I just read the post from Julie's blog. There is a lot of info there and it is very true. It follows along the lines of 1 Corinithians 13--the love scripture used in most weddings.
That Friday/Saturday turnaround could have an interesting playout in my situation, with the ship coming in on Saturday. I guess I will post about it as soon as I can. We can all compare notes after the fact.
K--
My DH's family is non-confrontational, too. But, my BIL is almost to the point of venting his spleen to DH. He is irked by how much the kids are getting hurt in all of this.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
[What we must learn not to do is tie our own willingness to love another to how they treat us, how they behave, or what they are out in the world; and we can only love another by seeing and accepting who they are.
What I'm saying is this: we must learn to love without condition, even as we love ourselves enough not to continue in relationship with those who don't love and respect us. It's very simple: at the bottom of every successful and loving intimate relationship is a love for Oneself that says, "I love you no matter what; but to stay in intimate connection to me, you must continue to behave in a loving and respectful manner." If the partner doesn't treat us kindly, we can continue to love them, but we don't need to remain in an intimate relationship with them-in fact, we cannot stay in intimate relationship with them if we love ourselves. Part of our weakness in loving both ourselves and others is to confuse the two, to believe that a love relationship exists even when our partner is behaving in an unloving way. It's true that love may exist, but a loving relationship does not-and that is the heart of how we must choose our companions. It's noble to continue to love someone who mistreats you-it isn't noble in the least to remain open to, vulnerable to, and in intimate contact with someone who mistreats you. A truly loving attitude toward others is not based in how they treat us, but a relationship is.]
I wish a lot of people on here would read this. A RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES 2 people, TREATING each other lovingly. We can say we love unconditionally and that is what how we honor our vows but the truth is, we dont love ourselves enough and foolishly subject US in "virtual" relationships made up in our heads.
So many people here, are proud to say they love cheaters, abusers, lousy fathers/mothers to their kids, liars, addicted persons, in some cases even persons with pathological habbits that endanger their lives or their kid's lives because "God" doenst want divorce or because "unconditional love accepts anything..." . I dont agree.
Weirdly Al, I feel I am reaching at this exact point. I love my husband for all the things we share, for our kids, for our past, for our dreams, as a person. I am slowly accepting -and therefore I am calmer- that a intimate relationship is not possible with him. He doesnt treat me lovigly. He has disrespected me and he hasnt tried to "change" that. I am accepting him for who he is and I am accepting that him and me, cant be in a relationship. This is exactly what I was planning to tell him next time we talk. I dont want him to change. He can be the way he wants to be. TO be WITH me though, he would have to. So, I dont see how we can go on for much longer. I love myself more. Finally... K
I read the same posting about unconditional love, etc and I had drawn almost the very same conclusions. I have known all along that I shouldn't just love blindly. Well, not true, you can love blindly, but you do not have to stay in a relationship blindly.
My pastor in Kansas City did a 4-week study on love, what it meant to love, distorted views of "Christian love", etc...
He said *A lot of people confuse love with niceness. They are NOT the same thing *People think love = doormat. They are NOT the same thing. *If you love yourself enough, you cannot sit idly by while someone you love treats you with disrespect/mistreatment *You can continue to love them, but it is okay to love from a distance, or to love but also enforce boundaries/consequences for the one who is acting foolishly/disrespectfully/harmfully
Anyway there was a lot more but the bottom line is you are right, a lot of us (me included) keep on plugging on thinking 'love will find a way'. And that 'love is a decision'. And yes, you CAN love someone, you can decide to love them with all of your strength, forever. But it doesn't mean they will decide to love you back, or to do it in the way you want/need to feel that love.
I hear you, K. And it is good that you are calm...
Are you still in work or are you off yet for the holiday? Take care, sis.
Hi girls, Bbj, I worked half day today and will not go back till Monday in 10 days... YEAH!!!
H's sister called me. She probably was surprised by the advice I gave to her H which was to calm down and think of what he wants and dont jump into conlusions because she was friendly and warm which is weird since we havent talked for 18 months more that a hello. She asked me to spend Easter all together. I had told H I dont want that and he probably told her to call me. I am proud to say that I told her I need to think about it and didnt accept. It's a messed up situation (although they said they talked today and are trying to figure it out) and I am fed up with misery and complicated relationships.
Also, what message would that give my kids. I am not going unless H and I are clear why we do it and what it means :nothing. I am not sending out wrong messages to anybody.
We had a convo with H today about his sister. His way of dealing with it continues to impress me negatively. He is detached and "doesnt care what they do, they are adults, just take car eof the kids". I did tell him his attitude sounds a lot like what he said he wants to change :indifferent, not showing how he really cares for what is happening and accommodating his sister's indescretions. I wonder, if our DiL acted this way and our son was hurt would he be so calm? Probably.
Anyway, he is the Marlboro land as we say in Greek, meaning in lala land. He is doing his best. And maybe thinking that sooner or later I will just accept it. Somebody is up for a big surprise.
Talked to my son today. I was glad/sad to hear that he still thinks me and H are separated and in his head there is no revived hope for a reconciliation. Kids are clearer:dad is not living with us, nothing has changed.
We'll have 25 celcious for Easter. Lamb chops and kebab are in order. Red eggs, tsourekia, easter cookies etc etc. I am loosing weight and feeling better in general. Sunshine is still nowhere to be seen but I am not loosing faith. I am healthy, my debt is smaller than Ali's, my kids are good kids and healthy, my dad is hanging on, I have a brother that loves me and shows it, I have friends that care for me and I have a Valentino purse I love... LOL!! K
...I posted it for you, it said what I felt you were trying to. I thought of you when I read it and I felt you would identify with it.. " I am slowly accepting -and therefore I am calmer- that a intimate relationship is not possible with him. He doesnt treat me lovigly." .. so I hope it helped to read it.
When do you think you may have this talk then? Eek.. venus goes forwards this weekend (Easter for you).. you were planning to spend some time with him and your family?
PS: EVERYONES debt is smaller than mine, including several third world countries, lol ! I ought to qualify for aid from the International monetary fund...
My son was just asking me the other day if he had ever had kebab. Looks like it is time to fire up the grill at my house this weekend for lamb and kebab!
Now Kerry, I read your comments and some of the other men here and feel sooooo stupid. H has never paid for any of my handbags (nor shoes). I used to buy him clothes and shoes and everything else. I never used his credit cards, he had one issued on my name connected to his account) which I handed to him when it was delivered because "I didnt need it". The only expenses he covered were the nanny, our vacation and any big expenses for the house (not many of those since we got everything new when we got married). Note: he was making more than double that I did when we separated. Now he is making more than triple.
I always worked full time and missed a lot of career opportunities because I chose to be the one that would put her ambitions behind for our family
Also, I did want sex with him often and was very attracted to him and told him I was
Wanted to spend time with him and almost never went out on my own except for my 1 hour coffee after work (afternoon) with my GFs once every two weeks while he was at work anyway, that he knew about and were all girlfriends, married and he had an open invitation to come to (he never did but my gf's Hs did some times)
Had no secrets, private life, my cell was always available etc etc
Never had any ideas about spending money etc, I was the one putting money aside in saving accounts for possible future investments (which he kept because as he said the money was coming out from his salaries and I never requested part of those)
Treated his family the best way I could. His father used to say he had 2 daughters.
Treated his few friends nicely and they all used to like me and "envy" him for finding me
I never got to be looking very bad. I gained some weight but I was always 5-6 kilos below my height (10 kilos below the height is supposed to be the perfect analogy)Last year I went 18 below my height
Never allowed my family to have a saying in our life although we are living in the same building. I am mentioning it because it took a toll on my R with my parents for a while until the boundaries were clear while I spend an incredible amount of time taking care of his dad after his mom died. He was in my home EVERY day for 18 months, I would find him here when I would return from work.
He was free to go wherever he wanted, I was not jealous, travelled a lot, worked late etc etc
I am a good cook and my house is kept very tidy and clean and organised (when I decided I was too tired to do it, I hired a lady to help us out and I paid for her)
Of course, my bad habits have also all been listed before here in detail but still, I feel so stupid thinking I was being too nice to him all these years.And most men I see that are crazy for their wives, they are treated..., lets say not so well, IMO. Recent example, my SiL.
but I am not loosing faith.