Starting to get "It" #2

[sandi2]

Well, I tried to give the parents the benefit of the doubt, but I think they have gone way too far now. Who ever heard of a woman who was 36 years old having her parents go with her to her IC to get this problem settled? You are right; it is crazy. Your wife is an adult and they are treating her like a child. It is as if she has nothing to say in the matter. I don’t blame her for wanting to move away from them. In fact, their controling ways may be the root of her problem in the MR. With her mother being the way she is.....there is not telling what kind of influence she has had on your wife.

“W is hurt by all of this and she even said to me today that if they don't stop she is going to move away. I told her that I wouldn't let her move away and she said I couldn't stop her and I said you will not move our kids away from me. Her parents will not tell her what they are mad about. My MIL is crazy! She is bi-polar and if she ever gets stressed, there is hell to pay and its usually my W that gets it.”

Let me talk about something here. It is good, as I said before, that your in-laws support you, but it is not good that they are placing you in the middle of them and your wife. That is a lose-lose situation. Now, I know you did not realize how that above statement you made to your wife sounded. I know the first thing that popped into your mind was the thought of her trying to move off with your kids. But……what she “heard” from you was you siding with the enemy (her parents). She felt hurt and betrayed by you......who should be protecting her. Yes, it is good when the in-laws support you, and at first I thought that was what they were doing, but now, I think it is plain control. If I'm not getting my stitches confused, didn't they even decide to pull back on the money? That is treating you like children. That is why is is hard working for relatives.

I don’t know if this is the wisest advice in the world or not, but it comes from a gal that suffered at the hands of a MIL that ruled her children and their families after they married. I truly believe with all my heart that if we would have moved off away from her where she couldn’t call or come by to see us every day, and keep close tabs on our business--that our M would have been much more successful. Her interference caused me very much misery.

In your W’s case, she feels that her own family is down on her instead of giving her support. This is just my opinion but if you could get a job away in another area where your little family would far enough away from her family bossing you and her like you two were little kids, it would make a huge difference. Right now, I even think she would see you as her Knight in Shinning Armor that has recued her from them and the misery they represent to her. She has already threathened to do it without you, but in her heart she is hoping you will take the bull by the horns and lead the way.

Her family may mean well and don’t realize how controlling they are, but I can testify to the fact it will ruin a good R between a couple. I hope you will not allow that to happen. Maybe it was b/c of her mother (or the rest of her family) that played a part in making her feel like she did toward you and the M and to turn to another person. She is miserable and she wants to be whisked away and ride off into the sunset with her knight so they can live happily ever after. Okay, so we know it isn’t that simple. But, I think that is what she wants never-the-less. The good thing is that she is wanting to make this work with you. Her feelings are confused and maybe she is numbed by all the other crap going on……but I believe she still loves you very much. I think she is hoping that you will be her hero.

As far your friends that are going through M problems, separating, divorcing, etc. I really hate that, but let me say this regarding being around them and, as you said, “learning from them”. I am afraid for you to do that. The reason is that you have all you can carry on your plate right now and you need to just focus on you and your wife…….not your friends problems as well. I know that that sounds terribly selfish, but it isn’t that you are being selfish, but it is your survival plan. You must put your M first, even before your friends. It is like trying to save a drowning man and he is fighting you and ends up drowning both of you. So, as hard as it may be…….I really think that you and your W do not need to be around all that negative atmosphere. If you are around your buddy and he is down and out over his wife and M……do you honestly think that is going to pick you up and make you feel better? No, you are going to put his problems on the plate with yours. The two of you will start talking about women and how crazy they are.....you don't need that! If everything else was okay, then fine……that is what you would need to do, but I think you need to explain to your friends that it breaks your heart that this is happening to them, but you have to pour all of your time, energy, attention and work into trying to save your M first……and the fact is that they need to do the same thing. It is different with your personal friends than it is here on the DB board. B/c even though we care about each other, etc., it is just not the same as with the people you hang out with, etc. I’m not suggesting you never see them again! I just don’t think it would be a good idea to form some type of “group therapy” with each other at this time. All of you need to be in different IC or MC for help b/c you all know each other and the spouses too well and it gets too personal (if you know what I mean). Anyway, that is my take on it and even though I did not explain it very well, I have a strong gut feeling about that. You really need to find new friends at Church or other positive places that takes your mind off of your M problems instead of focusing it on them all the time. Being at Church may cause you to focus on it, but it would be in a growing productive way.

Well, I feel that I am the one that has rambled again. But I hope you see what I’m trying to explain. You are having a difficult time keeping your moods and emotions on an even keel and I think being around others that are in a negative mood and upset is not going to be a good thing. Hope you stay “balanced” with that piece of advice, okay?

Back to your R with your W and her parents. If you work for your FIL, it probably makes him and the MIL feel as though they have a free ticket to tell you two how to live, how to raise your kids, and about everything else. They may be fine people………but fine people fall into the habit of doing this to their adult children. Before she M you, her parents were suppose to protect her. But now, it is your duty to protect her………even if it is from her own family members. The hardest thing for you to do will be to lay down some boundaries for “them”. Such as, no asking “you” things they should be asking her. Nothing that puts you in the middle. Or else tell them not to be asking her those types of questions...period. I think she feels weak at this time and wants desperately to lean on her H for his strength. There were times when I would be turned inside out and upside down emotionally and all I wanted was to be held and to know that I was secure, safe, protected, and loved. Not judged, not scolded, not questioned, but just held in strong loving arms that would keep me that way as long as I needed.

Well, hope you have a good weekend. Keep doing what works. I hope you will think about what I have said.

Sandi