Letting the shoreline go

[mockers2]

Thank you, Optimist for stopping by! I hope you areoing well. I am looking forward to hearing how things are going with you.

A little time to post now ~

Update: H and I had 4 days together with the children at school. We have just about gotten the garage cleaned out, which is something we've both been wanting to do for forever. Things have been going well with lots of laughing. In the cleaning out, we found alot of things that made us smile. There were some things I started to show him, but then hesitated b/c they had to do with our early R, which I wasn't sure it was OK to bring up. One of the things my H found was a poem that he handed to me saying "I like this." I brought it in to work today to retype it, but wanted to share it with you b/c I thought it might be helpful. If only I had seem it before the bomb.


Listen

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen.
Not talk or do, just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 35 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious, and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.

So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you.

It felt good for H to share this with me, and I also felt like this is an important issue for him to point it out to me. So, goals for me after reading this:
1. Listen/no interrupting/validate after he's finished talking. (This is one of my original goals, but also one I need to hear/read over and over again.)
2. No trying to convince him he shouldn't feel XXX.
3. No trying to fix.
4. Continue to give him the space he needs to think through his feelings.
5. Allow him to come to me in his own time to discuss thoughts/ideas about the R or what has happened leading up to the bomb and since the bomb.
6. Continue to see him with empathy - as someone who is hurting confused. To try and view the S/the A in this light. May help with some of my anger and may help me in forgiving H and the others who have hurt me during this time.


Once while going through all the stuff in the garage, I asked H what he thought about an item - whether to keep it or donate it. He indicated that he didn't care for the item, but did it in a way that wasn't the nicest. I said (yes without thinking first , and before running it through the filter) that he didn't have to be cold about it. H said he "was just being honest" in a tone that reminded me of his attitude post-bomb (I could feel this pushing my buttons). I immediately said (calmly and without anger ), "I think you can be honest without being cruel." H came over to me, hugged me and said he was sorry that he didn't mean to be unkind. This is a minor interaction, but I think it's important for several reasons:
1. I let something slip through without thinking first . (I know that this is going to happen, but I'm afraid I'm going to really screw things up if I'm not more careful.)
2. I responded in an even tone of voice, without seeming angry, so my H new I was bothered some by what he had said, but I controlled myself. This is good because me having angry outbursts was one of the things my H listed as "one of the things I don't like about you." I was also happy because responding this way seemed to come more naturally. I didn't have to tell myself to speak softly, etc. Progress, maybe?
3. H seemed to listen to my point of view. His response to me seems different. (In the past he has often seemed rigid in his belief that his view is the correct view.)
4. H treated me tenderly.

I'm struggling because I don't want to overanalyze everything we say and do, but it seems easy to slip back into our old ways/patterns of relating to each other, especially when some things seem so similar to pre-bomb times. I know I need to stay vigilant, but I don't want to be watching so closely and dissecting everything so much that I miss the joy. How do I live without feeling like I'm walking a tightrope (sp?) for the rest of my life? Maybe it wil get easier with more practice.

Positives:
1. H and I looked at the bills/finances together . H initiated a talk of how to handle the bills - we have different styles of documenting/paying, etc. - and H said "I will commit to working on the bills together every month." I know he was talking about the bills, but to hear him use that word made me happy.
2. H has said the blessing with me and the children several times.
3. H seems to be handling the trying times with the children with more patience. He seems less stressed and angry overall.

My next goal is to take another look at my goals and compile the lists I have.

Tonight my mom is coming over to bring us dinner. I am a little nervous in that she and I have had a bumpy R for a while, adn this has caused strin in my R with my H. (A little context: My mom is mentally ill, with multiple suicide attempts, which until the last......gosh, three years or so I haven't handled well.) My mother has also in the past been critical of my H (behind his back). Please say prayers that things will go well. I would appreciate this very much.

Thank you all for your posts. Your kindness,encouragement and wonderful example help tremendously. Please know I keep you and your families in my thoughts and prayers every day.