It's a long story, but I was just married in September of last year. We met through an online dating site about a year and a half ago. We hit it off immediately. We quickly fell in love, talked to all hours of the morning, exchanged e-mails and texts every day. We were both professionals, career-oriented and made a very good combined income. There was intense passion and sexual desire, and we avidly discussed spending our lives together. I loved her family, and they were very enthusiastic and accepting of our relationship.
After the marriage, we bought a house and moved in. From there it went downhill. All of this stress rather quickly interrupted any romantic bliss that may have been there. The immediate living arrangements were very difficult on me and I really didn't go out of my way to build a relationshiop with her daughters. I could tell this new family blending process was going to be a challenge for me. Living together has proved to be extremely difficult, as we seem to disagree on everything, with her wanting me to loosen up and me wanting her to support me with my opinions. As a result, intimacy disappeared and sex became non-existent. That very quickly moved us to marriage counseling. My negative, critical and controlling attitude also didn’t help a bit, and alcohol was also an issue…
We've been going to counseling, but progress has only been made in fits and starts... nothing lasting.
Went to counseling last night... Not good. She made it clear that she does not see a future with us. I told her to give us a chance and she said she couldn't because she doesn't love me anymore. We are still living under the same roof which makes it difficult. She doesn't want to do anything until summer for the kids' sake. She did make it clear that she doesn't want me pushing the issue because it drives her away. She has never absolutely said that it is definitely over... She stops short of that. She says that is the way she feels "right now." I asked to keep her options open (I know.. I'm pushing) and she said okay. She said if I worked on me and she saw some changes that changed her heart, she would not deny it. But for now, the answer is no... because that's the way she feels. I asked her if we were still acting like man & wife and respecting our vows, and she said of course... She still hugs me and lets me kiss her. She didn't even shrink back at the notion of sex, although I shouldn't have brought it up at this point... Hey, I felt like I was on a roll, so I went for it. I told her that I was not giving up on us. I love her too much to simply give up.
She is very level headed and knows what she wants, or at least I thought that when she was in love with me. Does anyone think that there is a chance to win her love back? I am really hurting and struggling with the notion that there is a chance versus the very real devastation of this being the end.
Yes there is a chance. Get yer behind to a bookstore and begin reading!!! There is lots for you to understand. Read up on blended families and how you (as the step-parent) need to understand your role in this new family. Read up on the differences between male-female communication, such as the Mars/Venus books. Read up on how to show her your love, such as The 5 Love Languages. Read everything you can about controlling your own controlling nature, how to be softer and how you will certainly lose a woman's love if you don't figure it out. Women just can't handle the stiff, mean, or controlling/combative nature of men...the men must learn to soften it. Men have no problen with each other when the combative thing comes up between them, but to a woman it is a poison to her and to her love for you. Learn this quickly!
Thanks DQ... I intend on stopping drinking immediately and going to an individual therapist. I've been reading alot. My concern is that she's totally made up her mind, and I can't seem to stop pushing her, professing my love, asking for a chance... Maybe I have that chance, but she's not directly saying it... She even said that she wouldn't consider trying because she's not in love, but she wants to take everything really slow and hasn't addressed specifics. When I talk to her about making this dramatic change, she seems to listen... This morning, I told I wanted to start building a relationship with her daughters and I wanted them to love me. She said I should show them I love them first. What is she saying? Anything? She also asked what I was going to do about the relationship with my son? I told her I wasn't giving up.. I loved her too much. I told her I was totally being positive witht this. She said "good." Am I reading in something that I want to hear?
In addition to her daughters, I have a son living with us that she thinks I should be doing things with...
I haven't read any books on blending families... But I am certainly up for it.
What do you think about the wait until summer to start sorting through this (because of the kids school)? Is she leaving a window open? That's only six weeks away...
Ok stop drinking immediately, that's the first step as you said.
Second step is to really understand parenting. If she feels you should be doing things with your son, and that you haven't bonded with her daughters, then you probably are really missing the mark with your kids and step-kids. Read all the books you can find on this topic and become a better parent. That alone will increase her attraction to you!
Then read the DB book, have you ordered it yet??
As for her declaration to when this split up might occur...you will have to learn patience and detachment here. That is the noose around the neck of all LBS's here (left behind spouses). It is difficult, but you have no choice. You must just accept what comes, but at the same time, divorce-bust your butt off in the hope that there will be another chance for you and her.
But I can say as a woman, if my man wasn't being a good parent, had a "negative, critical and controlling" attitude, I'd want out, too. So first and foremost, learn how to stop that right away and become a good parent! THEN after you've learned these things, you will have a chance at reconciling with her. Without those things, you won't.
Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting - all of the people here are working from the knowledge in these books to improve their lives and their relationships. They can be purchased here on line, or in almost any book store. Get them. Really, and start reading.
It is not over buddy, but you have a lot of work to do. Start reading...
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
Yesterday morning, I told my wife that wanted to keep this marriage and family intact. I told her I wanted a relationship with her girls. My wife said, "You could start by loving my girls." I told her that I was finding a therapist and I wasn't giving up.
Yesterday, as quitting time approached, I got a call from my wife asking if I wanted to join her and the girls for dinner. My heart leapt. Maybe she was embracing my desires... Dinner went well, and then after dinner, I asked "How about ice cream?" Everyone was so stuffed that no one was really up for it. However, her youngest asked "What about healthy?" There is a story to this, as one of my obsessive points to drive home was to eat healthy (wheat bread, low sugar, low fat, etc.) This became quite the point of contention. My wife's daughter is overweight and her mother is very protective. There was really no way I could ever communicate anything around this subject to my wife. Too hurtful and too touchy, but I did anyway. Anyway, back to dinner... When my wife's daughter asked "What about healthy?" I responded by saying, "I've learned that there are far more important things than "healthy"."
When we got home I offered to help pack bags for the girls to go to their dad's for the weekend. I helped my step-daughter with her homework and I helped tuck-in/say prayers.
Afterward, my wife commented that it was a good night, and she iterated that the dinner was for the kids because they have been wanting to go out. My selfish side was let down (I know, it's all about me) because I was hoping that at least in part it was a new begining for the family, and perhaps it was that too... sort of a goodwill gesture to say, okay... you want this family, here's the kick-off event. We talked a bit more about what I said after dinner and how picky I had become with keeping the house pristine (another distance causing obsession early in the marriage). I told her that it was silly to be so picky about a house, when in the grand scheme of things, we were now perhaps going to sell it. Some things are just more important than others...
My wife commented that she was very surprised to see the things I had done that evening. She said that she had built a wall to protect herself and it was going to take baby steps to bring it down. I am hearing clearly (did I say that?) that it is not necessarily over, but we have miles to go before we sleep.
Incidently, when we got home, my wife asked if I had made a therapist appointment. I thought this interesting, as she is seeing if I am following up and what I say.
This morning we said our good-byes, but hugging her bye was uncomfortable. She's not into it... and I know it's crazy to believe that one night can make all the difference, the situation still saddens me. I just had to ask if there were any outside circumstances that would prevent us from getting back together. I think you know what I was asking... and perhaps I shouldn't have asked, but it was something that was bugging me. She laughed and said, "Of course not." And I asked what was stopping us (I know... too many questions, too much pressure) and she said, "Just that I'm not in love with you right now." I asked how I should respond to seeing baby step progress, and she replied that I shouldn't. She told me to work on me and she would work on what she needs to work on.
My drive to work was bittersweet. I felt really good about last night and some of the things we talked about, but at the same time, "I'm not in love with you." remained in my head... as I'm so afraid that it will forever remain in her heart.
That's what she said, but pay attention to the "not right now" part. She didn't say anything about 'forever'...she said "not right now". Man, don't give up hope...and try not to despair. This thing ain't over. You're gonna have to be more patient. It took years for things to get to this point, and it's gonna take awhile for things to settle down. It's gonna take a lot longer than you want it to. Honor her and cherish her and respect her by giving her the space and time that she asks for. Have a different attitude about it...do these hard things because you love her...let that be your motivation. I know it's hard. Believe me...I know.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
