Is the answer blowing in the wind?

[Trixi]

Heh- I can't help you with the not relapsing thing. Regretably.

I saw H on Easter. Then on Tuesday I had to meet up with him to sign the taxes so he took me out to lunch. When I dropped him back at his car he give me a little kiss goodbye. Then yesterday (Wednesday) he contacted me after his counseling appointment and asked if he could stop by.
Initially it was to go over stepson and some of our concerns about the validity of his MS diagnoses. For a myriad of reasons, both of us are having some doubts about whether or not he is telling the truth.

Then he told me a little bit about counseling. First off, he really likes her and thinks he will actually get somewhere with her; I said I was frustrated that she didn't "get" there was a pattern until just last week, but I was glad she finally saw it and I was open to the idea that she would follow the right trail. I also said that I felt our sitch was mis-handled (initially) but that I recognized that I am approaching things from a very different direction than him.

Anyhoo, apparently he explained to her that in his head, he knows I was sick in the past, but in his heart he is still feeling a grudge and he doesn't know how to get over that. She asked him which was driving him more to leave: the need to feel independent or the fact that he is still mad at me? and he said that he told her he thought it was 60/40 BUT that they are very intertwined, so it is really hard to know the answer to that.

He said that during that time (undiagnosed hypothyroid) he was lonely, SO lonely and that he feels like he wasted a lot of time being lonely and we lost family time etc. He really emphasized the wasted time and the loneliness. and then he said "I can't go there right now because it makes me feel really upset and angry to think about it." He was tearing up. I was crying by then. All I could say was that I was so sorry and I never meant to "leave" him and I feel bad that he was lonely. He popped back into his head and said "yeah, I know, I'm not blaming you..." LOL- right after he says he is. I said "Look, I know you are afraid to be in your heart with this and that's okay. But hear me when I say, that will *never* happen again and I would spend the rest of my days loving you, if you let me." I also said that if I needed to go to a counseling session with him so that I could just "be" in his anger so he could process it, I would do that.

He had mentioned (again) that he didn't like that I wanted him by my side at parties. He is right and wrong on that. I don't want to be ignored; but I also think it would be different if I wasn't always waiting for the other shoe to fall.
I said "I am willing to look at my part in all this; but you played a part too. I want you to really consider how it feels to always have the ax hanging over your head; how would I act differently if I knew we were 'okay' and I wasn't waiting for the other shoe to drop?" (Sorta a rhetorical question; he acknowledged he was thinking about it.)

So, as per the usual, we were touchy feely. But this time, when he nodded towards the bedroom I said "nope-maybe after you get over your grudge".

I am glad to know he is finally going to be looking into the grudge. Whether it helps or not remains to be seen.
I feel like I am getting sucked back in; but sort of not. I don't know...