Letting the shoreline go

[mockers2]

Good morning everyone -

Hope you all are well today. Thank you Jackie, Optimist and RJ for stopping by. I appreciate your encouragement and support very much!

Update: H arrived home Friday night just as the children and I got home. Things have been going well. One puzzling thing to me - my H is acting like nothing ever happened. I guess this is good for now, and maybe there will be a time for talking about all that has happened. Just trying to enjoy things and stay focused.

Positives (Borrowing from Holdingon):
1. Moving stuff out of the other house
2. Talking of wanting to have another baby. (We're waiting on this. I feel we need some solid ground behind us before having another child, but I haven't said this to H yet. We will re-evaluate and talk again about this in 1/04.)
3. H thinks having a regular date night is a good idea.
4. Avoided falling into our old pattern of arguments yesterday. (I felt myself getting angry at him for something small - he went into work to fill out papers for his new job. I found myself thinking why do you have to do this today, when we're all home, instead of tomorrow when the children and I are at school/work? I know some of this anger comes from what has happened, and is just still there for me to deal with. It seems to have lessened or to have gone deeper within me, but is still there for sure. Need to really work on forgiveness here, as it seems the anger and forgiveness are closely linked.) H could tell I was upset, and asked was I OK. I said yes b/c I was afraid I would blow up at him. He knew I wasn't really OK, but let it go. He went to work, then came back, and things were fine. This isn't reaching my goal on how to handle disagreements, but it's a step in the right direction. One abay step better would be to say, I am upset, but want to wait to talk about this later. One thing H has really emphasized in the few R talks we have had is for us to be honest with each other. So, I wasn't compleetly honest yesterday, but we didn't spiral down into our old pattern which is good.
I saw something in Lee's thread about thoughts creeping in about how much the WAS has hurt the LBS. Someone -?KAW or Ellie? - called these thoughts "digs," which seems perfect. Quite a few of these have popped up, and I think it does stem from a desire to hear how sorry he is for hurting me. I just need to keep reminding myself to focus on the positives - he is home! And is giving up the other house. I'm sure this will take time.
5. H told me he is very proud of me for doing such a good job (not sure I feel that this is true) taking care of the house and the children.

Personal Goals:
1. Let the little things go without showing anger.
Steps:
*Take ten deep breaths.
*Put myself in "time out," something that has helped me with the children, when I feel myself losing my patience.
*Leave the room, go outside or to the bathroom.
*Re-focus on my goals. Ask myself if the thing I'm getting angry about is really important and if it's really what I'm angry about.

2. Be honest with my H when I'm upset. There is a fear factor here - I'm afraid to let him see me be angry. Afriad he'll leave again. Know I need to deal with this, as we will have disagreements. If I hold it in all the time, it will eventually come out - and more than likely in an innappropriate way.

Something for me to chew on. Thank you again for your support and encouragement. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.