Letting the shoreline go

[mockers2]

Hi everyone ~

Just when I think I'm doing well - something happens that makes me wonder. Called H last night to let hime know I was finished here at work, so he could come and pick me up. He kiddingly said, "I'm at the spa." Kind of an inside joke we have. I said, where are you really? ( should've just laughed and said nothing. ) H said, "I can't tell you." I let it go and figured he was kidding about that as well, but the awful thoughts started and it was a little difficult getting them to stop. As it turns out, he had gone to the video store to get movies for he and the children to watch (I went over to a friend's house to eat - part of a girl's night out group, and H had the children to himself), and a couple for the two of us to watch, so I had nothing to worry about really.

Then on my way home from the dinner, his cell phone beeped, indicating that he had a message. I immediately felt sick - thinking what if it's the OW calling? (I have no reason to think they are talking or seeing each other at all, just a gut reaction I guess.) I took the phone in to him. He listened to his messages and told me who had called (two friends of his). I acted as if nothing was wrong, so I don't think he had any idea I was worried. And I just took him the phone and went about my business getting ready for bed.

This really isn't that big of a deal, but I can't stand that feeling I get - heart racing, sweaty, hands shaking. I'm sure it will just take time for this to stop happening. Maybe a long time after what's happened. I just don't want to live in fear about what he may do. Part of this will get better as time passes and I feel more and more comfortable with him again, but part of it is my choice. I can choose, to some extent (apart from the "fight or flight response" I have whenever something happens that reminds me of the post-bomb time) how I react to these things. I need to stop myself and pray when I feel it happening. I need to stay calm and think. Destract myself. Breathe. Remind myself of the positives and redirect my energy.

Also, I am noticing that thoughts of the OW are a little more frequent now - maybe b/c H's things from the other house are in our house. I find myself thinking - did she give that to him or did they pick it out together, etc. This is probably typical, and along with everything else, will get better with time. Just need more patience.

Positives:
1. H whistled at me this AM while I was getting ready for work.
2. H is holding my hand while we ride in the car.


Hope you are having a good Friday. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you and your families this weekend. Thank you again for all the support and encouragement. This bb is truly a blessing.