That would all depend on whether or not you still want to try to save your marriage.
Do you??
Puppy
I think I always go back to the "list" that I've come up with:
1. D1's best interests 2. W's getting help 3. Saving the M
That is my list of priorities. Of course right now with an active A, bizarre behavior, etc. out of W - I've got to look out for the kids first. I am capable of handling the emotional roller coaster, but they are not.
At this point, working on the M would require W to agree to far more than she'd ever accept in terms of boundaries. To give an example:
1. Complete the D with me having full custody of D1. 2. Her cover all my fees/expenses. 3. Formulate a pre-nup to leave this arrangment intact. 4. Remarriage contingent upon mental health help, etc. 5. Relocation 100+ miles away 6. New cell phone with no privacy 7. No privacy on the computer
Lots of things would have to happen before I'd even be comfortable trying again. She isn't even willing to negotiate over a coffee table for example.
So it seems an exercise in futility to expect the impossible, especially when she hasn't shown an interest (yet) to the M. She might in the future, but I can't live my life like that.
Unfortunately I have no choice at the moment but to be as aggressive as I can to draw this to a close a.s.a.p. to protect myself and stop throwing money away to lawyers.
Ideally? The clouds would part, the sun would shine down, a chorus of angels would sing, she'd end her A, come to me with remorse, humility, and a desire to do anything to save our M, and then would agree to get help, and then would agree to all the terms and work to earn her trust back.
Just don't see it happening. Because that would require her to admit that she has a flaw, and that would be tantamount to her not existing in her own mind.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
That would all depend on whether or not you still want to try to save your marriage.
Do you??
Puppy
I think I always go back to the "list" that I've come up with:
1. D1's best interests 2. W's getting help 3. Saving the M
That is my list of priorities. Of course right now with an active A, bizarre behavior, etc. out of W - I've got to look out for the kids first. I am capable of handling the emotional roller coaster, but they are not.
At this point, working on the M would require W to agree to far more than she'd ever accept in terms of boundaries. To give an example:
1. Complete the D with me having full custody of D1. 2. Her cover all my fees/expenses. 3. Formulate a pre-nup to leave this arrangment intact. 4. Remarriage contingent upon mental health help, etc. 5. Relocation 100+ miles away 6. New cell phone with no privacy 7. No privacy on the computer
Lots of things would have to happen before I'd even be comfortable trying again. She isn't even willing to negotiate over a coffee table for example.
So it seems an exercise in futility to expect the impossible, especially when she hasn't shown an interest (yet) to the M. She might in the future, but I can't live my life like that.
Unfortunately I have no choice at the moment but to be as aggressive as I can to draw this to a close a.s.a.p. to protect myself and stop throwing money away to lawyers.
Ideally? The clouds would part, the sun would shine down, a chorus of angels would sing, she'd end her A, come to me with remorse, humility, and a desire to do anything to save our M, and then would agree to get help, and then would agree to all the terms and work to earn her trust back.
Just don't see it happening. Because that would require her to admit that she has a flaw, and that would be tantamount to her not existing in her own mind.
Then I would say you shouldn't DB.
btw, your last sentence is a pretty damned good description of the fetching Mrs. Puppy.
W has been much more verbose in her text-message replies as I've been cutting back. Generally of a sense of telling me D1's developments, etc. such as the fact she is drinking juice/milk/etc. from a cup rather than a bottle now. Of course I've been aware of this because I began getting information from the daycare workers instead of W, which keeps me much more informed.
Still no word if W's attorney has filed any sort of response. It has been two weeks as of today, and our hearing is Tuesday.
I met with my IC yesterday, which was therapeutic still. We delved into past relationships and my own unhealthy patterns of attachment as a co-dependent. Basically long after the expiration date of most of my relationships, I was still going above and beyond in people pleasing behaviors. After D'ing my xW for example, I offered to let her stay in the guest bedroom, give her rides to college, and basically take care of her post-D until she could get on her feet.
I've been in a relationship in some fashion or another since 1999. The longest I've been without something, be it a relationship or a fling, is the current period since my S. I figure taking plenty of time to myself, to evaluate my perspective, etc. will be a healthy thing. Most of the drama in my life has come from relationships, so I think doing without for a while will be a positive step.
D1 was doing great this morning. The daycare worker who watches her most days has been very helpful in informing me of things affecting her.
Anyway... legally I'm lined up. I'm hoping in a worst-case scenario that I get the Psychological Evaluation ordered. I've got so much evidence on her prior mental history that I just don't see how the judge can turn a blind eye.
As long as they know I'm not doing it to be vindictive, I'm concerned about D1 and don't want her to grow up writing a journal like this.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I can definitely relate to the co-dependency and the "pleasing" behaviors. I'm the exact same way, and STILL struggle with how to exit this marriage gracefully, look out for my own interests and those of my kids, and not try to rescue my wife -- again.
I think it's an admirable trait. Unhealthy, without question, but at least admirable.
One thing my IC said was very good if I'm dealing with BPD is that I started setting some very clear boundaries.
She said part of my problem was that during the infancy of her EA/PA I was basically enabling the behavior by distancing myself emotionally and allowing W to act very disrespectful towards me and our M with impunity.
My attempted boundary-setting during that period came across as too overbearing and wasn't effectively communicated to where someone with BPD can understand it.
So now I've taken the 3 step process of owning my feelings, stating the fact, then offering the choice.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I did read about communicating with NPD individuals before. It is slightly different, where you have to appeal to their overinflated ego.
1. Use I-language as much as possible. It defuses defensiveness, aggressiveness, and rage. I-language is non-accusatory, own's one's subjective experience, for example: "I find your comments hurtful" vs. "You are an insensitive person."
2. Compliment the narcissist, as you set boundaries. Instead of "I told you to stop calling me so much" say "You have such a nice voice, I find it so much sexier-sounding when I hear from you once or twice a day rather than six or seven"
3. Remind yourself that you are dealing with a narcissist. Remember - it is all about them, and not all about you. IN this sense it isn't personal. You have to acquire a detached, bemused perspective of the narcissist.
4. When possible, validate/recognize the narcissist's concerns/expectations, as you establish and firmly maintain your boundaries.
Instead of "Are you kidding? You expect me to take responsibility for that?" try "So you feel I'm the one who dropped the ball? Okay I see it quite differently. And I'm not real comfortable taking the hit for this."
