Learning to Detach

[kjensen]

First Thread

So I guess my thread locked-not sure how that works..

Met with my IC this morning. She kind of (nicely) stressed (over and over!) how I had to be less available to my H and move his office out of the house... I got it. IC also made point that my H should have to work for me, chocolates, dinner..wooing me..I'm not sure about that but from her viewpoint I'm definitely not as detached as I thought. H in small steps seems to be making an effort. If I look at everything more objectively the steps are REAL small, but they are steps forward. I think in my head/heart I don't want to rock the boat by sudden distancing til my San Diego trip is a fait accompli(done). After the trip,whether H goes with me or not, I think I'll be able to distance a lot more.

I did drive by OW's last night and H wasn't there! Texted with H later for an hour. Proposed the theory that his insomnia is related in timing to his relationship with OW-he, of course didn't see it, but I hope the idea rumbles around in his head and he talks to his therapist about it..I definitely think its guilt/emotional conflict keeping him awake at night. His med RN upped his AD dose today and gave him something new to help him sleep.

H asked me out to lunch for today, but he had to change plans due to a client(tax issue) emergency meeting...I expressed slight disappointment and H actually did too...So we'll see if he reschedules.

I did sleep all night(first time in awhile) and woke up calm/refreshed. Onward and forward..I plan to be as unavailable as possible. Definitely no initiation of contact. I did ask H if he would take the girls part of this weekend(OW's free weekend) and he was hesitant but would see if they'd be willing.

We'll see if he actually follows through. I'll admit its kind of a test b/c OW should be free this weekend if I've done my detective work properly..I'm just trying to figure out without directly asking if he is still seeing her regularly. I want to know if the baby steps towards me are sincere/real OR if I'm just a back-up of sorts..

[D Money]

How are you doing K?

I have a question for you. Why did you drive by the OW's house? What are you hoping to gain? This time he wasn't there but next time he may be and how will you feel? You have to let go.

I know it's not easy as I think my W is with a new OM. He's an old high school friend of hers and they've been spending a lot of time together. She says they are just friends and I have no proof so it is what it is. As a friend has told me, I will let him deal with Monster.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Proposed the theory that his insomnia is related in timing to his relationship with OW-he,

Don't bring up the OW...ever.

[kjensen]

Hi D,
A moment of weakness. I had a hunch(which was wrong, this time) and I've been trying to figure out if my H is being more open/honest with me. I get the feeling he is trying to be, but my trust in him is still low. It kind of feels like he is making efforts to be open/honest(the baby steps I mentioned), but I think I'm hesitant to trust him at this juncture. So driving by OW's house was a way of checking my instincts. Its not that I care too much at this point if he is seeing OW, but I do care if my instincts/hunches are incorrect/correct. Its only through my hunches that I figured any of this stuff out/confronted my H about A.

I have let go (pretty much)and I understand this A may go on awhile and I'm confident it will fizzle. I still have weak moments, moments where I question if H is really making the small/slow efforts that I think he is... I just don't want to be thinking things are improving when in fact the wool is being pulled over my eyes.. Does that make sense?

My H and I have had conversations about how our timing is off regarding being forthright..Sounds silly I know, but my H takes time to open up with me, to figure out what he is feeling/thinking-he doesn't disclose things as they happen and I don't think he ever has. I'm the opposite. I tell on myself so to speak. So H wanted me to understand that he will be open, but it may take awhile for him to process things and figure out how to be open..He wants me to be patient and allow him to share at his own pace.
So that is what I am trying to do. But I'm still working at it and feel the need to know things before H tells me..sometimes..

[dl443322]

K, going by the ow's house - not a good idea. No snooping - that is not detaching. Sorry, but you have not let go. You are still early into this. It takes time to get it. You have way too many conversations with h. No texting for an hour. You could be friendly, cordial, thoughtful, but act as if he is a good neighbor.

GAL - helps with the detaching. He should move his office out.
I know its hard, but you have to pull back a lot and give him some space to think and work through this. He's got a long way to go.

[kjensen]

Part of me realizes this (he has a long way to go)and part of me hopes that as his depression is treated things will improve-that maybe this isn't a MLC, but a depressive crisis...I know I'm grasping.
My detachment has come in baby steps. I no longer snoop on his computer. I no longer ask the kids if their father has contacted him or vice versa. I have stopped the urge to drive by OW's house about 5 times, but succumbed to the urge once in the last week. Baby steps but definite improvement. I know what I need to do and I am doing the best I can each day.

Emotionally I do see I've improved as far as not taking things too personally, not crying, not so many peaks and valleys in my emotions. I don't bring up any R/A/OW stuff with H. Our conversations for he most part are like friendly neighbors, and I am not initiating them, but I do participate.

I see the areas of my behavior that need huge improvement, believe me. I'm trying to get there as fast as I can.

Thanks BM for the advice and guidance. I know I have a long way to go.

[dl443322]

K, I dont want you to think that I dont see how far you've come. This is hard stuff. I just want to help you move along because I dont want to see you 21 months later still not detached. I can honestly say that I have just recently really and truly detached.

Detective work, no good. Telling him his insomnia has to do with ow - no good. Showing disappointment that he cancelled lunch - remember no expectations. Thats for your benefit - not his.

Keep moving forward. You are still thinking a lot about whether he is seeing her, what he's thinking etc. Nothing good comes from that. You will not be able to figure him out, for he is not the same man that you have known.

He needs to go on this journey whether he is seversly depressed (by the way, I was extremely depressed for a long time before all this) or in MLC ( of which depression is a huge part).You cant hurry it along, it has to play out. So, go on with your life without too much regard for h. Hard as it is as a mom seeing your children hurt, let him drive his relationship with his them.

Keep going. You are doing great!

[kjensen]

I haven't posted in a few days since I haven't done very well with my DB-ing. Haven't avoided my H much. Our girls had a musical performance Thursday and H sat with me and our friends-first time we've all been together since he moved out. Seemed OK, but later H left abruptly without seeing the girls. When I texted him to see if he was still in the building/bathroom-he said he'd left for home and was having intestinal issues-kind of weird..
Friday we had lunch together and all seemed fine. The performance for Friday evening was postponed due to our mini-blizzard.

Saturday H came over to help me pick up the girls from various sleepovers(he has all-wheel drive and I don't) then he was taking them out for the afternoon(as I had asked him to take them for part of the weekend b/c I'm getting burned out. He took them for 3 hours.)

H dropped the girls off without coming in the house. I had gotten H and the girls free basketball tickets for Saturday night. I called H to see if we(he and I could use the tickets)-he answered "No" very abruptly-kind of surprised me but I should have known better. I immediately thought he had planned to go with the OW, but will never know. Later I did pass on a message to H from his dad via text. H hasn't told his parents he moved out(scared of their reaction/judgement) and his dad had left a message on our home answering machine for H to call him back. I never heard from H last night or today.

I'm Ok with all of this as this seems to be what H wanted when he moved out(although his words/actions are still conflicted) I'm at a place of acceptance. I accept that this situation stinks, but it is where I am. I think the hard part for me emotionally is that we were getting along overall most of last week. The only time I mentioned anything taboo(R/OW/A) was when I told H I'd gotten tested for STDs (b/c he slept with OW without protection then slept with me)and was fine. He thought I was attacking him..(maybe I subconsciously was-I was pretty angry and embarassed by asking for those tests). But we had been fine since that faux pas.
The rollercoaster ride is difficult. Dealing with my anger on my own without being able to express it or get it out is difficult. Seeing how long a journey lies ahead is overwhelming.

Seeing the man I knew for 21 years to be somewhat self-aware and open-minded, become totally unaware(and in denial) of what he is going through, and close-minded and guarded about everything is extremely difficult and frustrating. Seeing the devoted father who loves his daughters more than anything, not even bother to contact them each day is so very sad to me. The lying, the cheating, the living the single/carefree life while married, the deserting his family and especially daughters all STINKS!

Even though it was a beautiful day today, I just felt sad and tired and angry today. Next week is our first group communication class..I'm going to try to be "upbeat" and detached, rather than how I really feel(at least at this moment) which is angry, rejected, sad and tired.

More and more in my mind I am a single mom(without the benefit of dating or sex!)..I look to the future without H and am trying to make plans without him. Its hard and it makes me very sad, but I am trying.

[trampledheart]

Hi kjensen,

I understand how angry and hurt you are at the change in your H... Who'd ever believe that a wonderful, loving father could distance himself from his girls! I couldn't believe it either when my H did the same thing.

But apparently, that's something that many MLCers go through. They aren't capable of thinking about how it all affects their family.

I don't understand it myself, and I often was so appalled at my H's behavior as a father, that I argued and pointed out his wrong-doings, to no avail. I think that it only made him feel as if I was b---h, being so judgmental. So please don't make the mistake I made. Just leave him alone and do your own things with your daughter. I read somewhere that his distancing is part of the MLC process where the MLCer becomes the "opposite" of who he was.

I think the best thing to do is just go on and make plans without him and concentrate on your children and yourself. I think in your case, your H will definitely come around. He is going to C and that should help speed up the process. If you GAL and concentrate on your children, your H will make his way back to you and the girls sooner than later.

Take care!

[D Money]

K
Separate the behavior from the person. The man you know is still in there. He's just buried beneath the MLC fog and will take time to come through. Patience is a hard lesson to learn. You're doing great.