I feel like there is a fog over my head at the moment and I can't think clearly.
I am away at the moment which has been good bc I am seeing family, having some fun and relaxing in the last week.
Updating...not much to update really..
I have felt really ok for the last 10 days. I have been busy and enjoying myself and felt really detached from everything. But then today went and upset myself thinking too much and feel like I got pulled right back in.
I haven't had much or no contact with H. I emailed 2 lines when I got here just saying 'I thought I'd let you know I got here ok. Hope you are well.' (he always would get really anxious when I was flying) I just thought if it were him going id appreciate knowing he was safe. He replied with something short. I left things at that. Almost a week later he emailed me again saying 'I just thought I'd check how you were getting on? Hope you're having a nice time' and then a big paragraph about his work problems hes having. I didn't reply. I just felt so annoyed at the question, I was thinking...How do you think I'm 'getting on!' And then on Easter I sent an email saying Happy Easter, I hope you had a nice day. Bc i knew he would be alone for the holiday. He just replied saying thanks and its just been a normal day for him like every other day. and that he was thinking about taking easter chocolate in for work the next day for everyone. Which kind of annoyed me too since I am guessing he wouldn't have done anything for me.
There has been a female from work that has been in the picture this whole time and I don't really know what to think about it. We were all friends before this happened with our M. Now they are still very good friends, i feel like even better than before and I dont see her anymore. H stated very clearly and I felt honestly that they were just friends and our M problems had absolutely nothing to do with her(or anyone else). I really believed him, I know him well and he has never been able to lie so I dont know really. They are spending more time together now bc they both dont know many people in the area and live near each other now that he has moved out of our house. I dont have any proof of anything other than what he has told me. I feel like I am making up a lot of things in my head but bc I dont know what their interactions are especially since I am not seeing H much.
Anyway I am pretty sure they went to a nearby city together recently as like a day out. H had mentioned he wanted to go and now I see she has just been so I'm sure they went together. I know it all sounds fishy but at the same time he probably would have invited any friend to go along. I feel extremely jealous and angry that he chooses to spend time with her and not me. I feel replaced, as he is doing a lot of the things we used to do together with her right now. Things like going out for drinks, dinner, movies any social things really. I was so worked up when I found this out I felt like calling him and asking if he had a good time in 'x' with his 'new gf' anger is really getting the better of my emotions today. But I didn't. I didn't say anything I havent even talked to H,eventhough I feel like screaming it at him!
I also don't know if i should be responding to his emails when he contacts me. I half feel like I am too drained to deal with it right now and also like when he asks a stupid question like that it doesn't deserve an answer! but maybe also this is him trying to talk to me? or reach out or something? i just don't know.
so I guess I am feeling pretty bad tonight and questioning if I have been doing the right things?
I felt like before I had been reading DR over and over on some sections and had a good action plan to try my best to stick to and now it seems more like a big mess and I can't see which way to go.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
