Here Again

[xalelle]

So it looks like I am going to be a lesson for everyone - even the best of situations will not be fixed overnight, and no matter how long the LBS thinks the sitch has been going on before they were aware, in the WAW's mind it has gone on much longer, so just a few days of better will never "fix" what they see wrong.

Last night was not amazing, but was good. I had a lot of bad moments - W was being friendly enough, but not close and cuddly like she had been the prior evening - I should have been prepared for this. From experience and from reading I know this is typical backlash to honest open closeness with a WAW - inside they are doubting you, angry for the need for the wakeup call, unsure of themselves - I have to remember that WAW's have completely convinced themselves that they are better without you, and when they feel drawn back in they have their own internal battles.

She was tired, and I know this is true and for good reason - she had been working around the house like a mad woman. She had said she was tired and was going to take a bath and then go to bed. I was worried as we had not really had even a close moment, but out of the blue she sends me a message that she wishes I could join her in the tub.

She was more awake after the tub, so we talked a little in bed and then a little cuddling and ML.. not as amazing as the previous evening, but very nice. We didnt cuddle as close after before going to sleep, but she was exhausted.

Today has been a bit tougher too, I am home and she has not been real close. A few chit chat things that made me feel good (plans and such) but she just has that look like things are on her mind. I have to continue with PMA and As If things are going to be ok, and keep myself from pushing or starting R talk. Maby later she will be in more of a mood to spend time with me. Maby not, perhaps she still needs time for my attention to sink in.

Regardless, must remind myself that I am fighting for our life, not the next few days. Whatever has gone on for her without me needs to resolve, and that will take its own time.

I also must remind myself to not snoop - reminders here on the board of what its like when there is an OP involved keeps me with the nagging thought that there might be one.. maby just a EA, but its possible.. so the urge to start digging kicks in. I tried to view her myspace, and found that she now has it set as private! I dont know how long it has been so (I dont do myspace, etc) but it is a scarry thing - who would she be hiding it from, she has all kinds of new friends on there! But, the thing is I know even if there is an EA or even a PA, if I want my M saved, I have to completely forget about it and be who I need to be. Digging and knowing, especially right now, wont help but to give us some stupid reasons to fight.