Toward the end of February my wife of 5 years told me that she wanted a divorce. We had our ups and downs, but as recently as 2 weeks before she made this announcement she posted on her Facebook Page that being married to me was the best thing that ever happened to her. We have two young kids.
Part of the problem is that I have a disease. Not a big deal now that I am diagnosed (I was diagnosed a week or two before she dropped the bomb). but before I was diagnosed it made me really fatigued and irritable. I now know that my wife felt that I was joyless, not a good father to our two young kids, anti-social, and that I made her feel that everything she did was not good enough. In my defense I was really worn down by a physical condition and really tried to make her feel loved, and tried to have fun with the kids.
Anyway, this came, for me, out of nowhere. We were in counseling a year ago briefly, and we had certainly had some real rough patches, but I didn't know how bad she was feeling. Our friends are all shocked. We were a good couple. We really loved each other and even more we liked each other. She was my best friend.
She has served me papers, proposed terms of a divorce and told me she does not want to work on anything. No counseling. Nothing. I have my suspicions that there might be someone else, just not sure if it started before or after she asked for a divorce.
Anyway I have made a ton of mistakes in the past two months. I have begged her. I have argued with her. I have constantly checked in with her. And I have been a wounded puppy whenever she comes around. I read Divorce Busting and have ordered the Divorce Remedy.
Any advice in the short term? My plan is to give her space and to focus on being happy and a good Dad. I am letting her plan her own post-divorce life and not weighing in. I know she feels that her life has been defined by being my wife, so I am letting her have the freedom to see what it is she wants. What else? Any help appreciated. I love my wife very much and even if she is with some other guy I desperately want her back.
Yeah, don't make the same mistakes that many of us did. Don't cry in front of her, don't beg, don't plead, don't try to reason, don't try to use guilt...DON"T DO ANY OF THESE THINGS. Your heart will tell you to...but DON"T. Start working on yourself. Read, study, learn, stay here and talk with others...and try to use all of this to become a better man, father, and husband. And if you can go to counseling...I'd do that too! If you really love your wife and you're committed to her and your marriage...then honor and cherish her by giving her the time and space that she asks for. Know this...a big chunk of divorce papers that are served are NEVER finalized!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Clueless... I right there witcha... We have been going through ups and downs, but I was either too stubborn or too stupid to makethe necessary changes. She gave me several chances, but I didn't act. Now she tells me she doesn't love me anymore and wants out. This has been relatively recent (last weekend) and I find it very difficult to not ask for forgiveness, tell her I'll change, tell her I love her, cry, reason, etc. etc... I have received this advice too. I plan on starting to work on myself. We are still living under the same roof and she has no specific plans for a divorce, house sale, etc., so maybe there's a chance...
Yeah, don't make the same mistakes that many of us did. Don't cry in front of her, don't beg, don't plead, don't try to reason, don't try to use guilt...DON"T DO ANY OF THESE THINGS. Your heart will tell you to...but DON"T.
I already did all of that. I cried. I begged. I offered great things if we stayed together. I guilted over the kids. I realize now how much I blew it.
What is tricky is that she says I never loved her. That I just don't want to be divorced. I worry about acting non-chalant in that it will feed into her belief that I never loved her anyway and give her confidence that she is going down the right road.
Also, I have to admit there is some part of me going crazy over the thought of another guy.
Quote:
Know this...a big chunk of divorce papers that are served are NEVER finalized!
I'd really love to know what percent of people who use these techniques after geting served pull it off. I imagine that doesn't exist.
Anyway thanks for the advice. I like to think I'm a relatively smart guy. Evidently, I'm clueless.
[quote=Duly Noted] What is tricky is that she says I never loved her. That I just don't want to be divorced. I worry about acting non-chalant in that it will feed into her belief that I never loved her anyway and give her confidence that she is going down the right road.
From what I have read so far this is where talking to her while looking her in the eyes comes in. Keep in mind I am hurting and reading everything I can also so there might be better answers out there for this. I think if I show her I respect her then she will begin to feel the love I have for her also.
Me - 32 Wife - 30 No kids She left 4/1/09 - Left for another man Filed 4/13/09 - Served 4/18/09
Yeah, don't make the same mistakes that many of us did. Don't cry in front of her, don't beg, don't plead, don't try to reason, don't try to use guilt...DON"T DO ANY OF THESE THINGS. Your heart will tell you to...but DON"T.
I already did all of that. I cried. I begged. I offered great things if we stayed together. I guilted over the kids. I realize now how much I blew it.
What is tricky is that she says I never loved her. That I just don't want to be divorced. I worry about acting non-chalant in that it will feed into her belief that I never loved her anyway and give her confidence that she is going down the right road.
Also, I have to admit there is some part of me going crazy over the thought of another guy.
Quote:
Know this...a big chunk of divorce papers that are served are NEVER finalized!
I'd really love to know what percent of people who use these techniques after geting served pull it off. I imagine that doesn't exist.
Anyway thanks for the advice. I like to think I'm a relatively smart guy. Evidently, I'm clueless.
Then join the club! You didn't blow it. Just don't do it anymore.
She tries to convince herself of that to justify what she is doing! She knows you love her. Don't believe anything she says right now.
Deal with 'what is'...don't add to your burden by fretting over 'what isn't'!
I don't know what the % is...I just know that it happens, and that there are certain things we can do that will increase the liklihood of that happening.
You're here...and it's a good place to be. Read, study, learn, and talk to other folks here.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I have a couple of questions that I would love some advice on please:
1. What do I do about money? My wife hasn't worked since she became pregnant with our first 5 years ago. I have always paid all the bills and handled the money. I get the feeling that it is part of the paternalistic element she is fighting against. But I don't know how to involve her in the bill paying/finances without seeming like I am trying to find a way to spend time with her.
2. I have been lovingly detached for a few days now. I can feel my wife building toward a "are you mad at me?" moment. What do I do if she asks? What if she asks why I seem so distant? It seems obvious but I don't know how to handle it.
3. My wife has this way of looking at me in this sad way that says, "I'm sad about what is going on. Say something." She has done it twice since she asked for a divorce. Both times I blew it and set to begging. What should I do if she does it again? Do I engage and say "you look upset? Do you want to talk about it?" Or do I just ignore it? What is the protocol?
If this is your Ws decision to D, then let her deal with it. This is what loving detachment means. She is a big girl, she will figure it out.
Originally Posted By: clueless
What do I do if she asks? What if she asks why I seem so distant? It seems obvious but I don't know how to handle it.
Just say that you are evaluating and dealing with the situation and leave it at that. Your actions will speak much louder than any words that you can say to her right now. Start GAL, doing 180s and acting "as if" things are all right.
Originally Posted By: clueless
What should I do if she does it again? Do I engage and say "you look upset? Do you want to talk about it?" Or do I just ignore it? What is the protocol?
Do not initiate talks about the R. Act nonchalant when she is around. If she starts a talk abut the R, don't goad her or prod her to talk, just listen to her and look her in the eyes when she does talk. For your part, you have to put emotion aside and just LISTEN.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
If this is your Ws decision to D, then let her deal with it. This is what loving detachment means. She is a big girl, she will figure it out.
Sorry I wasn't clear. We are not at all financially split at this point. I am currently paying all the bills. We are putting our house on the market in a couple of weeks, but we decided until the divorce that financially we would continue as if we were married. She is very good about not spending money, so I'm nto worried about that. Just wondering if I need to find a way to involve her in the finances in the short terms or if I should just lay low.
Thanks very much for the answers on the other questions. They seem very astute.
