I'm feeling so discouraged

[PortlandDad]

Meli,
It sounds like your family get-together went really well. By your account I would say that you are doing awesome in your DBing.

I'm interested to know how your H reacted when you brought over the food and the sheets on Sunday, though. Is that something that you would normally have done, or would that be considered a 180 on your part? Do you think that he saw what you were doing as just being a friend, or do you think he could see that as pursuit? Now he did ask you to come over, which sounds like a 180 on his part, but you want to make sure that you don't backslide into pursuing behavior.

I have found that holidays are the worst for being separated because they are so full of memories of family. You start to remember the last time that "this" holiday was here and the things that you did together. Hang tough, though. It sounds like there is a lot to be hopeful about in your sitch. Don't be too accommodating and continue to work on yourself (PMA, GAL, etc.) and your kids.

[disneylove97]

It was something I would normally do, but since he asked me and initiated the contact I felt that it would be ok. One thing I didn't do was buy him a second sheet set which would have been something I did before. You should have seen me, I went into the aisle like 3 times before finally convincing myself that if he needed more he would figure out a way to get them. If anyone was watching me they would have thought I was crazy.

He helped me buy a car today. We actually spent the better part of the day together and I did really well. I was friendly and happy but didn't bring up anything about the R. We did discuss child support and I talked to him about the texting/computer thing when the kids were around. I didn't say more than what needed to be said and I didn't leave it open for any kind of discussion.

I feel like I'm doing pretty well with it all. I register for classes on Friday which is great for GAL. I don't know if he's noticing the changes and if this is working on that end, but everyday I feel a little bit stronger and more capable of doing it on my own. Baby steps right?

[disneylove97]

I just realized that I forgot to say how he reacted. He was thrilled with the food and at the store when we were getting the sheets he kept asking me what I thought and what he should get. We saw a bizzare looking woman and had a good laugh at her expense (sorry lady).

I think he thought I was bringing the kids because when I got there he was like is everyone else outside waiting and when I told him they were playing with their uncle he was like oh so you just came to drop off the food and take me to the store? Uh, yeah.

[PortlandDad]

Baby steps is definitely right. Don't doubt for one minute that your H doesn't notice the changes; he is just processing this. He sees you growing and becoming more comfortable in your sitch and with your kids. He is still going to vacillate in how he deals with you: be ready for that!

[disneylove97]

Today wasn't so good for me. I'm missing him a whole lot today. I'm trying to have a PMA but I'm so scared and worried that everything I'm doing isn't going to make any difference. I'm trying not to have high expectations right now because it's still pretty new as far as my DB'ing goes. I have to remind myself patience is key just about every minute. I feel so confident and like I'm doing so well and then boom it hits me that he's still gone and all of my PMA goes out the window. I don't know what to do when I have days like these. I mostly want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers for a few days.

[disneylove97]

I think all of the contact this weekend was too much for me. I loved it, but at the same time when it's done and there's no reason to see him it's such a let down. It also underlines how much is missing with him gone.

I'm kind of confused as to where to go from here. I mean, I'm doing some things that seem to be getting results but then what?

Do I just stay dim until he makes more of a move? Do I continue doing my 180 of no contact even after the conversation has ended but there was something else I wanted to say? Is it really supposed to be the hard and confusing? I feel like I'm second guessing everything that I do and it makes less sense after I do that.

It looks like I need some more work.

[PortlandDad]

There are going to be good days and bad days in all of this. The bad days invariably follow the really good ones because the optimists in all of us move that emotional bar up a few notches, and then today just doesn't measure up.

When that happens, change your focus. Make today about something you can work on, or that you can feel good about. I have found that when I leave a task "almost" finished (like finishing a model that I have been working on, or cleaning up my bill drawer) and then coming back to it on the day after a good day with the W really helps me avoid being down. Maybe that's just me, and your mileage may vary.

By your account you are doing great, so don't start second-guessing yourself now. It is supposed to be hard, and it will continue to be hard, but the rewards are a better you and hopefully and better M.

[disneylove97]

Thanks PD you're right as usual.

I'm trying to hang on to the thought that I'm becoming a better person through all of this. For the most part I can see it and feel it . . . there are just times when I find it hard to get out of the funk of missing him.

I was thinking about it and I've only been DB'ing for a few weeks. It's going to take longer than that for things to start improving. I have to keep that in mind when I see him or things happen.

I'm still trying not to read every little thing that he says or does. I'm also working on trying not to focus on what he may be doing in this new life of his. It's killing me to go from being so highly involved in his life to being an outsider. It's also really hard for me to understand what the heck is going on in his mind. I realize that's not something that I may ever know and that even putting any energy towards it is a waste of time. I know this in my head, but my heart isn't listening so well.

[disneylove97]

I think I may be in an overly sensitive mood right now. I usually take the kids to his house after I get out of work for the weekend. Well today he texts me saying that his friend/room mate is going to be in my town picking up his dog and he can pick you the kids while he was here. He said it was to save me the trip and the gas. My first thought is that he just doesn't want to see me and this is the easiest way for him to keep me from coming over. Most of me doesn't believe that and just takes his reason as what it was. There's just that part of me that feels like everything he does is because he doesn't want to be around me.

I've also been thinking about something for a few days and really don't know what to do. My sister and her fiancee live in another state. Aside from my mother who lives here, she is my only other family. They have offered to let me and the kids live with them while I go back to school. I have wanted to leave this state for years, but my H has always refused. I feel like if I don't do something now before things progress I will be stuck here for at least 10 more years until the kids get older. The only thing that would be keeping me here right now is my H. We moved here because it's his home state and he wanted to raise the kids in his hometown. I literally gave up everything to move here for him and now that he's left I have nothing in this state. It's his family and his friends. Everything here is his.

The thing is, I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize our chances of reconciliation. I don't know how he would react if I were to actually leave. My best guess is that he would be angry that I took the kids. Well that's a duh statement. I don't know what's going on in his head right now so I have no way of gauging what his reaction would be. Should I even be considering his reaction? Is this an instance where I need to do what's right for me and the kids and hope for the best?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[PortlandDad]

Hi Meli,
I wouldn't call what you are in as an overly-sensitive mood. You are just in the shadow of a really nice time with your H last weekend. It's part and parcel of the roller-coaster. In a way, its almost a synergistic occurrence: the WAS gets really close to the LBS for one or two days, which makes the LBS think that things are really starting to warm up, and then *poof* just like that, the WAS withdraws just as quickly because they are afraid things are warming up, and the LBS is now 50 ft in the air without a parachute!

Don't worry about what his motivation is for having his friend pick up the kids: you can't read his mind, nor would you want to. Put that energy to good use on something constructive! With the kids out for the night, treat yourself to a nice dinner and movie, or take a stroll at the mall and do some window shopping.

As far as moving is concerned, I'm not one to give a lot of advice. Most of the books I've read about divorcing and reconciling say not to make any life-altering decisions while you are in the midst of fighting for your M. You say that if you don't leave soon that you may never be able to leave? why exactly is that? Is it because the kids will be too far along in school, or have established friends, or is it some other reason? I can tell you that I have uprooted my family a few times, the last being in 2006 when my kids were 15, 11, and 10. There were a few adjustments to be made, but my youngest two really enjoy where we live now, and my oldest tolerates it ok.

Let me say this: your H is in the middle of a sitch where he thinks that the grass is greener "over there". Is there any truth to the possibility that you also think that the grass would be greener for you "over in the other state"? I guess it would be one thing if you already had friends there, but you've mentioned that your mom lives where you are now, so it isn't as though you don't have family around, yes?

What about your sister and fiance? Even though they have extended the invitation for you to move to be with them, what sort of imposition would that be for them? Of course they love you and their niece and nephews, but you wouldn't want to overstay your welcome and have them regret helping you. And then there is the legal aspect to consider, too. If your H has been against moving out of state, how would he react to you bringing up the topic now that you are separated? I'm not savvy about the laws in Michigan, but he may have some legal recourse to take that could prevent you from taking the kids out of the state.

There's a lot to think about, and probably a ton more stuff that only you can fathom at the moment. I would only advise to tread lightly and not make a hasty decision one way or the other. Depending on how you think your H might take the news, you may just want to probe him gently about his thoughts about you taking the kids out of the state... something like, "You know my crazy sister? She offered to let me and kids stay with her for a few months; isn't that crazy?" and see what he says.