebody you don't know anymore when MLC hits. I did things that shocked my family and even myself! I did things that I would have called anybody a liar if they had told me three years ago what I would have done. It happens to the best of people.

I hate to see you guys suffer so and continue to do what doesn’t work. So take a break and think about moving forward with your life and making a better life for yourself. No, I'm not talking about divorce, but I am talking about dropping the rope......but not as a gimmick to get her back.....even if that is the only thing that usually works. It isn't a guarantee, so it must be with the resolve of making a life for yourself with or without her in it. Otherwise, you are going to be one miserable man.

Whatever you do, please keep coming back here b/c you will need us even if you don't want us at times.....

Take care,
Sandi

[beno]

thank you so much sandi, everything your saying is true and i admire your honesty,
not been on for 2 days beacuse things took a massive turn on friday evening.
my wife phoned me at 4am and was all upset and said she loved me so so much and she wanted to come home,
guys this hit my like a train,
my emotions was all over the place,
i went and picked her up about 4.30am, we sat and chatted until 9am, we disscussed everything past and present,
we spoke all saturday to, my wife is very regretful and me to,
so our situation now is, were taking things slow beacuse its not a race, we have time on our hands thats for sure.
i will post back soon guys, i need advice on piecing now and how to deal with the past, thank you all you brought me here and i will always remember