Letting the shoreline go

[mockers2]

Good morning, Everyone ~

Hope you all are doing well today. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Warning: Long, long, long, weird journaling post.

First, a technical question or two:
1. How do you quote long portions of text form one post to another? Do you just have to type it all out again? Or is there an easier way?
2. How to you save a post to your bb word file?

This is a dream I had Friday night (I am posting it b/c I couldn't believe how well it depicted my current fears, which is something I am really trying to work on right now. I feel this is one of the keys to me feeling more calm and peaceful, as well as one of the keys to improving our M.):

Some context: My stepmother knows about our S, but not about my H's A. She is the only one in my family who knows anything has been wrong, although I think my uncle may have suspected something.

In the dream, we are at my father and stepmother's house. My H has gone out on his own and is very late coming home. When he gets home he is very drunk. He's stumbling and falling down outside. (This happened a couple of times before the bomb .) I go out to talk to him and he is laughing and showing me some new shoes and a jacket he has bought for himself. (H bought alot of clothes and became more interested in "fashion" around the time of the bomb.) He tells me that he doesn't think this is working (the R) and says he thinks he is changing his mind about us. Then the OP shows up. I tell her that they are history. She kisses my H and says that no matter what happens with H and me, and even though their R is over, that they (H and OP) will always have "a history," and that there is nothing I can ever do to change that.

So, a list of my fears:
1. That H will change his mind about us and leave.
2. That the pre-bomb behavior will start again (staying out late, drinking too much, etc.).
3. That I will see that look on my H's face again. (The one he had on his face when he dropped the bomb.)
4. That we will not be able to get out of debt.
5. That I will always fear another A.
6. That H will resume contact with the former OP.

Insights from this dream:
1. Because of this rough patch, I am much closer to my father and stepmother (this is a good thing in that in the past these relationships have been strained. And from this closer R with my stepmother especially, I have learned alot about what it takes to have a long and happy/healthy M. My stepmother has been DB'ing throughout her M to my father without even knowing it!)
2. I am realizing that I will have to think about my life in a different/less black and white way. (more on this later)

On sage's thread, there are alot of good posts relating to the fears of the LBS once the WAS returns. Someone posted (maybe kharvey??????) that one thing we want is for the WAS to say/promise that everything will always be OK. This is something that is impossible to say. There are no guarantees that things won't get bad again. After reading this, I realized that this is one thing I've been hoping for - that my H will say "I'll never do this again. I'll never have another A. I'll never leave you and the children again." I know that I can't go back to the view of the rock solid marriage I had before the bomb (now I know this was an inaccurate view), but I feel that there has to be a middle ground. No, we can't promise to never hurt each other again. I know we will hurt each other, but I feel there does need to be a commitment from both of us to do everything we can to work on the marriage, with the goal of our M not only surviving, but thriving for the rest of our lives. The "for better or worse" part of the vows is there for a reason - I just want to know he's not going to bail the minute things get tough. (I'm looking ahead to the time when our parents will get sick and die, the trials, decisions, and disagreements we'll have raising our children.)

I don't want to live in fear that my H will stay until something better comes along. And feeling like I have to be "on my toes" all the time in order for him to stay in the R doesn't seem normal either. Yes, I'm willing to work my tail off for the rest of my life, but I want to feel he's willing to do the same. I know I'll be OK eventually no matter what happens, but I prefer to have him in my life as my husband. I would love to know he feels the same about me. Maybe his current actions are saying some of these things.

Positives update:
1. H, the children and I stayed at my father's house Friday night - H's suggestion. (H has only seen them briefly since the bomb. Hasn't wanted to talk to my dad on the phone, etc.)
2. H is being more physically affectionate (reaching to hold my hand, hugging, etc.)
3. H is calling me affectionate names, some of which he hasn't used in years.
4. H is helping more with the children (when they get up at night, etc.)
5. We have shifted the course of a conversation that was escalating toward an argument several times, so that the argument didn't happen.
6. H said blessing with me and the children. (This is something I am really struggling with, as H was questioning his reigious beliefs at the time of the bomb. I haven't brought this up, but my faith is a huge part of my life, and I want to share this with our children. We are currently not going to mass, and I really want to go back, but am unsure how H feels about this. I also beleive that you don't have to go to church to have a relationship with God, but I miss the feelings of peace and reassurance I had in mass. We were betrayed by the priest at our church after the bomb, so it would mean going to a different parrish. Don't want to "hide my light under a bushel," but don't want to push my H into something he's not ready for either.)

One thing I have noticed is that if we are in a situation that feels like it felt pre-bomb - even if we are having fun - I become fearful. I am now realizing that not everything about our pre-bomb R was bad. Big lightbulb for me! The trick is to tease out what was good/working and keep that part, and identify what wasn't working and rework those areas.

One other thing that has made me feel sad (saw this on sage's thread too, just unable to pin it down and put it in words)is that I'll always think of my H as having had an affair. The time of veiwing my H as always faithful is over. But, to flip this around, one of my greatest fears has come and gone, and by the grace of God and with His help every step of the way, here we are. Still standing. Still married.

Things I have noticed myself doing that I need to stop/work on/change:
1. Have done a couple of "temp checks" - a. When H started talking about wanting to start trying for another baby right away, I began wondering if this was another way to "run away" from our R, or from the "just the two of us" part of the R. Another attempt to fill the hole in him/us. A way to keep us so busy that we can't see what's missing or really feel what it's like to be us. I asked him if he thought that he would be happy during the time it was just us - when the children are grown up and on their own. Also if he thought he would be happy if we weren't able/decided not to have any more children. His answers were yes to both questions. b. He was having trouble sleeping one night - a frequent pre-bomb occurrence - and I asked if he thought he was having trouble sleeping b/c he wasn't content. He said no.
Both times I let it go with that, but I need to really watch this as it is my fear popping in.
2. I have been hypersensitive if my H makes comments about the house/or how I'm handling the children. This has been in the form of "digs" that I have not voiced to him, but I need to work on this. An example - the bathroom cabinet is not well organized. H said to me one night - indicating this cabinet, "This isn't working for me." He said it in a nice way, and was smiling. It is kind of funny - stuff falls out alot , but I heard myself saying in my head, "This isn't working for you? Give me a $%#@^ break! You try to take care of a house and two children for eight months, basically by yourself, and see how organized your bathroom cabinet is! Organize it yourself, if it's not working for you!" I just laughed at it and agreed and worked on it some that night. I want him to communicate with me about things, and to have input on the organization of the house, and I agreed with him - the cabinet bugged me too. I think the thing that bugs me so much about this is that he's been gone for nine months, so there's an angry part of me that says he shouldn't say anything about the house.

More goals:
1. Look at R with a beginner's mind:
* the good parts of pre-bomb R can be a part of our new R (good parts include laughing alot , spending time together, having some quiet times when we aren't talking every minute)
* notice progress in our communication (listed above)
2. look at this time in our R as a positive thing:
* we have the opportunity now to build a stronger and more honest marriage
* we have weathered a major storm and are still married
* I am more confident as a person, and as a parent
* I am closer to God
* We have identified problems/destructive patterns in our R, the first step to changing them.
3. Live with joy and thankfulness in the present.
* act as if I believe my H is happy to be home
* be present for my H and our children (don't want to spend the time I have with them worrying about what could happen.)
4. Identify triggers for my fear - things that feel like the pre-bomb months (H's insomnia), recognize that this is what's going on before I react to it; feel the fear; and move on

Going to stop now - worried I'll lose this post. Any thoughts are welcome and appreciated. Thanks for listening.