Questions

[xalelle]

I want to ask something. What does it mean when you ask a spouse to take away your hope and tell you that they want a divorce and they won't do it?

You are not going to like this answer, but what it means is YOU ARE NOT DBing, you are absolutely doing the wrong thing. STOP pushing him - you are just appearing controlling, and he has told you that he isnt ready to do that, so take it as it is, accept that you slipped and luckily he gave you some insight - he isnt sure, so you have the opportunity to improve things.

There is a time for many situations where you need to say "its over" - read here about LRT (Last Resort Technique) and very much about "dropping the rope". LRT is called that for exactly that reason, it is a last resort, and can very well end up in ending the relationship. LRT is basically deciding you are ready to move on or move forward, but either way you lay down the law, and you state it is over and file. In some cases this reverses the situation and wakes up the WAS.. but it is not something to count on, you must be absolutely ready at that point to accept and FOLLOW THROUGH on ending things. You are not here yet!

Dropping the rope on the other hand is a little less heavy handed - it is the theory that all relationships are like a rope, with each spouse holding one end, pulling each other together.. sometimes both are holding close to the middle of the rope, sometimes one or both are further towards the end. Dropping the rope means not pulling on your end at all, in fact letting it go completely and taking care of yourself. You need to do this.

He says he knows that he doesn't want to be with me right now, but that he can't say he wants a divorce and never wants to be with me. He says he doesn't feel right asking me to wait for him for however long it takes him to decide. He then goes on to list could be a year, two years, or five years as he doesn't really know. He is enjoying doing things for himself and not being responsible.

Just accept these statements, put them on a back shelf, and STOP ASKING. Learn how to not talk about the M at all, this is an absolute must!

I begged him and cried and pleaded with him to tell me that he doesn't ever want me back and he can't do that. Can only say he doesn't want me right now. HELP!!!!! I got my book today and will be reading it as I can. I offered to let him read it in a hysterical kind of way and had to apologize. I just want him to know where I am coming from. Anywho, got to get back to work. I'll post to more threads on Wednesday when I am not working. Oh forgot to mention, I do have my appointment to get my hair done on Wednesday.

Stop begging for anything, stop pleading - WAS see this as very negative - why would anyone want to be with someone who is begging, crying, pleading. Be strong and just stop this! And once you have stopped - you will still slip, trust me, I have been there many times, including the beginning of my current situation, but it is very damaging. Every time you slip to begging, you fall back a few steps.. hard won steps! Please take heart in the fact that he cant say he wants to permanently end it, that is a good sign. Not to get your hopes up too far, you still have a very long way to go, and it may be a very long time.

READ THE BOOK, read the forums, learn what dosnt work and dont do it. When you do slip and do a dont, brush yourself off and forgive yourself and start over.

Lastly, on the hair and changes - make sure you are doing this for you. anything you do to intentionally please your WAS will just push him away..