Questions

[goingtofixME]

I am having the worst possible time of this. I wonder how many people crash and burn because they can't do a simple 180 and they continue to do everything that everyone tells them not to? UGH!

I have so many questions and sadly I have come to realize that my H is not going to be able to answer them because even he doesn't know. It's one thing one minute and something else entirely. I just know that I can't keep trying to figure out what it is I did wrong to fix it because I can't fix the past. I can only use the things that he has said and the things I have been able to figure out about myself to become the best possible me I can be. I'm sick and tired of second guessing and defending myself. I can no longer do this.

I did something today for valid and not so valid reasons. I went and got my hair done. I got it cut and lots of color put in it. It made me happy because I was doing something for me, but also I wanted to get some validation from my H. I used the excuse that I needed to take his mail to him in order to accomplish this. I was a giddy schoolgirl not sure what to say or how to act. Not at all like the person I am. I knocked on the door and he finally answered it. There I stood with my awesome hair, in my solid black scrubs that make me look thinner, with my lipstick on, and I had absolutely no self esteem or self confidence. I guess I was expecting him to say, "Oh wow! You have changed. I want to come home". Who in the hell was I kidding? We did a little small talk about the key to the storage and the dog and I started to walk off. He asked me if I was alright. I told him that I was tired and that I hadn't been home yet from work as I almost plowed into my car trying to run away like a dog with its tail tucked between its legs. He then told me my hair looked really nice. I sort of smiled, thanked him, and stammered on about how I had gone to see Emily(hairdresser) and how I hadn't seen her in over a year. Hopped into my car expecting him to run after me so he could run his hands through my hair (he used to love when I went to get my hair cut. He loves the smell of the salon that is in your hair afterwards). He just walked back in to the gym and never looked back.

I know everyone says this gets easier. I'm looking forward to it. I got my book and read it. I just feel so overwhelmed. I have so much on my plate and can't concentrate on one thing. I am trying to get a life and trying to act as if. Truth be told though, I would rather stick my head in the sand. I know I have to keep pushing forward because I am the creator of my happiness, but it is so difficult to pretend so hard. I've always talked about faking it until you make it and have been able to practice it on a daily basis in regard to some things. This is proving to be very difficult for me.

I talked to a friend of mine about why Dan could not take my hope away. He seems to believe that it's because he wants to keep me as backup in case things fail. I don't want to think that I would allow that to happen. I do not ever want my marriage back the way it was. I was unhappy myself with how our relationship was. I just never changed my own reactions. His leaving was definitely hard, but I am coming to realize it was a necessary evil because we would have gone on in a relationship that was hurting the both of us. I should thank him for being man enough to put a stop to it. I just felt like I was putting up with his [censored] and he was putting up with mine. Having resentments and a lack of respect for your partner is no way to live.

I am growing and changing, but I am clinging so tightly to what we had and my belief that because of that we could have something better if we both wanted it bad enough. He's told me that he doesn't want that. Guess I need to fix me as my name states.