Thanks for that. You're right, I am stuck in a very negative place. I think it is my safe place, which is why I revert to it. I am aware of it, but I do need reminders. Especially the thing about the fivesome. I should have looked at that in a better way. I guess the part of me that wants to be a real fivesome hears those words as so hollow.
I think too much. (I can almost hear the collective sarcastic gasp~ at the very least one from Jack!) I want to believe things, but then again I don't want to blindly believe.
Let me give you quick examples from the last couple of days:
On Saturday we celebrated Easter, as 2 of the kids had to work on Sunday. He left here very late Sat. night, and when I offered him some leftovers he said, "no, that's my rat hat." That is a Seinfeld reference--- George left a hat behind in a woman's apartment so he could guarantee a return visit. I won't go into why we say it is a rat hat- if you've seen the episode you'd know. Anyway... he called here on Sunday about noon. He said he would be over later- that he had some work to do in the house (very extensive renovations). All was positive and nice.
By 7:30 I had not heard from him. Middle child had been home from work and was preparing to go back to school. So, I texted him: Just wanted to let you know that (youngest child) is not here and (middle child) is getting ready to leave soon.
He called our son and basically said, "sorry I missed you- I will try to come visit this week."
OK, I admit, I was put off. Hurt, angry...call it what you will. He called my phone but I was off helping my son get his stuff together and I missed the call. Basically he said the same thing- "I'm sorry I missed you guys." He also asked for me to call.
Well, I didn't call. I figured I would say something dumb and I didn't want to go down that route. So, I did nothing. About an hour later I got a text: "sorry I missed you guys."
OK, now I was upset. He didn't "miss" us. He didn't show up! Isn't that different? I do have to say, when he called in the afternoon he really only talked about putting up some framing. I don't know if it was wrong to assume it wouldn't take too long...not 7+ hours.
I didn't answer the text. I needed time away from the sitch.
The next day I texted: I don't know what happened. Him: Me either! I wanted to talk to you. Me: I didn't know what to say. We went from you'd be over later to "sorry I missed you." There was really nothing to say to that.
He called me later, and the first thing he said was that when he got my text he was all ready to come over---he said, "I had dark jeans and a new shirt on and everything!" (something he knew I would like) I said that I didn't know why he didn't come then. He said that he got really involved in what he was doing and didn't realize it was so late. When he got my text he thought it meant I didn't want him to come. I asked why he thought that, since all I did was inform him of what was happening. He said that is just how he works--- assuming the worst. I said I understood, since when he just answered with "sorry I missed you" it meant he didn't want to come. In the end, he said that he doesn't know why he doesn't think like a "normal" person- that he sees now that he should have picked up the phone to say "hey, time got away from me!" but that the thought honestly never occured to him. He was getting a lot done and he just didn't think.
He said that after he texted he just went back to work. He said something two times about being really depressed over what happened. I mention this only because that is a really taboo word for him.
I said it sounded like we both made assumptions that we shouldn't have. We agreed to just let it go (instead of me talking it to death as I tend to do).
So, on Monday he came here, on Tuesday he said he would be here but called to say that he wasn't feeling well and would see me Wed. He did come last night, and we had a nice time together. We sat together on a chair and talked for quite a while.
At one point he said, "oh, I know you asked about doing something this weekend- can we do it later? I have got to get that bathroom done, and I just don't have the time (on Sat. he is going to be with son all day and night working on his car). He told me that his dad was coming (from out of state next weekend) to help him gut the kitchen and that he cannot start on that while the bathroom still isn't done.
I was disappointed, but I tried to not act too upset. I do understand that this is how he works....but I also don't want to make excuses for him. In other words, I don't want to be the dummy thinking that he is working on the house when he is really out doing something else. I have offered to help him, yet he really never takes me up on that. His reasoning has been that he wants this to be all his own- that we have always gone with my taste and ideas and he wants to do this alone.
He asked if I was mad and I said "no." That was honest. I said that I understood, but that I was just disappointed since I was looking forward to it. We still sat and talked for a bit until it was time for him to go.
I guess I shouldn't have added the "disappointed" part. I just didn't want him to read "mad" into it.
So, everything is neatly explained away....but I fear believing it.
I guess we can focus on the positives:
We have talked every day since early last week (I was trying to pinpoint it but couldn't- it's been so long).
He is calling daily.
We sat together last night and talked for a good hour.
He brought up the weekend instead of avoiding it.
So, that's where I am. Trying not to be negative, but being cautious. I guess there's a thin line between those two things for me. That's why I come here- to put it out there and get the perspective of people who understand where I am coming from. Most people around me would say, "you're too good for him! Why are you doing this to yourself???"
