Holding onto Hope

[In Limbo]

Sandi,
Thanks so much for posting. I hope you are feeling better. I've had one of those roller coaster days, but it's ending well. H called me this morning just to chat. I think it's a good sign when that happens.

He was scheduled to come over tonight to finalize taxes (yes, he left that undone so I did it and DIDN'T even complain - that was difficult!). He called when he was on his way and I was very positive. He called back 15 minutes later to say he was going to stop by to have one beer with the old "gang" (the ladies from last job) on his way. I was doing great until he said he would be at the house by 8pm and before I realized it I'd said "there's no way." But he didn't lash back and called at 8:00 to say he was almost here. Turns out only one person was there by the time he arrived and it was a lady that is NOT OW and is actually one of the two people that I am friendly with and feel comfortable with. Anyway, I stayed positive and didn't bring up R or any other items dealing with responsibilities (which he seems to avoid like the plague these days - your comment about not wanting to grow up is spot on). I didn't ask him about the credit card bill, will save that for the weekend when he's here longer. We got along very well and when he was leaving he said he didn't want to go (he has a medication he takes daily and it's at his place so he had to go). He hugged me and told me he loved me when he was leaving. It ended the day well as long as I can keep from overanalyzing what each interaction means. I know he didn't get to this point overnight and to say that positives are baby steps is an understatement. Plus, all the positives may just mean he still cares for me but doesn't want to be married to me.

As for the EA, it was a really strange situation. The OW is much younger, was abused as a girl, has many medical issues and has anxiety attacks if she is near older men. She was clear in her emails that she considered it a paternal friendship, but H indicated he wished it was more by going into "what ifs," ILY, her beauty, etc. I know H and know that there were feelings way beyond friendship in his words. But I really don't think she felt the same. She has done this before - what she calls giving guys the wrong impression. Ironically, the night I found the emails, H had written her that he was done - that what he was doing was inappropriate and he didn't want to be like the uncle that molested her or the guys that got the wrong idea.

God works in mysterious ways. As painful as that night was, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God lined up everything for me to find what I did, for their last email string to go the way it did and I sometimes even wonder if this was designed to be my wakeup call. That night may end up being the best night of my life if we rebuild our marriage. Anyway, back to the sexual stuff. I did not find evidence of any sexual discussion between them, but I'm sure there was fantasizing going on by H. Our ML had actually increased over the past few months, which I have read sometimes happens. So maybe he was getting the sexual from me and the emotional from OW.

I do think it's hard that we never really dated other people. We each had times when we briefly broke it off and there were a few people we went out with, but more like one time deals not a relationship. H said to me that he wonders if the reason we are having so much trouble ending it is that we don't know what it's like to end a relationship. I think there's some truth to that. He is so much a part of me and my entire life that losing him would be like removing a huge chunk of me. Think of all you go through in your life between 17 and 39 and sharing all of that with one other love. How do you move beyond all of those memories? My advice to my boys will be to date more than one person just to be sure. But you can't change the past, so it is what it is.

I have the books now and am beginning to read them, so hopefully I'll learn more about the principles and how to apply them.
Thanks for checking on my post. I'm still trying to reach out to folks on the site and build a network, but it's nice to feel like there's someone out there that is reading and ready to offer feedback/advice/etc.

Hope you have a great night!