Glad to hear your response to my post. It’s good that you could talk to your H about him possibly being in MLC and him being concerned enough to read information. That is very positive. I don’t know, but I would think that if a person really wanted to work through the MLC so they could get out of it quicker, then it would happen. It would be hard, but I think it would be possible, IMHO. He would need a lot of support and a lot of self discipline and determination. I can’t stress enough how difficult it is. I would never have thought it if I had not had a taste of it myself.
I don’t know if there is a particular age for MLC. People use to say between 40-50, but I think it can happen younger or older b/c I think it depends on the things that are happening in one’s life that triggers it, but again, that is my opinion. I have known men, especially, whose father and maybe grandfather, died at a certain age and then they would begin to get very nervous when they started getting close to that number. So, it could be having a great deal to do with his behavior or maybe even triggered a MLC. I am certainly no professional about this subject.
Regarding the OW, you said:
Quote:
“I would have preferred a "don't contact me again - ever" but will take what I can get.”
I don’t blame you for that, I would have felt the same way. I just hope he doesn’t pursue her or another woman since experiencing the thrill behind a secret affair. I know you said he told you it was not sexual, but I wonder if he meant that it wasn’t a “physical” affair by saying it wasn’t sexual. Mine was not physical, but it was very sexual in other ways. It seems odd that a man would need the emotional connection without the sexual. We usually think of women being more like that. Guess it would not be impossible!
Quote:
“He and the ladies and one guy at his last job that hung out together were extremely close (that environment was VERY bad for our M).”
Yes, I can see where it would be, indeed! I am a strong believer in married people not having regular meetings with friends of the opposite sex or even their own little “groups” of friends when it does not include their spouse. Some people hoot at this, but I can nearly promise you it will end in trouble.
Limbo, I think a lot of his problem may have to do with the fact that the two of you never dated anyone else before you got married. He may be wondering what it would have been like to date another person besides you. Have you ever wondered the same thing? I think most people have wondered what it would be like to be with another person, but they just don’t admit it…..lol. But, seriously, I feel that this could be part of why he is feeling confused. However, when a person is in MLC, they are confused…….and at times feels like they are losing their minds. Their emotions are all over the place and they are not sure of what they want and they certainly are not consistent about anything.
I believe you are doing the right thing so far. You are trying to use the DB principles as best as you can and that is all any of us can do. Sure, you will backslide sometimes, but everyone does. Just resolve to try harder the next time.
Keep posting and reading other people’s threads. Reach out to them and they will post back to you. It may take a while until he comes around, but it is a good sign that he at least recognizes that he may be in MLC and that the OW may have broken contact. But, I will warn you…….he may not stay away from her, so you be prepared in case you find out that he has seen her or contacted her. As I told you before, it is a hard addiction to break.
Apparently, he was not happy and missing “passion” in the M by telling you he was not in love with you…….but loves you. You were being the “adult” while he was still playing the kid and going to parties. He may not be ready to grow up yet. Again, that happens to some people that marry young. It is not an excuse, but it happens.
You may have to take his name or your name off the credit card if he is going to be reckless. If the two of you are separated, then you may have to separate the accounts, also. You can't control his actions and he may end up ruining you financially.
If you pull back some and focus on yourself and become fun and interesting and become a bit unavailable (as in hard to get), I think it will get his attention. Why not try it and see? And....if he comes back with that old excuse of you "faking" your changes......just ignore him and let it run off your back. He is just trying to find stuff to complain about you.
Hope to hear from you again.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
