"I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting...

[naej]

Hi TOH, best not to look too far into the future because non of us know what that will hold.

Just ask yourself one question IF it all comes to nothing with B will you still be happy with D your H ?
Maybe happy is not the right word, will you still think deep in your heart that you did the only thing you could do at this stage in your marriage?
I do wish you well and all the happiness in the world. Life is indeed short and I say grab it while you can but know that even alone you will still be just fine.

[glamgirl]

TOH if that is what you want then you are in the right place. I know you waited a long time for your h to finally say the things you wanted him too, but now those words don't matter.

I don't know, something just doesn't feel right. It's almost as if you switched your feelings for h onto B. Only you know what is best for your life.

It's nice though that your h is realizing that he wants to work on the M. The minute you dropped the rope, it looks like he came running back.

[naej]

It's nice though that your h is realizing that he wants to work on the M.

Call me skeptical or a cynic BUT Actions speak louder than Words.
TOH's h is a drunk and a liar. does he want to work on the marriage or does he just want to prevent TOH from having a life of her own that is not controlled by him.

I don't see him running back more a drunken stagger!
I can't speak for TOh but I do think sometimes yes it is like flicking a switch, everyone has a point of no return-well nearly everyone.
Maybe B has shown TOH what good men are like, something she has not been used to in a very long time I guess.
I agree it complicates things but we can't always choose the timing of these things and if he gives her the strength to grow and heal and the self belief that with or without B she is going to take charge of her own life and be happy then I say he is a blessing to her.
That said I do understand everyones concerns. It is a fine line.

[a new 2moro]

It's almost as if you switched your feelings for h onto B.

thats what scared me about the situation

BUT on the other hand back when her H first hit, pummled her when she showed up at his place to confront him and OW, she alluded to the fact that was NOT the 1st time and this beating was "her" fault I was very scared because she could not would not see him as a drunken abuser.

I hope no innocent people get hurt in this. For your safety and B's I believe as MARRIED woman you should quell this R with B. your H has the history and capability to do physical harm. A good L can get you out of this M quickly. TOH it will be worth the wait in so many ways.

[Creed]

"TOH it will be worth the wait in so many ways."

Couldn't have said it better.

You are still married...even if you NOW look at it as in 'name only'. What is B doing getting so involved with a still married woman. Being friends and being supportive, but he should in no way be a party to the issues between you and your H. If you're worth the wait for him...then he'll wait until you are legally divorced from H...and back off until then. I know you agree that it would be better if he did, but he refuses to. This is where TOH takes control of the situation and tells B the way things have to be for right now. This will protect both you and him from a heap of pain and trouble down the road.

What's going on in your life right now isn't any different thatn what your H looked at as his 'right' to do when he wasn't happy with you anymore. You're having the same feelings he did. And now he's the one that's lost control and is begging for a 2nd chance. I'm certainly not the one that can say whether he's worth that chance or not....but I DO know that it wasn't that long ago that you wanted to hear those words from him. Does he mean them? I wouldn't know....he probably doesn't know either. But this is where you could see if he would see a counsellor. If not for the two of you...for him. And I do think you seeing a counselor would be a great idea.

You can't just jump from the type of crisis you've been living the last couple of years into another relationship so quickly and think that it isn't going to have a huge impact on any new relationship you might want. Didn't you say B is recently divorced too? And where does daughter fit into any of this...how is her take on mom dating/involved while still married to Dad?

I don't know TOH. I wouldn't give much creedence to what your H promised unless he followed through on it...but I also wouldn't put much creedence on what B is promising you...because neither of you are in the position to follow through at this time.

I still hope you and B remain good friends, and that you take some time now, and if you follow through on D, to grow on your own, with no man romantically involved.

Divorce is not meant to be a time of running around and having fun. It should be a grave time of consideration and evaluation...and healing in ones own time.

Whatever you decide, let your faith grow....and listen to Gods messages to you.

[Creed]

"TOH it will be worth the wait in so many ways."

Couldn't have said it better.

You are still married...even if you NOW look at it as in 'name only'. What is B doing getting so involved with a still married woman. Being friends and being supportive, but he should in no way be a party to the issues between you and your H. If you're worth the wait for him...then he'll wait until you are legally divorced from H...and back off until then. I know you agree that it would be better if he did, but he refuses to. This is where TOH takes control of the situation and tells B the way things have to be for right now. This will protect both you and him from a heap of pain and trouble down the road.

What's going on in your life right now isn't any different thatn what your H looked at as his 'right' to do when he wasn't happy with you anymore. You're having the same feelings he did. And now he's the one that's lost control and is begging for a 2nd chance. I'm certainly not the one that can say whether he's worth that chance or not....but I DO know that it wasn't that long ago that you wanted to hear those words from him. Does he mean them? I wouldn't know....he probably doesn't know either. But this is where you could see if he would see a counsellor. If not for the two of you...for him. And I do think you seeing a counselor would be a great idea.

You can't just jump from the type of crisis you've been living the last couple of years into another relationship so quickly and think that it isn't going to have a huge impact on any new relationship you might want. Didn't you say B is recently divorced too? And where does daughter fit into any of this...how is her take on mom dating/involved while still married to Dad?

I don't know TOH. I wouldn't give much creedence to what your H promised unless he followed through on it...but I also wouldn't put much creedence on what B is promising you...because neither of you are in the position to follow through at this time.

I still hope you and B remain good friends, and that you take some time now, and if you follow through on D, to grow on your own, with no man romantically involved.

Divorce is not meant to be a time of running around and having fun. It should be a grave time of consideration and evaluation...and healing in ones own time.

Whatever you decide, let your faith grow....and listen to Gods messages to you.

[theotherhalf]

best not to look too far into the future because non of us know what that will hold.

This is one hard lesson I have learned through all this. I've always lived my life on hopes and dreams. Always knew what I wanted. That all changed 2 years ago. Still I hung on. Through a very hard process I truly learned that all we really have is today. I have no idea where this road is taking me. No matter where it goes. I am will be okay.

Just ask yourself one question IF it all comes to nothing with B will you still be happy with D your H ?

I have asked myself this many many times. The answer is plainly there. Yes, I have no doubts.

Maybe happy is not the right word, will you still think deep in your heart that you did the only thing you could do at this stage in your marriage?

The other morning when the man I have loved so deeply. My best freind. Came to me and got down on his knees in front of me and cried. Asked me to take him back. When I looked into his eyes I hurt for him. I love him. But now in a different way. I knew then and there that I had only one choice. In my heart I knew that I had to proceed with the divorce.

[theotherhalf]

but now those words don't matter.

I trully believe they are just words. I know that he means them at the time. But tomorrow is a new day. If he would have came to me on his own, before the D papers were served. Then I would have believed them. Then they would have came from his heart. Now they are just out of desperation because he is finally faced with trully losing me. He never ever thought I'd leave.

I don't know, something just doesn't feel right. It's almost as if you switched your feelings for h onto B. Only you know what is best for your life.

Everyone is thinking this. I understand their thoughts and concerns. I've thought the same. But it really is just bad timing. B has not pushed me in anyway. He has not asked anything of me. He really has nothing to do with my decision to D. Honestly he's just fell into my life at the wrong time.

It's nice though that your h is realizing that he wants to work on the M. The minute you dropped the rope, it looks like he came running back.

It's not nice. It's sad. And I am mad as hell at him. Where was he a year ago. Why did he wait until it was too late. He came running back out of desperation and selfishness.

[theotherhalf]

Call me skeptical or a cynic BUT Actions speak louder than Words.

Exactly! He claims to now love me. Want to grow old with me. To not hurt me anymore. That he'll go to counceling. He'll quit drinking. Then he throws his fits and calls me every name in the book. He has threatened to physically harm me. He has said he'll fight me till its all gone and I'll get nothing. He continues to drink. He has turned some of his family on me. He embarassed me at work to find out who B is. He has threatened B, blaming him for the D. He is still a very hurting/hurtful man. He's a coward. He's selfish. He's sick. He's cruel. Yes actions speak MUCH louder than words.

everyone has a point of no return-well nearly everyone.

Exactly! My moment I think was back a couple of months ago. H had been calling me early am on the weekends. Drunk. Asking me to come to his place for sex. I had been saying no. Hurt like hell but I had to stop this for me. The last time he asked I said no then asked him what he was going to do, go find it somewhere else. He said he did not have to look that the women were lined up all over. He said actually all he had to do is make a phone call (to OW) OUCH! I said I know and if you want a whore you called the wrong number. The next morning it was like a lead balloon had hit me. No more! I deserve SOOO much better than this. It's like that statement in an instant changed my feelings for him. That was what started my decision to FINALLY file for D.

Maybe B has shown TOH what good men are like, something she has not been used to in a very long time I guess.
I agree it complicates things but we can't always choose the timing of these things and if he gives her the strength to grow and heal and the self belief that with or without B she is going to take charge of her own life and be happy then I say he is a blessing to her.
That said I do understand everyones concerns. It is a fine line.

B has shown me what a GENUINE good guy is like. I don't know that I could find one person that would have one bad thing to say about him. And I have known him a long time. I have never ever experienced this. No one has ever treated me so kindly.

And yes, bad timing. Not good, but just is.

He is like sunshine in a very dark world. I WILL be just fine. Like snodderly said. It's time for TOH to soar. Time will only tell if I do that solo or with someone else.

[a new 2moro]

B has shown me what a GENUINE good guy is like

Uhmmm......genuinely good guys dont get involved with married women

TOH I know you are putting any spin you can on this to make it look ok

You cant...lets look at this another way.

Your L has an uphill battle with your past behaviors on the plate. You are on probation for gosh sakes , it will be dragged thru the divorce. Your past behaviors are well documented. Your L has to make you looked like the wronged one here to get you something.

And there you are seeing someone while still married. So the timing is bad....no one is gonna see that, just volitile you having an affair.....yes the same thing your H did to you. The timing looks like you dumped your H for another man no matter which came first.

you live in a small town and dont you think for one minute tongues wont be be wagging and your H coniving as he is is doing damage control.

Please for your sake and B's cool your jets until the ink is dry....TOH do the dignified, classy, and morally right thing here

one more thing...how would feel if B got hurt or worse by your looney H. Could you live with that??? Would these few extra weeks really be worth it????